AIBU to ask a sensible Q?

[troisgarcons]

I always said I would never canvas opinons on the internet BUT this is bugging me.

This is backing onto a convo at work: SAHP want to be recognised as a valid and important role; the 'H' indicates 'homemaker', so if you are SAHP would you think it reasonable (on work days) for your partner to do chores? (excluding bathtime and stories) if so, would you as a SAHP be prepared to go into you partners office (with children in tow) and do a couple of hours filing ?

I'm with those who come at it from the 'how much time do you have to relax in the evening?' angle. I'm at home with a toddler all day - she doesn't go to nursery unless I'm working. So while I would love to spend all the time at home getting chores done, in reality, I spend a lot of it being a mum - helping with jigsaws, setting up painting, cleaning paint off the kitchen floor after painting is finished, reading stories, going to the park, going swimming etc. While she is otherwise occupied, or if she sleeps (which she doesn't always) then I get some chores done but there are things I don't do unless I know I have an hour or so free - cleaning the oven for example - messy job I can't stop and start very easily. So there will be stuff that needs doing when my dh gets home or at the weekend. I don't see why he shouldn't then help as it's not as though I've been on my arse all day while he slaves. He got a lunch hour and 2 coffee breaks, for example - I rarely do. I don't expect him to do a vast amount, just make sure that when it comes to free time, he doesn't sit on the sofa all evening while I run around like an idiot meaning that he has loads of free time and I have none.

As someone who has done both, I think the working parent should chip in during the week.

Up until last year I spent all of my DCs' life working longer hours than DH (full time, 12+ hour days). At the mo I am a SAHM and on duty from 6am until midnight when I pass out. DH gets a lovely 2 hours on the train to read or play on his phone. Yes, he's in an office all day but he goes for a run at lunch or pops out and grabs himself some nice sushi etc, meanwhile I hardly get a chance to sit down. I am very grateful to have the opportunity to spend some quality time with my DCs, but it is just as hard as my previous high pressured job in the city! If DH rocked up in the evening and plonked himself on the sofa I think my head would explode. It's not an issue though, he voluntarily chips in.

i'm a sahm, with 2 under 3 so i do as much as i possibly can during the day, until DH gets home, then we both do whats needed. for example, DH will cook dinner while i tidy up toys/hoover/feed baby, we take turns doing bath time, but with 1 toddler and 1 baby, sometimes its both of us doing bathtime, then bedtime is solely dhs job as he loves it so much (he gets all the cuddles). We're not into the whole - oh but you work longer/harder/i bring in the money sort of conversations. We're a team and we work together to make sure everything is as we want it.

Then when both DC go to bed, we relax together, go to bed together. That being said, theres never anything really to be done when DH gets home, he usually just does cook tea, sometimes takes the bins/cat litter out and then plays with the dc till bedtime. Everything is and should be equal, since we're both parents, DH doesn't stop being a parent when he leaves the house, i dont stop being a parent when DH gets home, it just doesnt work that way

I would say every household is different, but generally just because the person with the paid job has finished at work, doesn't mean that they are exempt of all responsibility in the house.
Especially when it comes to bath/bedtime.
And emptying dishwasher/bins should be everyone's job.

Can I clarify that SAHP stands for "Stay at home parent" not "Stay at homemaker parent" which obviously makes no sense.

I think basically the way it should work is that both partners have a roughly equal amount of leisure time. Unfortunately "leisure time" includes sleeping when you're a parent, so if there's a child up in the night parents should take turns to go to them. Also, it is totally and utterly unacceptable for the WOHP to expect the SAHP to pick up after him/her. A grown adult should bring their own plates to the kitchen and either wash them or put them in the dishwasher, should wash, iron and fold their own laundry, clean their own skid marks off the toilet and scum off the bath, and generally tidy up after themselves, no matter how many hours they work. A SAHP is not a stay at home servant. It sickens me when I see adults behaving like teenagers and just leaving their stuff all over the place for their partner to pick up. If they did the same thing in the office - threw crisp packets on the floor, left printer paper spilling off their desk and threw their shoes in a corner - they would be reprimanded, yet they think it's fine to do that at home. Very disrespectful.

I am with the equal-amount-of-leisure-time brigade.

Being a SAHP is very different lifestyle to office working / commuting. I think it is reasonable for office working parent to get a period of relaxation after work. SAHP should include looking after household work and so office working parent should not be expected to do household chores on a working evening. I do not include evening meal prep / clearing in this.

Have you been a SAHP Amateurish? Just curious.

When the children were pre-school age and I was at home with them, they were my job, not the housework - I'd never have stayed at home to clean

Yes the majority of the housework was done by me, because I was physically in the house more, but looking after the children was why I wasn't working elsewhere, housework is still the responsibility of everyone who lives in the house.

Writer yes I have, although not by choice.

Currently I work part time so get a bit of both.

Being at home and looking after kids I see as a choice and a luxury, albeit it hard work. Being in the office I see as an obligation and a necessity. If I didn't need to earn, I certainly would not do it.

The two roles are not the same.

