To not want the biological father involved when my baby is born.

[skivy]

I found out I was pregnant one week after separating from my partner. I ended the relationship due to his jealous, possessive and irrational behaviour towards myself. I also found out he had been telling me a lot of lies including the fact he claimed to be infertile. I am now 9 months pregnant and very depressed due to his constant contact and harassment throughout my pregnancy. I have had to involve the police on numerous occasions as he won't leave me alone. He claims that I am being unreasonable and selfish by not wanting his involvement with the baby when it is born. To be honest I am terrified of what he is capable of and rarely leave the house unless I need to, to avoid him seeing me or anyone else seeing me and reporting my every move back to him.

Ok fair enough. I interpreted OP saying she is 'terrified of what he is capable of' to mean she already knows he is capable of terrible things.

A few posters on here were insinuating that the OP may be exaggerating about how bad her ex is, just because she's decided she doesn't want him in her life anymore. That was what I was referring to re the 'slating'.

if you opened up dialogue with him he'd prob be less inclined to pester and harass! its a vicious circle, but your trying to ignore him/exclude him is prompting his desperation to "be in the loop"!

and i'm shocked at the number of people advising not to put his name on the birth certificate simply to avoid PR. way to use a child as a tool! that Birth certificate will be with the child for the rest of his/her life and a blank space where dad's name should be (even though father is known) is pretty depressing IMO.

Prosecution, to say nothing of a conviction, is still hard for women in situations of domestic oppression to obtain. Despite overhauls of the system for many it is still a struggle to get these matters taken seriously by the police, it still takes a lot of logging incidents, a lot of time. The OP may be working towards that but not yet there, she may not have sufficient support from the police. That would hardly be unusual. Or she may have no evidence to support a prosecution - which is different to having no reason to need one. writing her off if she isn't getting the man prosecuted is not something which sits comfortably with this woman.

Indeed, keep an open mind is fine. But if I were in a situation which caused me justifiable concern there would be every reason in my opinion for what it's worth, to take action to avoid the man. If there isn't genuine cause for concern that's a different matter of course.

glitter, I think though correct me if I'm wrong, that a father's name can be added to a birth certificate at a later stage?

Yes, a father's name can be added at a later stage. My father's name isn't on my BC, although I do know who he is, I don't get why some people seem to think it will automatically be a big deal.

OP I know it may be the last thing on your mind but if you do decide not to put the father's name on the Birth Certificate, then that man is no longer required to support the child financially so that might be worth taking into consideration as access can be denied at a later stage but if he refuses a paternity test then you will never get a penny from him.

Back to the original point though, my initial thoughts were of course YABU not only are you playing around with his feelings you are also playing your child's before it is even born but now I realise there seems to be something lurking in your situation (violence or threatening behaviour maybe?) which may be influencing your decision and if this is the case go to your lawyer straight away and they will send a letter to him as far as I am aware he can't not reply unless he is'nt interested.

My SIL was in a similar position when she had her DD (now 13) and never put him on the birth certificate and has never actually disclosed who he is yet she has told everyone that he is well known to them and he just was'nt worth it, DN now throws it in her face most days during an argument and has serious issues with it.

I think you have to sit down and think long and hard about your decision because it will have a big impact on your DC when he/she is old enough to question you about him and in my experience it is not a nice thing to be told that your dad was banned from seeing you and never given the chance to sort himself out.

Obviously though only you know your situation and you are the only one who can take action but my advice is get to a lawyer straight away and give him the benefit of the doubt and unless he has some pretty nasty convictions they will give him access.

A private law application CAN be made to discharge PR. it would only be successful in extreme circumstances however.

furthermore there is every chance contact can be stopped if there is a legitimate risk to a child! it's silly to think otherwise!

its the Courts that decide though, with guidance from CAFCASS/ Social Services and they decide based on the child's best interests.

OK here goes from one who has "been there".

Do note my advice is ONLY for women who genuinely think the man is very dangerous, not peeved little madams who just want their own way. It is important to note that one of the key reasons women really at risk find it hard to believe is because of the selfish madams who cry "wolf" when non-abusive relationships break down. If you are peeved cos he won't pay maintenance or has run off with your best friend this is not the right approach for you, it's for those who wanna keep their kids alive.

Having given that caveat I would point out that a 1/3 of ALL DV starts in pregnancy, a young baby is a key risk factor and sadly also is the period AFTER the woman has escaped, but the man has not accepted that things are really over iyswim.

