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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP left me last night

91 replies

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 13:24

Well I'm numb and shocked and totally totally lost, DD(2) is in nursery, DS(6) is at school and i'm wondering round the house unable to concentrate on anything. Bouncing between strong resolve that if he came crawling back tonight I'd tell him where to go and tearful tantrums of how much i ache for him.
No blazing row, no infidelity. He just expressed he was unhappy and wanted to move out. Referring to occassions like last sunday when i asked him to hoover (bearing in mind that he hadnt lifted a finger all wk cos he works fulltime and i only work part time). On reflection i did ask him to contribute to the household finances, as he works fulltime and i work part time and i pay all the bills as he has a house elsewhere that he moved out of to live with me and refuses to sell as its his house, and stated he couldnt contribute as he pay more petrol to commute to work (now further living with me) and has his own bills. I said i didnt expect a 50% contribution merely a small amount to help out since he isnt short. when it comes to downing a bottle of wine or vodka, 4 times a wk then the money is there. Anyways he left, last night. Packed his bags and went back to his house. And i'm lonely and sad and bereft and angry and tearful and lost. And dont know what to do, pls help :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:02

even tho my first instinct is, when he gets home i'll show him this thread and prove that i'm not being unreasonable to expect him to contribute and how that he gets the msg and changes his ways.
Cos he isnt coming home and if he does i shouldnt care what he thinks and just let him pack the remainder of his things and bolt the door behind him.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 14:02

Dont look on it as a failure, look on it as time for a new start. :) You havent failed, HE has.

ShoutyHamster · 08/06/2011 14:06

Congratulations

You've jettisoned one sponging, selfish, entitled, whining little extra mouth (how pathetic is that?!) who certainly doesn't seem to have loved or cared for you in the slightest.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, and it will take you time to get over him. But when you do, you will realise that you are SO much better off. You can do SO much better. He will probably realise this, too - if you find yourself considering taking him back when he crawls - re-read this thread

and don't!

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:07

cocklodger...thats a new one for me. He was the one who was reluctant to move in and i pushed and pushed. He always said he wasnt ready etc etc. After 12 months together i said 'i'm fed up of our superficial relationship, this isnt what i want so either moved and make a full commitment to this family or walk away for good'. I guess on reflection that wasnt the best way to deal with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:08

Maybe he just got a bit of cold feet and need a lil time to get his head sorted then we can make it work?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 08/06/2011 14:10

Flojo, don't wait for him to come back and pack his stuff. Put the lot in bin bags and stick it outside the door, then send him a text telling him to collect it before the next rubbish collection day or it'll be put out for the dustmen!

I wouldn't attempt to show him this thread. A man who cares so little for you, his supposed partner is not going to give a rats arse what we think. Just keep reminding yourself of how little he contributed to your life and now you only have yourself and the DC's to please

HalfTermHero · 08/06/2011 14:10

What a prick he sounds. You are better off without him. He sounds highly irresponsible, utterly selfish and totally self absorbed. Solicitor and child support agency. Hopefully they will be able to get the lazy twat to realise he is unable to walk away from his responsibilities.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:10

Dont get me wrong pls, hes not a complete waste of space, he does work full time and taking on someone elses kids is a lot to ask and he does help out in other ways, like last night I ask him and he agree to watch DS while i went to zumba for an hour (DD was asleep) (and dont yell but it was kind of his suggestion that i needed to lose weight....hang on!....he did say it in the nicest possible way!...and its true!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:13

And yes my confidence and self esteem is at rock bottom cos i cant get a job as a nurse (single mum, school hols, shift pattern blah blah), my mates seem to prefer doing family stuff these days than spend time with me and my DD has begun the kicking and screaming phase. And i feel like i cant even string a sentence together anymore so why would anyone want me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:14

Gezzz shoot me now, how utterly self indulgent. I have 2 beautiful kids who i adore and i'm so so lucky, i must add.

OP posts:

MadameOvary · 08/06/2011 14:14

He doesn't need to get his head sorted. Not in his mind anyway. He isnt the one with the problem. In his mind anyway. It isn't a question of him being ready, it's more his attitudes completely suck.
He thinks it's ACCEPTABLE to behave like this, so there's no changing that.
A quick word in his ear wont make a difference, because he doesn't care.

QueenofDreams · 08/06/2011 14:14

argh. You're talking yourself round already. Don't do it...

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 08/06/2011 14:15

where do you see your relationship in 5 - 10 yrs OP?

you still hanging on for any crumb he offers?

