Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want the biological father involved when my baby is born.

83 replies

skivy · 09/06/2011 10:17

I found out I was pregnant one week after separating from my partner. I ended the relationship due to his jealous, possessive and irrational behaviour towards myself. I also found out he had been telling me a lot of lies including the fact he claimed to be infertile. I am now 9 months pregnant and very depressed due to his constant contact and harassment throughout my pregnancy. I have had to involve the police on numerous occasions as he won't leave me alone. He claims that I am being unreasonable and selfish by not wanting his involvement with the baby when it is born. To be honest I am terrified of what he is capable of and rarely leave the house unless I need to, to avoid him seeing me or anyone else seeing me and reporting my every move back to him.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 09/06/2011 10:58

As OP has had to involve the police to deal with this man she would have evidence to take to court. This man sounds like a manipulative controller. I would advise the legal route. Your gut may not be taken into account in court but you should not ignore it when it comes to how you approach him. I would bet money you ignored it when you started a realtionship with him.

Yekke · 09/06/2011 11:04

ILT I appreciate what you're saying re the child's rights (and am aware of the legal position, am not arguing with you) but as far as I'm concerned there are occasions when the mothers have to trump them. It's all very well the child having rights but the child isn't the one who is aware of any circumstances such as, for example, harassment, controlling behaviour, DV etc. IMHO it shouldn't always be something to be dictated by coming from the child's POV.

If I were the OP and I was genuinely scared by this man (and if she's not going out for fear of him it sounds worrying) I'd not only be declining to name him on the birth certificate I'd seriously be considering moving house and area.

GinAndWater · 09/06/2011 11:06

OP I'm sorry to say this but YABU

I got pregnant and split up with my partner at the time. He was being a total arsehole an immature, selfish git. He did provide financially but wasn't involved with DD7 until about 2 years ago.

In the mean time, I met someone else, got married and moved countries. I kept sending him updates and news until he finally grew up he realised the errors of his ways and wanted to get to know her.

Nevertheless, I could never live with the prospect of my DD growing up and resenting me for cutting her biological father out of her life.

I had to put MY feelings aside, for the sake of my daughter having a chance of a relationship with him. I went back home with her, she was old enough to understand who he was and was thrilled to meet him. Last year he came to stay with us for a week, so that he could get to know her and our family better. DH & I cooked for him, had loads of nice chat and I am pleased now that I didn't listen to my anger, I kept things open for DD. They speak on Skype one hour each weekend and he is coming again this autumn to spend time with our family.

Sorry if this is long but I think you could make a big mistake here....You can find every excuse under the sun for not wanting him in your life but at the end of the day, he is the child's father.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 09/06/2011 11:07

hard luck

he has the exact same rights as you do with regards to the child

wannaBe · 09/06/2011 11:09

how do you know he lied about being infertile? It's not uncommon for people to be told they cannot conceive/father a child and to end up pregnant.

Sorry but unless the man said he'd had a vasectomy it's a bit bloody stupid to be having unprotected sex and then blame him when you get pregnant!

And your (yours and his) child has the right to have a relationship with both his parents. If he goes to court he will get access, overnight and ultimately weekend contact. You'll just have to live with that.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 11:09

I agree with Yekke. He doesn't get automatic PR, so you have no legal obligation to him. It sounds harsh but - sorry - the way he's acting is abusive. Violence or not, it makes no difference.

OP has children from a previous relationship who have a stable relationship with their dad. Why is this guy so "anxious" about having contact with his baby when she is clearly reasonable? Could it be because, hmm, he KNOWS he's being unreasonable? If he starts acting like an adult, then fair enough. But somehow I doubt it.

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 11:09

Yekke......op has not indicated in her op a dangerous man to flee from? what have the police done op? What action?

HushedTones · 09/06/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 11:17

Since you've involved the police several times, it must have been significant harrassment. I would go through the courts. Of course he doesn't want to do lawyers etc, but he's making your life miserable and has lost any right to consideration from you.

I'd want a restraining order or something against him for myself. Once the baby is born, it's for him to apply to be put on the birth certificate and to obtain parental responsibility. I wouldn't obstruct this, but I would make sure he goes about it the legal way.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 11:23

From OP:

He is jealous and possessive. - Jealousy could be a misunderstanding, possessive is a strong word and implies more controlling behaviour. OP is afraid of him seeing if she leaves the house despite the fact they have now split up. That's not normal. How many of your exes are you afraid of being seen by?

He has lied about being infertile, presumably with intent to make her pregnant - if it was just about having sex without condoms, why not suggest she went on the pill? Okay, he could have thought he was infertile, but still, why not suggest a back up method just to be safe?

He is irrational to the point that OP can't have a proper conversation with him. He is refusing to handle this via legal means as it's clear they can't discuss the matter between them - okay, it might cost money, but seriously, what price is being able to see your child worth?

OP finds him "intimidating" and is "terrified of what he is capable of".

