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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP left me last night

91 replies

Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 13:24

Well I'm numb and shocked and totally totally lost, DD(2) is in nursery, DS(6) is at school and i'm wondering round the house unable to concentrate on anything. Bouncing between strong resolve that if he came crawling back tonight I'd tell him where to go and tearful tantrums of how much i ache for him.
No blazing row, no infidelity. He just expressed he was unhappy and wanted to move out. Referring to occassions like last sunday when i asked him to hoover (bearing in mind that he hadnt lifted a finger all wk cos he works fulltime and i only work part time). On reflection i did ask him to contribute to the household finances, as he works fulltime and i work part time and i pay all the bills as he has a house elsewhere that he moved out of to live with me and refuses to sell as its his house, and stated he couldnt contribute as he pay more petrol to commute to work (now further living with me) and has his own bills. I said i didnt expect a 50% contribution merely a small amount to help out since he isnt short. when it comes to downing a bottle of wine or vodka, 4 times a wk then the money is there. Anyways he left, last night. Packed his bags and went back to his house. And i'm lonely and sad and bereft and angry and tearful and lost. And dont know what to do, pls help :(

OP posts:
workedoutforthebest · 08/06/2011 13:42

Sending you hugs Flojo1979. How awful for you. I guess at this moment in time, it doesn't matter about the things he didn't do. Just try and get through today and concentrate on your two children, who need you more and ever at the moment. Things always do get easier, with a little bit of time.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 13:44

his share of the bills in his mind is that i'd have the heating on for myself n kids anyway so he dont need to contirbute to that and i'd be cooking a meal for me n kids so one extra mouth dont make much odds etc etc

OP posts:
HushedTones · 08/06/2011 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurrySpice · 08/06/2011 13:46

I know you must be upset but I will bet a pound to a pinch of snuff that if you read your OP again in a year's time you'll wonder WTF you were with him for.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 13:47

yes when i'm not at work i look after my 2 yr old and housework and cook his tea for when he comes home and makes his butties for lunch and irons his clothes, since i'm ironing everyones, i'm not petty enough to leave him out but every so often i ask him to do something, like hoover once a wk and put bins out.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 13:47

his share of the bills in his mind is that i'd have the heating on for myself n kids anyway so he dont need to contirbute to that and i'd be cooking a meal for me n kids so one extra mouth dont make much odds

see that ^ is the signs of a selfish twat..... honestly my dear, you really are better off without a sponging arsewipe in your life... he wont look after you, he wants looking after... if he comes creeping back, send him to his mother...

MadamMemoo · 08/06/2011 13:48

Is this the guy who called you a bitch and told you to shut your mouth when you were ill and wanting a bit of help with the kids?

MadameOvary · 08/06/2011 13:50

Flojo, that is a shitawful attitude. A man who cant consider anyone but himself is not capable of being a partner on equal terms. He's no doubt worn you down with his entitled bullshit, but you'll recover. Wait till you see what a weight off your shoulders it is when you start to get your personality back.

He's done you a favour.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/06/2011 13:50

'one extra mouth dont make much odds'

Yes it bleddy does, especially where money is tight. Nasty, selfish, using cocklodger.

I'm sure you feel awful at the moment but as others have said you'll look back on this fuckhead and thank your stars you wasted no more time on him Angry

Glitterknickaz · 08/06/2011 13:50

You're well rid of that pathetic cocklodger.

BrainSurgeon · 08/06/2011 13:50

OP, admit it to yourself, you'll be better off without him - that might help ease the pain

You poor soul (())

Inertia · 08/06/2011 13:51

Flojo, I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time.

Don't worry about getting stuff done, just concentrate on your children.

Do you need to secure the house? Are finances separate? Could he have access to your accounts that you need to block ?

Fwiw it sounds as though he didn't deserve you.

MadameOvary · 08/06/2011 13:52

What's the betting that his Mum treated him like her little prince and he didn't have to lift a finger at home? Or his dad was the same sort of misogynistic arsehole?

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 13:52

My DD is 2.5 and been with him 1.5 yrs. He did the hoovering without complaint but clearly stored it up to use against me. Its not a wind up, i dont know why he left, i thought he loved me and my DCs. I havent really anyone to talk to, I tried all morning to keep busy and now i'm at breaking point hence thread.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2011 13:52

He was not your DP, in any shape or form that qualifies for the term.

Sorry to be so harsh, because to have considered him as such, your self-esteem must be through the floor - you say you've been left before, I'm guessing that has not helped. Seriously, you have had a very lucky escape.

He contributed to your family neither financially nor practically. Emotionally - well, his contribution has left you feeling as you do now. This was the type of relationship that people mean when they say that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all. I suspect you might struggle with that idea? Not having a go at you, just trying to make you see that you are worth far too more than this man deserves. (And I use the term 'man' in the loosest possible sense of the word.)

CinnabarRed · 08/06/2011 13:52

his share of the bills in his mind is that i'd have the heating on for myself n kids anyway so he dont need to contirbute to that and i'd be cooking a meal for me n kids so one extra mouth dont make much odds

Or, alternatively, if he were living in his own house he'd have to heat it. And have to shop and cook his own food. So why shouldn't he contribute if he lives at yours.

Pick youself up, dust yourself off, and start learning to love yourself.

madonnawhore · 08/06/2011 13:53

Congratulations on the first day of the rest of your life without this wanker in it.

Obviously I don't like to think that you're upset but I'm struggling to see what the downside of this situation is.

Honeybee79 · 08/06/2011 13:53

Sorry you're going through this but he sounds like a total twat - what's all this business about not wanting to help with the housework and contribute financially? No, from what you've said he's behaved very badly towards you.

It will be tough adjusting to life without him (how long have you been together?) but it sounds like you'll be better off single overall.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 08/06/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 08/06/2011 13:55

Flojo, if you continued paying his way for him, and doing all the housewok, you would basically be paying to have a partner. Paying him to stay with you.

An incredibly undignified position to be in.

He has been exploiting you, and is lazy, with no decency.

Not surprised you are grieving - it's v hard to lose a relationship, but you were right in exepcting him to contribute, financially and to domestic jobs.

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 13:57

Aw Flojo, I know its shit, and at the moment you are hurting, but honestly, this is a blessing in disguise, even if it doesnt seem like it right now.

He wasnt a keeper, and he would eventually have bled you dry, materially and emotionally.

Ask yourself what you would advise to anyone else whose partner was behaving the same way, and your head will tell you that you dont need this man in your life, and that somewhere out there is a special person who WILL want to share your life properly, and not expect you to do it all.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 08/06/2011 13:57

i thought he loved me

what made you think that?

Insomnia11 · 08/06/2011 14:00

Cocklodger - what a brilliant word!

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 08/06/2011 14:00

Blimey i didnt expect such a unanimous response that I shouldnt even try to change his mind and work it out. I know hes not the easiest guy in the world and often has tantrums over nothing but I'm not easy to live with at times, especially for one wk of every month! I guess its time to grow a back bone and face facts that this relationship has failed and i need to toughen up.

OP posts:
kaid100 · 08/06/2011 14:01

YANBU to feel sad at all. I think that in the long run, you'll see the end of this relationship as a good thing since he clearly had no intention to contribute and was a good example of a cocklodger. I would suggest not letting him talk his way back into your house.