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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman on bus shouting at me for neglecting DD

58 replies

organictwat · 12/06/2011 21:17

Okay this is more of a was I being unreasonable...

I had DD when I was young and not quite ready have a child. I always wanted DD and was exited about being pregnant but my mum chucked me out, my boyfriend left me and I had to leave college and hold down three jobs in order to support myself and save money for when DD arrived.

I was over the moon when DD arrived but life was a struggle and I was quite lonely and depressed. DD had colic and I found it hard to bond. One day I was on the bus a few stops away from my house. The bus was packed as it was rush hour and DD (about a year old at the time) was screaming as she wanted to get out of the buggy. I was delirious with tiredness and thought if I get her out she will never get back in and we're getting off in a couple of stops so I ignored her....

A woman on the bus then started shouting at me, saying she only wants some attention/to be picked up, then a couple more people joined in, I got off at the next stop in tears....

That was a long time ago but I still think about it and wonder if I was being unreasonable??

OP posts:
strandedbear · 12/06/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 12/06/2011 21:21

tbh i get very upset when i see a child upset and mother ignoring it

i want to go and hug that little scrap

BumWiper · 12/06/2011 21:21

No you were sleep deprived and in a difficult situation.Is yor DD in therapy for it?No,didn't think so.

Busy Bodies just needed someone to criticise.

Bohica · 12/06/2011 21:22

Get over it, it was years ago & you must have done something worse to DD since leaving her to cry in her buggy for 2 minutes on a busy bus.

Accidentally elbowed her in the face whist putting the shopping away?
Fed her sausage rolls & fruit shoots?
Let her watch an afternoon of cbeebies because you just can't be arsed?

There must be more to think back on.

BumWiper · 12/06/2011 21:22

Big difference between a child being upset and a child creating noise.

porcamiseria · 12/06/2011 21:22

its really hard to judge, last night i got scared by some people who had their toddler in a pushchair at 1130pm at niight (they were pissed), but the issue was he was sleeping and they had put a jumper over his face. I muttered about him maybe suffocating and they got very aggro with me

you cant win

so you were not BU, you were having a BAD DAY and even though i might have judged you, reading this I understand why you did it, fuck none of us are perfect

why does it still bother you? FORGIVE YOURSELF

Bohica · 12/06/2011 21:23

Oh I forgot. I would have also told the mad bus women to mind her own fecking buisness Grin

bluebobbin · 12/06/2011 21:23

No you were not being unreasonable at all. Forget about it!

magicmelons · 12/06/2011 21:24

Ywnbu, they should have kept out of it, it's hardly abuse and everyone has a bad day sometimes.

Original poster
organictwat · 12/06/2011 21:24

It doesn't bother that much, I just wonder about it sometimes.

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 12/06/2011 21:24

Try to forget about it
we've all done things we're ashamed off
it's hard but you have to try to focus on where you are now with your dd

fairieswearboots · 12/06/2011 21:28

Not at all. You were getting off in a couple of stops, what a faff it would have been to get her out annd then get off the bus . I'm sure she was fine once off the bus eh? It can be really hard looking after children on your own. As long as they are safe it really doesn't hurt for them to be ignored for a short while. We all need to catch our breath occasionally.

ballstoit · 12/06/2011 21:29

YWNBU. It's hard being a mum. Particularly when you're on your own. It is always going to be better to leave your child to cry for a couple of minutes than lose your rag and hurt them because you're exhausted and alone.

Stick this incident in the 'horrile parenting moments' box in your head and don't take it out again. It will be joined by others in the future Grin.

You make the best choice you can with the energy and ability you have at the time, that's how life is.

hellospoon · 12/06/2011 21:33

i would of told her to f off..

doodledaisy · 12/06/2011 21:34

Are you me? I did the same thing with dd one time (whilst waiting for a bus). Looking back I wonder why I didn't pick her up, but at the time I was so tired and worn out with it all I just let her scream. People nearby must have wondered what I was doing not picking up dd, but I didn't. I think about it sometimes and wonder what I'd have done if anyone had said anything, probably burst into tears. But honestly, it didn't do any lasting damage to dd. Let it go and move on, you sound like a good mum, focus on the postives.

bubbleymummy · 12/06/2011 21:36

Could you not just distract her with something? I'm not really in the 'ignore them til they keep quiet' camp tbh.

veritythebrave · 12/06/2011 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotPourri · 12/06/2011 21:42

It's in the past and they were nosy busybodies. I have had all sorts of comments from nasty people on the bus, including two old people complaining that I was taking up all the room with my big buggy and all my children (maclaren = tiny buggy!, 3 children, all behaving lovely). Guess they could have been having a bad day too that day.

But back to the point, it was none of their business.

pollyblue · 12/06/2011 21:47

Verity that'ss awful, there's no excuse for anyone speaking to you like that. I would've cried.

Organic, no I don't think in the circs leaving your dd in the buggy was wrong - if you'd got her out and she'd started to run amuck on the bus you would've got tutted at by someone too. I'm in the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" camp - it's a shame those women, instead of giving you an earful, couldn't find it in themselves to be friendlier and perhaps offer to help. It's not like you were knocking seven bells out of her. Maybe (i hope) they later felt sorry that they'd made you cry.

Being a mum is such a steep learning curve, and exhausting. Don't worry about this one incident and concentrate on all the good you've done since.

RevoltingPeasant · 12/06/2011 21:55

It's awful when you're feeling vulnerable and someone has a go at you.

Not remotely the same, but a couple of years ago, my mum's dog had major surgery and the fur took ages to grow back (apparently a common reaction to the stress of surgery). I was followed whilst walking her by a mad biddy woman who claimed to an RSPCA volunteer and said the dog clearly had mange and she was going to report me, and where did I live so she could write it up, and all sorts.

Looking back I should've just given her a mouthful but at the time I was terrified she'd try to shop me for animal cruelty or something.

How much worse when it was your baby....

RevoltingPeasant · 12/06/2011 21:56

Also, always remember that woman might've seen you crying, and now look back regretfully and think, 'Oh that poor girl, she looked so knackered, I wish I hadn't opened my gob, didn't think I'd make her cry'.

Imagine her being sorry now, that might help :)

JackyJax · 13/06/2011 06:25

It's weird isn't it, the way people assume they understand what's going on in other people's lives.

I still remember having just fed my baby (bottle fed so I knew exactly how much my little guzzler ws getting- a lot!) when I went into the supermarket. He started screaming almost the minute we got in there and this old woman kept saying to me, your baby is hungry, he's hungry. She seemed to loom in each aisle, saying, just feed him, can't you see he's hungry.

If I had breast fed him (ie and wasn't sure how much he had consumed; no offence here to breast feeders, just it's obviously a bit more difficult to know exactly how much they've had) I'd have been really concerned that she was right!

And you know what? She wasn't trying to be mean, she was genuinely concerned about my baby.

You did the best you could for your bub at the time: put it in a big bubble and blow it away!

practicallyimperfect · 13/06/2011 06:35

I have this a lot. Ds is now 21 months and does not like sitting still. However he also like running up and down the bus. I try to distract him, with songs or snacks which sometimes works. But sometimes he tantrums because I won't let him out. So
I just keep saying no,, not til we get there.

I get some looks, but I don't care

Meglet · 13/06/2011 06:47

Yanbu. A screaming child strapped into a pushchair is easier to cope with than one running riot on the bus. Mine would only yell in order to be let out and run around, nothing to do with them wanting me.

AlpinePony · 13/06/2011 06:50

If the worst thing you've done to your daughter is let her cry on a bus you deserve a medal! :)