OP by contrast is keen to do the right thing by her child, whether that's allowing access to its father or keeping the father out of its life. She has no irrational dislike towards men in general, as she states she has a stable arrangement with her other children's father. Yes she was foolish not to take extra precautions in the relationship, but there's no point berating her about that now - I expect she knows it.

I'm sure I'll have x-posted but it seems clear to me who is being unreasonable here.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 11:25

I think buzzsore has the right idea too. Stay reasonable, stay calm, don't hand over control, but be willing to accept it if he does calm down and start acting like an adult.

Yekke · 09/06/2011 11:27

ILT I said "If I was the OP and I WAS GENUINELY SCARED...", meaning in terms of worst-case-scenario. I'm not the OP, I don't know how much she has to fear and whether it's warranted and wasn't indicating that she must do these things but that these are what I would do IF there was in my opinion a need to. IYSWIM.

MooMooFarm · 09/06/2011 11:40

OP I assume that if you weren't 'terrified of what he is capable of' you would have no problem with him playing a part in your child's life? If so YANBU. I am a bit surprised at the slating you are getting from some people on here .

You need to get legal advice as soon as you can. As you probably know he doesn't have any legal 'rights' if he isn't named on the birth certificate (which is your choice to decide). But if he does decide to take the legal route he could end up getting some form of access. Already having a solicitor on side so you know what you may or may not have to allow will hopefully put your mind at rest. And a solicitor can help put a stop to the harrassment - you do not have to put up with it.

Personally I think any man who abuses their (now ex) partner (which is surely what he has done) should have a big fight on their hands to be allowed any access to children of that relationship. Those kind of men frequently 'use' children from an abusive relationship to get back at the woman who finally managed to get away from them - fact.

Yekke · 09/06/2011 11:54

Amen to that MooMooFarm

BimboNo5 · 09/06/2011 11:57

How has this man 'tricked' the OP into pregnancy? Nobody can be tricked into it, if you dont want a pregnancy you take precautions, you dont hang onto someones every word. It doesnt take just one person to make a baby.

Yukana · 09/06/2011 11:59

I personally don't think YABU. If he's made you this scared, and is behaving like you describe, I don't think he should be around the child. He scares you too much for you to be around him, and he's not someone you can trust alone with your child. I think it may actually damage the child more to know of and be around a father who harrasses the mother amongst other various behavior. I know certainly if I put myself in the shoes of a child, I'd be scared of my own father if he behaved that way or be scared for my mother.

strandedbear · 09/06/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooMooFarm · 09/06/2011 12:06

Bimbo he 'tricked' her by telling her he was infertile. Ok so maybe she shouldn't have taken his word for it. That was her mistake. We all make mistakes don't we? Does that mistake mean the OP deserves to be harrassed and terrified?

HushedTones · 09/06/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 12:09

Problem is, we only have OP's interpretation of events. Maybe the father isn't hassling her as any of us would recognise it (hence the police not taking action). Perhaps the father's friends aren't really following the OP, she merely thinks that they are. Perhaps the father's skint and can't afford a lawyer, which is why he's trying really hard to avoid the legal route.

Or perhaps not. We can't tell.

All we can say with certainty is that the father is entirely within his rights to apply for PR from courts and nothing the OP has written gives grounds for thinking he won't be granted it. And once PR has been granted then the child has a right to know its father.

It seems to me that people aren't slating the OP at all. Just pointing out the facts.

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 12:11

Yakana - I accept that the OP's scared. But none of us can tell if her fears are justified or not. And the OP is being unreasonable and selfish to deny him involvement once the child is born.

Yekke · 09/06/2011 12:13

"And the father is being very pushy about his involvement with the baby but is that because he is a monstrous freak with control issues? Or is it because his pregnant ex is hiding herself away and refusing to talk to him let alone reassure him that he will be allowed to get to know his child?"

If you were, say, selling a sofa to me or I were to adopt a cat from you, would that give me the right to harass you? We may have a common interest but that wouldn't mean that you had to cooperate with me.

At the moment the OP has no obligation whatsoever to have contact with this man. Whatever happens with her body at this stage is entirely down to her she does not need to share it with him. The more he harasses the more she has justification for being concerned and withdrawing. She is not his possesssion, not answerable to him.

GypsyMoth · 09/06/2011 12:14

That's why I asked what police have done, kind of gives an idea of seriousness of situation

CinnabarRed · 09/06/2011 12:16

I'm very willing to stand corrected if the OP tells us that the father is being prosecuted for stalking, or similar. But until she tells us that, I'm keeping an open mind.

And Yekke, it's offensive to men to equate becoming a father with buying a sofa or adopting a cat.

BertieBotts · 09/06/2011 12:19

No. But the problem is once he has PR you can't take it away. Once he has access it's very difficult to stop it, even if he's likely to harm the child. In most cases that right shouldn't need to be earnt, but if he is acting the way I'm reading it, I would be extremely wary.

Flip

1 2 3 4