1. Register that baby ALONE. Forget any moralising over his rights from people who don't get what some people are capable of doing to their own offspring. It means you'll start off in a position where if he wants parental responsility he'll have to stand in front of a judge and explain why - in other words make an effort to show he is safe to be around your child. Remember if he gets PR he can swan off to the other end of the country and have YOU applying for contact perfectly legally. If he is dangerous your child will be put at risk. He can also use his PR to make your life hell if your gut instincts are right.

1. Apply as soon as you can for a prohibited steps order and a residency order. Preferably BEFORE he applies for PR. To get these you will need GENUINE evidence of harrassment e.g police, hospital reports etc. You will also have to convince a judge this is in the child's best interest which is not an easy road. Don't be scared of social services - if you are willing to go to court to protect your kid they'll help you if they can. They will give you moral support to stand up to him and can even help you move house etc. Likewise Woman's Aid - the people that run this have been around, know these guys MO and wil be a wealth of aid and assistance to you.

1. IF he takes you to court and your evidence is deemed too weak to keep him away altogether - ensure contact is supervised at all costs for a period of time and be prepared for him to demonstrate he can be a benefit to your child, even if he made you life hell iyswim. This is why I tell women to conatct womens aid though - they can help you prevent it gong this far.

If he bothers to go to court and put himself through the humiliation of a contact centre under observation one a week for 6 months - give him a bit of credit. Ensure the build up to unsupervised contact is gradual and child friendly e.g a trip to the park for 2 hours following 2 hours supervised for a few months, then a whole afternoon, then a day. Let him prove his comittment to the welfare of the child over the long term, remember that also includes being civil (not friendly or fawning just respectful and non-threatening) to you and other significant emotional contacts in the child's life.

Yekke- you can apply to amend the BC but it's an arduous process.

PR can be achieved through Court Order or a PR agreement regardless as to if the name is on the BC and that's easier than amending a Public Record. saying that, i'm no expert on public records and alterations so someone who knows better will hopefully shed some light.

Dingle- the comment re a father not being liable for Child Support if his name isn't on the BC isn't correct. the CSA would still pursue regardless. if there were paternity disputes a DNA test would be conducted. if positive, dad would be liable, even if his name isn't on the BC.

I had absolutely every intention of involving him in the child's life when I first found out I was pregnant, and was even going to allow him to attend antenatal appointments with me. I explained to him that I would have been uncomfortable with him attending the birth as we were no longer in a relationship and would have preferred my sister as support in that situation. I told him I would have however been happy for him to be at the hospital to be one of the first to meet and bond with the baby. Unfortunately he was not happy with this and that is when the harassment started.

He would phone, text and email constantly but the content of these messages were nothing to do with him being a father or his involvement with the unborn child. They were personal attacks on me. He was making up lies and claiming that he was hearing these stories about myself from 3rd parties. He tried to isolate me from friends and family by telling me that they were giving him some of this information. I still find it hard to trust or speak to anyone regarding the situation. he has also threatened to "take the baby" from me as he claims to have equal rights.

The police have been out to see him at least five times. I have kept a log of all his messages/emails and the police acknowledged that the nature of these are harassing and that his behaviour is classed as stalking. He has been warned to stay away from me and physically he has (the messages continue though) but has stated that "things will be different when the baby arrives" and that I've to just "try and stop" him!

I have had to change my phone number and move house as he was hounding me. He has been caught questioning my 7 year old sons friends to gain information about myself.

I have been advised by a lawyer, the police, domestic abuse support unit and social work to leave his name off the birth certificate. So I intend to do so but still I am being made to feel like I am being unreasonable.

Interesting advice bochead. i'm just glad you clarify it by the proviso that such action can only ever be justified if there is a real risk of harm to either mother or child.

believe me when i say that there are many many women who utter the "DV" magic words in Court because they know that this makes it very hard for the fathers involved. contact centres, court protection (i.e non-molestation orders/occupation orders) should not be abused, as you say, by people who simply want to get one over an ex. unfortunately, it does happen. a lot.

in that case Skivy, at the very least get your solicitor to send a warning letter before action, threatening a Non molestation order if he continues. perhaps the letter could also go on to say that dialogue regarding contact should be dealt with via solicitors alone. if he doesn't wish (or cant afford) to instruct one, he can go through your solicitor.

OP has repeatedly offered the father communication through her solicitor, which he has refused.

If any of you had your DC taken off you and were told that if you wanted to see them you had to contact a solicitor, would you refuse? Thought not.

False allegations of abuse and control are rare, despite what the DM would lead you to believe. I'm picking up on phrases used by the OP along the lines of "jealous, possessive and irrational behaviour" "constant contact and harassment" "I have had to involve the police on numerous occasions" "I am terrified of what he is capable of". I think the OP is right to insist on communication only through solicitors.

