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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get a present for DCs on siblings' birthdays?

91 replies

IWantAnotherBaby · 09/06/2011 11:42

This kind of follows from another thread on here about a child who was going to get the day off school for her brother's birthday and had 'a few' presents of her own to open. So I was wondering what people think of the general principle of buying gifts for a child on its siblings' birthdays? I have, so far, bought the non-birthday child a little thing (or 2...) - but when do you stop that? My DS will be 8 soon, and DD (3) has been told by him that she'll get presents as well (she's too little to remember herself that she got 2 small things last year). I was planning to have a little thing wrapped in advance but only bring it out if she really couldn't cope. Not sure how best to handle it really...

OP posts:

vicki2010 · 09/06/2011 13:25

hahah one of my x friends bought their dc2 a bike for her sisters birthday because the sister got a bike....i had children and hence why the friend is now an x!!! my kids are soooo excited at GIVING gifts and accept they get their turn of a special day,I honestly think giving siblings presents for their siblings birthday is utterly ridiculous and its the parents that cannot cope not the kids!!

Pandemoniaa · 09/06/2011 13:25

I never did it and am amazed by the number of people who seem to think it is an essential thing to do to avoid jealousy! I always took the view that the birthday child's day was special and it was them and them alone who received presents but that actually, the sibling also got a great day too because we had a party and/or a special birthday tea. No need for presents as well because that gives a very mixed message, imho.

Pandemoniaa · 09/06/2011 13:28

PS. What is this "not cope" thing too? Of course a child can cope with learning that birthdays presents are for the person who has a birthday. It's really essential for children to learn the joy of giving but even if there is a touch of envy this is hardly "not coping" is it?

wastedwaist · 09/06/2011 13:28

You should all be like me...and have your children on the same day (not twins, 2 years apart) soooooo much easier!!!!!

valiumredhead · 09/06/2011 13:30

Sometimes ds and I used to play 'unbirthdays' we'd make a cake together and put candles in it and sing happy unbirthday to each other!!! We'd wrap up old toys in newspaper or left over birthday wrap and give each other and favourite teddies pressies

Not done it for aaaaaaaages as he's 9 now but I bet if I mentioned it he'd be up for it

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2011 13:35

I'd never even heard of this practice before coming to MN. I'm a bit WTF about it to be honest. Surely it diminishes the specialness for the birthday child?

Mollymax · 09/06/2011 13:39

Each to their own. We all have odd traditions
We don't do it, but MIL always gives money to the birthday child and to the other two as well.
My daughters love making things for each others birthdays and christmas.
One year one crossed out all the 2009 dates in a diary and replaced them with 2010 for her sister :)

ballstoit · 09/06/2011 13:39

Agree with Pandemoniaa - all of my DC have a special day on each other's birthdays. Nice food, probably a day out somewhere nice and the excitement about waiting for the birthday child to open their surprises. No need to buy them additional presents too IMO.

Original poster

IWantAnotherBaby · 09/06/2011 13:42

For us it stemmed from DS receiving gifts when DD was born, from well-meaning relatives keen not to let him feel left out (he was 4.5 at the time). I appreciated the thought then, but now it does seem like an excessive indulgence. I particularly like the point about everyone getting prizes for sports at school; that drives me insane, but I can see that it is pretty much the same thing really.

OP posts:

amidaiwish · 09/06/2011 14:10

well you must all have very reasonable 2 year olds.
i would much rather give a toddler a little present so they don't throw a strop and ruin it for the birthday child!

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 09/06/2011 14:15

I think it is ridiculous. The birthday is to celebrate the birth of that particular person. It is their special day. Have no idea why anyone would feel the need to buy presents for the siblings too. Are they that spoiled? What kind of message does it give? Can't children learn that not every second of every day is about them and that sometimes it is about someone else. Am amazed that I have survived to adulthood really as I never received presents on my siblings birthdays. May need therapy.

SmethwickBelle · 09/06/2011 14:15

Definitely not doing that here!

I don't cut things down the middle exactly either, each gets what each needs, although I try to make sure it evens out in the wash.

I remember one girl at a party DS1 was at memorably dissecting the contents of her party bag to check to see if her sister had anything remotely different (both were guests), uh oh the piece of cake was 1cm bigger so there was much negotiation with the host about having an extra balloon to compensate - and the mother was allowing this which made me do a cats bum mouth and I don't do them often.

piprabbit · 09/06/2011 14:22

I have no problem with people giving gifts to siblings when a new baby born, in fact it might help keep a lid on the jealousy a bit. It's not likely to happen more than a couple of times in a lifetime.

But there is no need to give presents to siblings on other children's birthdays. It detracts from the birthday child being centre of attention for a day.

