AIBU to ask a sensible Q?

[troisgarcons]

I always said I would never canvas opinons on the internet BUT this is bugging me.

This is backing onto a convo at work: SAHP want to be recognised as a valid and important role; the 'H' indicates 'homemaker', so if you are SAHP would you think it reasonable (on work days) for your partner to do chores? (excluding bathtime and stories) if so, would you as a SAHP be prepared to go into you partners office (with children in tow) and do a couple of hours filing ?

I think we must be married to identical twins, Writer! but also
I used to manage my own household etc. but since we moved over here, I have mostly left it to DH as he is the sole earner and most of the bills etc. are in his name; I'm quite capable (and still have to do it for my own house in the UK which is rented out) but really don't need to do it here.

Absolutely Hully.

I do all the housework as DH works very long hours and is knackered at the end of the day (he usually works from seven am until around nine in the evening).

I am also super-organised at it, think it is good for the children to tidy up behind themselves (even my two year old can scrape his plate and pop in the dishwasher) and really enjoy being at home with the children so count it as leisure time. And have the number for a lovely cleaning firm who come in and give the house a spring clean when I can't be bothered

I had the house clean (except for the hoovering which I will do after I have walked the dog) by the time I took the children to school and nursery this morning and have spent three hours on Mumsnet on myself. Plus the children will be in bed by eight so I'll have a cup of decaf in one hand and a bar of Cadbury's in the other long before the Apprentice starts

DH certainly won't get three hours to himself. So sharing the housework wouldn't work for us.

Also I have to admit that DH has been bugging me to do a financial-related thing (in my name so he can't do it) for..oh...about 3 weeks and I still haven't done it. He never ever loses patience with me, whereas if the roles were reversed I'd have had a strop, a sulk and a scream at this point

Surely the key is what cat64 said right near the start of the thread.

Both partners should have equal free/personal time. If one of you has more free/personal time than the other, something is wrong. (Free/personal time includes sleep).

Of course, it may be that the SAHP has some of their free or personal time during the day, while the DC are at nursery or asleep. That may mean that the SAHP still "owes" some working time during the evening, while the WOHP has done a solid day's work with no breaks and therefore gets to put their feet up in the evening.

Or it may be that the WOHP gets a lovely hour's lunch break every day while the SAHP is run ragged with 3 under 3yos. In that case the WOHP "owes" an hour's chores when they get home, while the SAHP puts their feet up.

I know it's difficult to do things this scientifically in real life, and of course it depends on trusting your partner as regards the amount they say they're doing. But this is in theory the way it should work.

Would want time off in lieu for the peaceful commutes there and back and lunch hour they get. Not to mention weekends off, holidays, night get-ups etc etc

Think life would get very silly if you went down this route which is why it's not done.

I am a sahp and my dp works. He has more free time than I do. I expect him to give me a break from being 100% responsible for my dd when he comes home from work, or else my job becomes a 24 hours a day one.

I don't think there's any 'should' about it. What works for one family may not work for another - if things are not working for you as they are, change them. It ain't rocket science.

I am a sahm. I don't get much chance for mumsnet housework in the day when ds1 is at school, because 19mo ds2 is very full on and requires pretty much constant attention to stop him trashing the house/himself (he's sleeping atm). I'm here first and foremost as his parent - THAT is why I don't go out to work.

I don't 'expect' dh to do stuff when he gets in of an evening, but neither does he 'expect' that everything in the house should be down to me.

I am a SAHM with 4 children,2 boys and 2 girls,aged 14mo,3,4 & 6. My oldest DD is SN and my youngest DS is being investigated for behavioural problems. My DH works 8.30-5 as a therapist,tho he leaves the house at 7-7.30ish and gets in 6-6.30. I have a very full on day with my DCs and hospital appts etc(which there are a lot of) and as a result the housework doesn't always get completely done. I do tend to keep on top of the kitchen and do some washing on my busy days and other days obviously I can do more. I do prefer to do the majority when the children are in bed as it's easier. However,my DH hates this. He thinks I should get it all done in the day so that when he comes in(to his tea on the table!) we can relax together. He refuses to do anything after work,including bed/bathtimes,nappies,reading stories etc. He moans if I haven't done much,either because we've been out all day to aforementioned hosp appts, or I've been feeling too low to do anything other than look after the children( I suffer from depression). I don't expect him to come in from work and start hoovering etc,but it would be nice sometimes if he would just come in and say "looks like you've had a hard day,I'll put the kids to bed" instead of berating me for being a lazy b!tch and moaning. He doesn't even put his clean clothes away,just moves them from the bed to the computer desk or floor so he can get into bed. At weekends he tends to go out on his motorbike or do things in the garden,while I'm left with the kids again(including his DD from a previous relationship). Am I overreacting or is this a bit wrong?

That's totally wrong mumofjay. It's bad enough that he doesn't help out, but the fact that he complains that you haven't done housework, especially seeing as you have 4 kids and depression, is totally mean and unnecessary.

mumofjay - totally wrong! Completely selfish arse you have there. Especially for moaning and bitching at you! You'd be better off on your own - at least then there'd be no expectation of help, and you'd have less to do because you wouldn't have his washing and clearing up to do either.

You are so not over-reacting. Go away for a few days - see how he copes. Actually, by the sound of it, one day would be enough for him to see how much you actually do do - and if he still bitches at you, dump him.

"What the actual fuck...."

Love that phrase. That is my new phrase of the week. And I agree.

Often my dp will come home from work and whizz round the house, without complaint and do all the tasks that are attempted but half finished, because despite my best efforts, I have been looking after a baby and may have had to spend most of the day feeding/rocking/seeing to her. In the same way, if he has her own is own for any reason I don't expect to come home to find he has done all the housework as well as look after her, as I realise she is a full-time job in herself.

YABVU. What the actual fuck?