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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that having kids is a little bit selfish?

148 replies

nightowlmostly · 13/06/2011 04:55

Now, before you all have a go, hear me out! I was having this argument at work just now and the guy in question seems to think I'm some kind of monster, and I'm been mulling it over on my way home.

I have two main reasons for feeling this way. The first is that there are so many kids out there in need of a loving home, that having your own is a selfish act?

The other point I have is that there are so many humans on this planet already that the earth is struggling to cope as it is. Surely having kids, lets say only two, is putting more pressure on the earth's resources as they have their own kids and they have more etc?

But, I am not saying that this selfishness is a terrible thing, far from it. We are programmed to reproduce, at a base level and it's hard to fight instinct after all. We are TTC at the moment, having decided that it is what we want, ie from a selfish point of view. Peolple are selfish all the time, buying expensive things they don't need instead of giving the money to charity, spending all weekend doing things they want to do instead of things they should do. It's human nature and not something to be ashamed of.

The guy at work couldn't understand thinking it is selfish, but planning to do it anyway. Is that so wierd? It's like chucking a few bottles in the normal rubbish instead of recycling, it's not right but sometimes we do it anyway.

Am I making any sort of sense?

And finally, AIBU?

OP posts:

Issy · 13/06/2011 16:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

buttonmoon78 · 13/06/2011 16:57

How very selfish of you issy

WowOoo · 13/06/2011 17:00

Yes Op totally. I've stopped at two. Dh and I must replace ourselves.....was our reasoning.

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 17:18

Why would you come on a parenting site and spout this nonsence?? mad isnt the word!!

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 17:20

Hold on you think its selfish to have kids yet you are ttc?? wtf??

Poshbaggirl · 13/06/2011 19:00

Teenytiny
If you read all the posts you can see its an interesting debate and everyones being very polite to each other which is nice.

buttonmoon78 · 13/06/2011 19:07

And a valid debate.

Rainydaze · 13/06/2011 19:18

YANBU.

I've also found my life is overall more selfish since having DC. I used to volunteer after work and at weekends; I used to spend more time with friends and supporting them etc, etc, but now it's much more about what my family needs (wants) and providing that.

Overall, I completely agree. Having children is a very selfish act.

Mentile · 13/06/2011 19:19

It is selfish, but so is having kids at all. We had a biological child then adopted one. If many more families did this there would be much fewer children languishing in the care system.

Awomancalledhorse · 13/06/2011 19:37

I think having children is very selfish; because of the impact of another human on the earth, moreso when there are so many children out there looking for homes.

I argued the toss with Dh about adopting over having one of our own (he 'wanted' his 'own' child), but then found myself pregnant after (sort of) ttc; 'sort of' as I was under the impression that I was unable to concieve so we thought we'd try for a year then if nothing happened we'd adopt.

Mentile, we're going to, hopefully, adopt our next child. I don't know if it's just the pregnanct hormones but I currently feel awful for not sticking to my beliefs and adopting instead of having one of our own.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 13/06/2011 19:49

NAh it's the people who want to live longer and longer who are selfish... I mean we die older these days, so that makes our population top heavy... reproducing makes sense because it is continuing the human race... the end of life is one of deterioration. It's not selfish to have children, someone "has" to... and the more the wider the gene pool (well sort of, cos of course we are fairly close anyway).

Disclaimer... I am not going for some kind of Logan's Run society... It's just when elderly people start telling younger people to stop having children that I go, "don't be stupid, the fact is we in the west live longer, and that shifts the stats"... I have 'thought' "you know what you can do about it"... but don't really think that as my elderly relatives are precious to me.

Also I only have the heir and spare...

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 13/06/2011 19:54

I think that people who "want someone elses over their own" are treating children like pets. GAh. It is NOT easy to adopt and most are NOT babies but often very damaged children. AWCH: The child of your own might make adopting more tricky until your child is older, as from what friends say, they like you to adopt in birth order (so to speak). But sure, tell your child you would have preferred to have adopted and that they were a selfish act of love. Somehow it sounds so, argh can't put my finger on the word... Pious?

FWIW, I would have liked to foster, but right now I have to put my kids first, and they deserve a life too. I mean, if they were no different to some cat's rescue place, then sure... go viewing children.. but they are not, they are human beings, indviduals and never MINE.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 13/06/2011 19:58

Should add... I don't usually rant... but, erm... I feel ranty right now. I chose to just replace DH and us, but I can't call it selfish because I feel that having that much control is a luxury, and says A LOT about our society as a whole (i.e being privileged).

LDNmummy · 13/06/2011 19:59

YANBU, I actually find myself judging families with more than two kids in this way almost daily.

LDNmummy · 13/06/2011 20:02

Oh and I only plan to have one or two max. I want to foster or adopt later on.

ReindeerBollocks · 13/06/2011 20:18

I want more than two children (currently have two). It is completely selfish but also instinctive.

DS would be considered a drain on anyones system, including mine . But he will not be able to reproduce, so in that way, I have only one child to damage/reproduce the Earth in their later years -DC2.

I actually doubt I will go on to produce another child, but I woud still be very aware that those actions would be motivated by my desire for another child. Which in itself is a very selfish act.

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 21:08

I find it mad and hipocritical that someone would say all this and then say shes ttc....??????

i find plenty of things selfish dont feel the need to make a thread about it making myself look stupid saying i dont agree with this but btw i am doing it. and offending people!!....

having children is not selfish its natural and normal!!!

RitaMorgan · 13/06/2011 21:10

I have a child and I think it is selfish.

I had ds because I wanted a baby, a selfish desire - I didn't do it for the good of anyone else.

RitaMorgan · 13/06/2011 21:12

That argument that having 2 children is fine but more is selfish is bollocks though.

Rainydaze · 13/06/2011 21:15

Remember this ?

I think he's absolutely right and I'm afraid that I also judge those with more than two DC.

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 21:18

well thats pretty petty and sad to judge people with more than 2 kids. it is none of your business anyways and if people CHOOSE to have more than 2 kids thats their choice and you shouldnt judge unless they are a bad parent!!!!

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 21:19

do you think your opinion is gonna stop people having more children if they want???? pahaha no

Rainydaze · 13/06/2011 21:23

You think that your opinion is going to stop me judging, Teeny?

fit2drop · 13/06/2011 21:23

love this get out clause
posted at 05-49
"I definitely agree that there are selfish sides to it (although if you only have two children between you and your partner you're only reproducing yourselves, numbers-wise).

two in , two out

bit like the local club on a saturday night

Having children is not selfish, it can be irresponsible ( with a given situation) but not selfish

Teenytiny · 13/06/2011 21:25

what a sad shallow person to judge people just cos they ave more than 2 kids get a life!!! and maybe concentrate on your own!!

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