If you want to make sure that a child feels included in the birthday celebrations then get them making cards or decorations (and ensure everyone makes a big fuss of how marvellous they are), or decorating the cake, or carrying in the presents and being in charge of presenting them to the birthday child. That way they can learn that doing something for someone else can be as rewarding, and feel as good, as getting presents themselves.

Bumperlicioso · 09/06/2011 14:22

For those doing it when their kids are 'too young to understand', don't you find at that age it's more about unwrapping presents. My dd1 is 4 in a couple of weeks and she loves anyone getting presents as long as she can help unwrap them!

Bumperlicioso · 09/06/2011 14:24

Though I must admit to being a bit miffed when my mum comes for my birthday armed with gifts for the dds!

IslaValargeone · 09/06/2011 14:25

I would have thought that giving toddlers a present to prevent them 'throwing a strop' is a bit of an iffy road to go down?

MilaMae · 09/06/2011 14:28

There is a year between my twins and dd. It's bad enough being the singleton at times(twin bdays are kind of full on)and I absolutely refused to have my little girl sat there for an entire day being the only kid in the house without a tiny treat.

We waited a long time for our dc and bdays are special to dp and I and it's the one thing we celebrate with bells on.

We're kind of celebrating our luck and the end of the IVF road too,every year we think about those not so fortunate. Without my boys dd wouldn't be here so all of mine have a little something on each other's birthday,nothing huge(think dd had a tiny felt mouse purse one year,an outfit for her dolly last year,maybe a small SF set,the boys had a teeny Lego set). Nobody else in the family does it,just us and we love it.

All 3 kids love each other's bdays and the boys always look for dd's little something(vice versa),it's part of the day.They get pretty much zilch all year round so the little something is a big deal.As well as adding to the celebration feel of the day we've never had sibling strops on any bday which I think is important for the bday child/children.

Couldn't care less what others think,it works for us and is part of ourcelebrations.

SarahBumBarer · 09/06/2011 14:28

This is one of those issues that always makes me roll my eyes and think "bloody mumsnet". 90% of people on here seem to think it is a terrible idea and of those at least half seem to get far too excited about it.

In principle I agree that birthdays are for the birthday girl/boy and other children need to learn that. But in RL I know lots and lots of families who do this or did this while their DC's were young, their children are now mostly teenagers and perfectly well adjusted, unselfish, charming young people. So while I don't think it is a great idea nor do I think it is ridiculous, nor would I get annoyed or irritated at people who chose to do this.

melrose · 09/06/2011 14:30

amidaiwish - but surely 2 years olds have to throw the strop to learn that they cannot always be the centre of attention! Insane idea that you get presents on another's birthday, My 3 year old is very excited about helping me make cakes for his big brother's birthday and helping wrap up presents and make a card. They do not have to be given stuff to feel involved. He will no doubt also enjoy helping to unwrap presents and generally enjoying a happy family day

lazylula · 09/06/2011 14:32

I do it, but it is literally a very small item like a toy car or something from the 99p shop. Ds1 still knows that it is ds2's special day, that everything is done for him and is encouraging ds2 to be excited about his birthday at teh end of the month, telling him he will get cake and presents and things. They are not spoilt in any way. I encourage him to come shopping for a gift for ds2 and this year will do the same with ds2 when it is ds1's birthday. Ds2 will be 3 this year. It is all about traditions within families I think and each to their own.

mrsjuan · 09/06/2011 14:35

How does it detract from the birthday child's special day? Surely they are far too engrossed in opening / playing with their presents to notice their brother or sister unwrapping a magazine / hair accessory / yo yo etc.? It's not as if they are giving one of their presents to their sibling.

I fail to see why people think this is so bad - I haven't read a good argument against it yet. Do you never buy your children small treats 'just because'? How is this different?

reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 14:35

My Mum has always sent the others a small present on their siblings birthday.

Usually a Tee shirt or some colouring stuff when they were little.

She just liked sending them presents.

EverythingInMiniature · 09/06/2011 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MilaMae · 09/06/2011 14:41

I never reward bad behaviour,I'm very stingy all year round-I do however buy siblings a gift on each others bday. They never demand anything ever and by and large they're very good kids so it hasn't exactly had a much of an impact. Families all have different traditions and celebration things in different ways.

As Sarah says it's not something to get upset about.I hate pillowcases at Xmas,huge bin bags of gifts at parties,the practice of buying kids toys on a shopping trip but if others want to.... .

Pandemoniaa · 09/06/2011 14:41

Actually, it's totally different from a "just because" small treat because it sends a message that says "Life is SO unfair, isn't it?" and that's unrealistic and irresponsible.

As for the idea that someone cannot "have my little girl sat there for an entire day being the only kid in the house without a tiny treat" well I'm sorry, but this is histrionic tosh. It suggests that those of us who don't/didn't give presents to the non-birthday child were, in some strange way, cruel and neglectful. Which is also tosh.

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