Personally, I believe that any man capable of abusing his partner/XP is not a person that should be allowed unsupervised contact with a child. Abusers tend to abuse anyone they think cannot stand up to them, which means children are at extra special risk. Unfortunately the courts don't agree with me.

My advice OP would be to make a nuisance of yourself to the police. Report him each and every time he harasses you while re-offering communication through your solicitor as often as possible. Then you'll have good grounds for insisting on contact at a contact centre (so he cannot abuse you during access or at handover).

I should also point out that you cannot just walk into court and say your XP is abusive to prevent contact. You have to be able to prove it. They don't just take your word on it.

I am not denying that a very small proportion of women may go to courts and make false allegations of abuse, but by far the bigger problem is women who genuinely are abused who lack the evidence to be able to prove it. DV is a hugely unreported crime.

no woman can be tricked into getting pregnant. If you're having unprotected sex then there is a chance you will get pregnant - it is that simple.

wannabe while I agree with you, that's not really the point of this thread. OP made a mistake and is having to live with the consequences.

The whole 'being tricked' into having a baby is a line many, many men have trotted out over the centuries to escape taking any responsibility for their children. OP isn't running away from hers - she's keeping the baby.

OP - I stand corrected. Thank you for clarifying. Under those circumstances, I think you're perfectly right to do everything you can to minimise his contact with you. As others have said, get your legal ducks in a row.

going totally against the grain here but YANBU for not wanting someone like that in your childs life!!

i was in a similar situ and left partner at 3mth pregnant didnt tell him i had ds until 2weeks old - should have gone with instinct and left it alone but gave into the whole 'he has a right to see his dad' etc.... anyway long story short he was in and out of my ds life for 1st 5 yrs always promising the world to him while giving him nothing, always letting him down and me picking up the pieces.

i decided after a particular weekend (i went away left ds with him - he had gf stay in my bed, smoked in house (i dont) drank all the booze and let ds cross 2 roads to go shop on his own) that ebough was enough.

moved out of the area but we had mutual friends and i always said dont give address (turn up pissed one day) but if he want to write or send birthday card contact can be made - nothing!!!

fast forward 6 yrs ds loves his step dad have fantastic relationship - good family life, who crawls out from under rock on fb, yes father of year - queue promises of xboxes, visits, trips etc... and after 2mths of texts and calls (no visits he wanted to stay on our sofa or for me to drive 2 hours - me thinks not) i get the"i'm sorry such a let down, wont contact you or ds again" text so heard nowt since february so in revenge for him being the biggest waste of space and messing with ds head i got the csa involved after 11 yrs - dont want his money but thought balls to you messing us around - csa come back with £5 a week as he's on benefits!!! so im paying in tax what he contributes to our son.

then last week looking on ds's phone he's been texting again!!!! - if i had the money i woulf hire a hitman cos as far as im concerned he's using up precious oxygen!!!!!

so no - i dont believe every bio father has a right to be around!!!!

good luck with the baby - hopefully you have a supportive family network around you xx

ahhhhh sorry just saw the last posts ignore mine - its more about a useless pisshead than someone violent or aggressive!!!

i didnt have him on the birth certificate so he doesnt have PR when i got married we applied for my husband to have PR which was granted so should anything happen to me DH is legal guardian!!!

good luck x

"furthermore there is every chance contact can be stopped if there is a legitimate risk to a child! it's silly to think otherwise!"

You'd think. Unfortunately the bar for "risk" seems to be set ridiculously high. I'm not going to link it but there was a thread recently about a poster in a horrible situation with her ex and the children and CAFCASS were being utterly useless at protecting them. Someone I know in RL has also had a situation where they had to move across the country more than once to escape her ex, he was that dangerous, and yet he's been granted access to their children, who don't want to see him. It's mad!

Also worth a read is the current AIBU thread called something like "another woman murdered by her ex" - DV is far from being taken seriously in this country. If any woman has the chance to protect her child better than the law does from the cycle of abuse then she should take that chance, and ignore ANYONE who says she is unreasonable for doing so.

Why do you all think that there are so many reports of men killing their children? That's not counting the ones the media don't bother to focus on. This man is obviously dangerous. "I have been advised by a lawyer, the police, domestic abuse support unit and social work to leave his name off the birth certificate." The police have advised the OP to leave his name off. The police. Not exactly known as a bastion of militant man hating, are they, the police? If they think he's bad news, then I suspect that he would be bad news for this child.

Courts do not prevent fathers from gaining access to their children.

I've been involved with my psycho stalker ExP for 13 years now and he still uses access to our son to torment me.

I wish I'd moved as far away as possible when I was pregnant. He's unhealthily obsessed with our son to the point of being creepy and he's mentally abusive to me.