DH takes no part in evening childcare activities, apart from playing with DS and occasionally remembering to keep him out of the kitchen when it's my turn to cook. So I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect him to do half the cooking and washing up. He does nothing else in terms of housework in the house - he does bins and lawn-mowing and most of the DIY (a rarity). He also works out of his home-office, so sometimes he doesn't even go anywhere in the day. I think he gets away with too much but doubtless the keep-'em-barefoot-and-chained-to-the-sink brigade think it's fine.

I agree they're not the same. I'm a SAHP at the mo but I used to be a primary teacher. In many ways teaching, though tiring and stressful is easier because you have a structured day with definite breaks. That said I love being a SAHP and like you I see it as an enormous privilege. However unless DH becomes incapacitated in some way I will never pick up after him and I will always expect him to chip in around the house.

Thumbwitch do you do your DH's laundry?

Yep - why? I do it because I need to make the loads work - if he does his own, it clogs up the washing machine at inconvenient times and he washes everything together rather than separating stuff properly. It is in my own interest to keep control of the laundry.

I don't pick his dirty clothes up though - he has to do that, and put them in the laundry basket, or they don't get done.

I was just thinking it might be something you could get him to do. But if it's more hassle then it's not worth it. Have you talked to him about doing more?

One relative of mine works stupidly long hours, including a lot of long-haul travel. He still does things at home-breakfast for kids, school run when possible, holding fort when partner is out, albeit that she runs the house mostly. He wants to. They are his children too and it's his home as well. The idea of saying 'Sorry, I've done my bit today, I'm not helping' would rightly not occur to him.

I work full-time, DH is at home. Unless I'm having to put in very long hours, we share house chores at evenings and weekends. Frankly, how on earth do you get time to talk to each other in the week otherwise? Again, it's my home too, and my child too.

oh yes, but he has the same attitude as the op and a few others on here - he works all day, "all" I do is look after DS. Even though DS isn't really that much hassle, it still involves non-stop vigilance, non-stop awareness and prevents me from doing some stuff because DS either wants attention or wants to "help". In the end, I don't do as much housework as I probably should because it is all down to me - but I've never been a perfectionist in that area anyway.

It depends a lot on the ages/temperment of your children. If you have a baby and toddler to look after all day, getting more than a basic amount of housework done is probably impossible and your partner should help out in the evening. If your children are all school age, then expecting your partner to help out seems unreasonable.

When I was SAHM and DH worked full time, I would rather he spent time with the children in the evenings, rather than doing housework.

I have been a SAHM but mysteriously I didn't find it took 24 hours a day. I had two children and put them both down for a nap around 1ish and they slept til 3. I used to also have a nap, or read a book or do something else. If you have a very clingy child, or more than two, or a SN child, I can see how it is very demanding, but in all honesty, I didn't find walking to the shops with the childrem, watching a bit of CBeebies, doing a modest amount of housework and cooking the tea to be excessively difficult. It wasn't as tiring as commuting for over an hour both ways, and working in a very challenging job, then getting home and doing the bedtime routine, then doing the housework because you are on your own.

I think expecting someone to come in from a 12 hour working out of the home day, then do a good extra couple of hours is unreasonable. I do personally do it myself at present as I have no choice, but if there was someone at home all day and I came home and the dishwasher hadn't been emptied and the bins not put out, I would wonder what they had been doing. That's why I hated my husband being a SAHD, all he did was the childcare and the house looked trashed, whereas if I stayed home, the housework and the childcare all got done, bar the odd thing to do in the evening.

teh working partner also shits in teh toilet so yes, cleaning it isn't above and beyond teh call of duty. if you wear clothes and want them ironed, either iron tehm or send them to someone to be ironed.

a SAHP is a parent not a fecking housekeeper.

my way of looking at it is, if you cut out the work teh chidlren create tehn everything that is left should be shared bewteen the two parents equally. so cleaning teh loo would still need to be done. hoovering, mopping, hanging a wash. now, teh presence of DCs means that all these tasks will need doing more often so i dont think it UR that teh SAHP does them IF POSSIBLE during the day, but nor do i think teh WOHP should expect not to have to do it.

things like knocking up a shelf, gardening, DIY etc would all need to be done even if dcs werent there so these taskes should be shared where skills allow.

Ugh that attitude really pisses me off thumbwitch. Has he ever had to look after your DS on his own?

In my case, DS is still 3.6 so not at school or pre-school. I have already been "told" that when he goes to school I should be finding a paid job - so there you go.

"Told"??

Writer, not really, no - and if he did, he'd call his mum round to help. He used to fantasise about being a SAHD but in reality he couldn't hack it on his own.

Thought as much thumbwitch. DH sort of had the same attitude as your DH, although he never really said it out loud (I'm far too scary!!) but he totally changed his mind when he had an entire day with our DS on his own. He got a tiny tiny bit of housework done (small amount of washing up) and admitted that he struggled to do that. He is now much more conscious of trying to get jobs done either in the evening or at the weekend so I don't have to do them although he still "forgets" more often than I'd like.