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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want the biological father involved when my baby is born.

83 replies

skivy · 09/06/2011 10:17

I found out I was pregnant one week after separating from my partner. I ended the relationship due to his jealous, possessive and irrational behaviour towards myself. I also found out he had been telling me a lot of lies including the fact he claimed to be infertile. I am now 9 months pregnant and very depressed due to his constant contact and harassment throughout my pregnancy. I have had to involve the police on numerous occasions as he won't leave me alone. He claims that I am being unreasonable and selfish by not wanting his involvement with the baby when it is born. To be honest I am terrified of what he is capable of and rarely leave the house unless I need to, to avoid him seeing me or anyone else seeing me and reporting my every move back to him.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 09/06/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flippinada · 09/06/2011 20:24

I think it's pretty clear this man is a danger to the op and to others and her desire to have him nowhere near her or her child is entirely sensible.

skivy - I'm surprised no-one has suggested contacting womens aid - they will offer you help and support to deal with this awful situation.

flippinada · 09/06/2011 20:27

Link here :- www.womensaid.org.uk/

Good luck to you and keep posting here for support skivy.

Andrewofgg · 09/06/2011 20:48

As a minimum see he gets photos and news through a third party.

Don't link contact and support. He can't and you can't.

Good luck: you have a rough road ahead and it's posts like yours which sometimes make me embarrassed to be male.

FabbyChic · 09/06/2011 20:51

Can you move at all? Even to somewhere within the same area so he doesn't know where you are? Have you changed email addresses, and phone numbers so he cannot contact you?

If he comes to your home refuse to answer the door and call the police and say you are being harrassed/

bochead · 09/06/2011 21:31

Look if the police and social services have told you to leave his name off the birth certificate take their advice, they have vast experience of how the darker elements of human society operate, unlike most of the perfectly reasonable, pleasant people on here.

The police especially are the poor sods who attend the crime scene 1st when it all goes wrong, and have to call the ambulance all too often, advice like this from them is NOT to be taken lightly as most experienced officers have had to see things which would make our hair turn white. They see humanity at it's best and worst sadly.

Also remember IF social services deem you to be putting your child at risk by ignoring their sensible advice (based on their experience of the MO of dangerous men, which sadly will be greater than your own) then you put your OWN rights to contact & parental responsibility with the child at risk. This is the worst case scenario but it's the truth.

In cold terms - ignore their advice and they can and will take the child away from you too, in order to protect that child if need be. Seriously if your gut instinct and the police, and social services professional all think the man is a risk to the child it's really unlikey that you are ALL wrong is it?

At that point those same people who tutted at you for refusing to give "Dear Daddy" PR via his name on the birth certificate will "tut" at you some more. If he has you so scared you've already felt the need to move house and uproot your existing children ignore all the "fathers rights" brigade and take my earlier advice.

If he is a perfectly reasonable human being who is freaking at the thought of losing the flesh and blood he wishes to raise and protect with love and kindness he'll be willing to swallow his frustrations and agree to whatever conditions a court applies to him in order to see his kid. You'll know by the time the kid is a year old if he's made the effort to respectfully apply to a court for PR, humiliate himself through supervised contact at a centre and apologised (via a letter) for scaring you out of your home. His name can be added to the birth cert in a decades time if you deem it appropriate - that's not a priority today, keeping yourself and new bubba safe is.

What normal parent wouldn't be willing to go the extra mile for their kid? ALL decent parents will swallow their pride and walk over hot coals if need be to see their children. If this is just a temporary freak out on his part, then time will make that clear, and you'll be able to adjust your approach to him accordingly. On the other hand a newborn is waaaay too vulnerable to allow anywhere near someone who scares you out of your own home when pregnant and that the police & SS deem to be a risk.

HerBeX · 09/06/2011 21:41

I would actually not send photos or have contact with him via a third party, except a contact centre or lawyer. Reaching out to abusers like this is dangerous, give them an inch and they take a mile. Any contact like this, will convince him that he has a right to be in your life and will spur him on to continue harassment - it is a message to him that there's still some mileage to be gained from harassing you.

I wish the state would recognise the danger men like this pose to women and children. They're always so suprised when the Raoul Mote's of this world ran amok, when anyone who knows anything about male violence against women, could have accurately predicted his behaviour.

redwineformethanks · 09/06/2011 22:11

I think you'd be better speaking to a lawyer in your own country who can give you proper legal advice

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