Woman on bus shouting at me for neglecting DD

[organictwat]

Okay this is more of a was I being unreasonable...

I had DD when I was young and not quite ready have a child. I always wanted DD and was exited about being pregnant but my mum chucked me out, my boyfriend left me and I had to leave college and hold down three jobs in order to support myself and save money for when DD arrived.

I was over the moon when DD arrived but life was a struggle and I was quite lonely and depressed. DD had colic and I found it hard to bond. One day I was on the bus a few stops away from my house. The bus was packed as it was rush hour and DD (about a year old at the time) was screaming as she wanted to get out of the buggy. I was delirious with tiredness and thought if I get her out she will never get back in and we're getting off in a couple of stops so I ignored her....

A woman on the bus then started shouting at me, saying she only wants some attention/to be picked up, then a couple more people joined in, I got off at the next stop in tears....

That was a long time ago but I still think about it and wonder if I was being unreasonable??

God no, not U - considering the appalling state you were in at that time. Let it go, we all have our terrible times, eh? x

YWNBU. It's hard to know what to do sometimes. :)

Verity I will invent a time machine, go back to that day with you, and slap that woman in the face.

These things wound you for a long time because they make you question yourself. But honestly, you did nothing wrong. That woman was a loon.

You don't say how you reacted to these people, all shouting at you on the bus because your child was crying?

YWNBU, as others have said, we've all let them cry, (inwardly thinking shuddupshuddupshuddup) We've all been looked at by bystanders (mine was in Marks and Spencers, man chuntering "think they bloody own the place with their pushchairs")

She could have offered to help.

YWNBU! Threads like this make me sad, they really do. :(

Screaming kids on public transport is a misery for every other person on it. I think most people who have had kids understand that they can be fractious etc but what p*sses them off is parents who just let them howl without trying to comfort them.

There is always at least one old biddie who knows best isnt there, I have met quite a few in my time.
Ignore them, hard I know, but its the best way.

i think what this women was really wanting to say is you are too young to have a baby and can not look after a baby properly

there is pressure on young mums at times to prove themselves and i do feel they will be judged quicker. i have been in similar situations and only had sympatetic support, i had ds when i was 35 though. i to have had the odd comment on how i should parent (was told off in tesco for not controlling my son) i just ignore them

YANBU to leave her in the buggy.

YABU to ignore her in the bus while she was crying. If you had made some sort of effort to calm her down, nobody would have shouted at you.

More likely, what she was trying to say was "We don't all have to listen to your child's screaming in such close quarters. Do something!"

She should have been kind and offered to help. I sat on a plane and listened to an 18 mth old scream for 10 hours recently while the mother stared into space. No toys, no snacks, nothing. Don't know why. I wanted to scream, but at the people around her for not offering to amuse the child for a bit, walk it around etc. (I couldn't).

I think a child screaming for 10 hours on a plane while the mother does nothing is reasonable grounds for murder :)

I charitably thought that the mother must have problems of which I knew nowt...

Sounds like you being judged for being a young mother.

I wonder what the reaction would have been if you had been 30, with your husband in tow.

Or if you had been a single man with the baby. Doubt it would have been the same.

If it bothers you still after all these years then you clearly care very much about doing your best for your child.

In which case you are a good Mum and need to forget about it.

Reaction would have been the same if she'd been 30, 50 70 or a male.

You've excused yourself by explaining how tired, depressed etc you felt, spare a thought for other passengers too. I would imagine quite a few felt ill, tired, suffering from any illness, who knows. To see any parent fail to comfort or pacify a child in a public area does get people's goat, rightly or wrongly. You didn't necessarily have to get her out of a pushchair, but a distraction tactic such as a toy or book might have worked. As long as you try, I think most people are sympathetic.

When my DS was a toddler, we were on the bus looking for cats out of the window. An old lady stopped me on the way off to say it was lovely to see a young mum (25) interacting so nicely with their child

I was being supreme mum that day. It was 10 years ago but I still remember it.

Then there were plenty of days when I did exactly what you did. What would the same old lady have had to say then?

Agree with mollys completely.

Dsis always carried a banana with her for these sort of occasions after sitting next to an inconsolable and hungry child on a train one day. The mother was very relieved to have someone help rather than criticise.

I got my six month old out of her buggy on the bus a few weeks ago because phd was crying and two old men spent the rest of the journey telling me that I would spoil her. You can't win.

Blimey curtaincall what a helpful and organised DSis!

curtaincall - you cant just feed other people's children bananas or anything.

They could have allergies - my son is terribly ill after bananas. But never mind that, the parent may not want their child to eat at that moment and spoil their appetite for a meal later, and once the child has seen the food it can cause more problems than enough if the parent refuses to give the child it.

That's a dangerous road to go down. Each parent knows their own child better than random fellow travellers and should at all times when out in public have a surprise toy or distraction technique ready for such situations

Yanbu ti be upset, the woman should not have said anything and should maybe have tried to talk to your child herself if she felt so strongly about it! However ideally you would have engaged with her or cuddled her. But everyone has bad days and it's not for anyone else to judge, unless you were belting the child or something!

You're right mollys we've had our problems and am going to meet up with her tomorrow for first time in months so will remind her of this kindness and quote your words to her as she's very low in self-esteem.

happyinherts dsis wouldn't have forced the food on this child - she offered it to the mother first without taking it out of her bag. I think the spoiling appetite thing was not the issue at the time as train had broken down or something, and no buffet car etc. Clearly each situation needs to be handled appropriately.

I'm sorry to here about your son's allergy to bananas. That can't be much fun.