Miggsie · 08/06/2011 14:15

I think my neighbour has looked after my kids more often than your partner did by the sound of it...

noddyholder · 08/06/2011 14:16

You have had a lucky escape.Concentrate on your children for now and yourself. He sounds an arse tbh

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 14:17

He was the one who was reluctant to move in and i pushed and pushed. He always said he wasnt ready etc etc

Well, in fairness to him then, he did warn you and you really should have listened. But that just enforces the fact that this is not a failure on your part, but his heart wasnt in this from the start, so it was always going to be doomed.

Chin up Flojo, in a few weeks time, I guarantee you will be breathing a sigh of relief that a new chapter has started in life. :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2011 14:17

OP, I had a look at your other threads, and can't believe you continued this relationship as long as you have. It's been limping along for some time, hasn't it? You do seem to have a very low opinion of yourself in these threads, describing yourself as a single mother with two children, who else would look at me etc.

IMO you've accepted this poor relationship for far too long, for fear of being alone. You know, it's really not so bad! In practical terms, since he contributed so little, you're actually going to be better off without him running up your food bill. Will you be eligible for additional benefits as well? It will take a little time to get over, but you must know in your heart that he was really not for you. There are good men out there, and you're not going to come across them whilst you're attached. Him moving out may not seem so at the moment, but it really is the best thing that could have happened to you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/06/2011 14:17

As karma has said, this guy doesn't warrant the title of 'dp', and you're well rid because he was using you for his convenience.

Of course, this won't stop you feeling bereft and you'll miss the familiarity of having someone else around and the sex until you get used to being home alone again.

Take some time to grieve for what might have been had this tosser been able to totally commit to you and your dcs, and use it as a means to establishing exactly what you want and need from any future relationship.

What is of some concern is that your dcs are very young, and it won't be good for them if you continue to allow commitmentphobes to play temporary happy families in your home.

While you're taking stock take a good hard look at yourself. Are you coming from a place of emotional need? Do you feel incomplete if you haven't got a man in your life, and do you consequently rush into live-in relationships without taking time to thoroughly get to know the other party and discussing your future aspirations?

Concentrate on nurturing your dcs, and build a life for all of you that doesn't depend on having a man around. Next time you fall in lust love take a step back and assess whether the guy is going to enhance your life or add to your problems - and make your expectations about what constitutes a good relationship crystal clear before sharing your dcs and your home with another man.

TheFeministsWife · 08/06/2011 14:22

Oh Flojo don't talk yourself out of staying away from him. He hasn't really taken on someone else's kids has he? Not when he doesn't contribute financially and he watched your DS for an hour big bloody wow. He's not a saint. I got with my DH when I was 16 and DSD was 2, I used to go and get her from her abusive mum whilst DH was in work and I was supposed to be in sixth form. I was her primary carer because DH was earning, I treated her as my own. This man has done nothing for you and your kids accept chip away at your self esteem. You deserve so much better. Please be strong and don't go back to him.

mrsjohnsimm · 08/06/2011 14:26

taking on someone elses kids is a lot to ask

He hasn't "taken on" your kids, though. He was nice enough to them but still saw housing and feeding them as 100% your responsibility, and if he looked after them it was "babysitting" for short periods as a favour to you (e.g. so you could go to your class) rather than as taking any actual responsibility.

You are well out of this relationship, really.

thumbwitch · 08/06/2011 14:26

Not much to add to what has already been said - except that you might be better off getting this moved to Relationships. So far, it doesn't seem too bad - but AIBU attracts some mouthy types and it could get rough for you, which you don't currently need.

nancydrewfoundaclue · 08/06/2011 14:28

You are well rid. Really you are.

When you move in with someone as their partner, you make a commitment to makng that partnership work. He didn't want a partnership, he wanted a domestic servant. And a free one at that.

Looking after your child, what once in 18mths does not amount to commitment to a friendship let alone a family.

Original poster

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:38

Thanx I will try to stay strong and i'm sure when i pick my DCs up in an hr they will keep my busy and keep things in perspective. He'll probably turn up after work like nothings happened or for his stuff.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/06/2011 14:40

Well, let's stack up the issues.

He doesn't contribute to the bills.
He doesn't contribute towards food costs, or housing costs
He doesn't cook
He doesn't help with child care
He tells you that you need to lose weight
He has a drink problem
He moved in with you but is still keeping a foot in somewhere else.

IN return:

You have a period once a month.

It is not at all right for you to be rationalising his behaviour because you might get PMT!

He sounds like a dick.

Icelollycraving · 08/06/2011 14:41

I am pretty sure he will be back & somehow will get you to take responsibility for his actions. Please be strong enough to say no. Being alone is surely better than with this man.

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