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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my MIL and FIL look after our son again?

97 replies

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:17

My wife gave birth to our son - he is almost 8 months old. She has gone back to work for a period of 2 days a week for 4 weeks only in a contract.
I, along with my Mum, and now her Mum and Dad, have been covering the 2 days per week that she is working for, from 10-5.30pm.

We have started a new routine during the day with our son has responded really well too, he has been sleeping loads more and is not overtired during the day, and has generally been a lot happier.
My wife left strict written instructions for her Mum re. the new routine, exactly what time to feed him, put him to bed for a nap etc.
She totally disregarded the bed times, got him overtired and herself worked up, and then was calling me at my work, on and off for over 1 1/2 hours (I had to apologise to my boss!), and basically my son missed 2 nap times and was in a right state by the time I got home.

I asked her many times over the phone to put him down in the cot, and if that wasn't working to take him out for a long walk. My wife is generally not meant to take any personal calls at work but she also got dragged into the situation and was saying the same as me.
My MIL refused to put him down after agreeing to it and then refused to take him out, again after agreeing to it, he slept for less than an hour and projectile vomited later (who knows why but I suspect he was overtired still).

We are so cross that she did not follow the instructions, both written and then on the phone, she talked over us on the phone and then told us that evening that she 'doesn't do routine' WTF! My wife said 'with X (our son) you do!'
We have both said to each other - not yet to her - that we don't want her and my FIL to look after him again but I am not sure if we are being too harsh? My FIL said he was calm and detatched whist my MIL was 'clearly in a state' - his words - so I asked him why he didn't help his wife and be more proactive - he got v defensive but she agreed that would have helped her.

They were meant to be looking after him again today so I sent my sis round for the day (she is on mat leave so took her daughter) but I am annoyed that we needed to do this, we trusted them and I feel like they let my son down.

AIBU? They are really good at playing with him but my MIL gets so flustered with even simple things like getting him in and out of his high chair or pram so we are reluctant to ever let them take sole charge again - which makes us feel really sad.

OP posts:
honeybehappy · 07/06/2011 16:23

I see your point i really do but if you want childcare then pay someone who is qualified and not related to you.

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 16:23

Unusually for me... I would say no, you are not being unreasonable, because the MIL really sounds like she cant cope.

If she cant manage a non-mobile baby, then how on earth will she cope in the very near future with a crawling then toddling child.

Sirzy · 07/06/2011 16:23

If you don't trust them don't leave them there.

However, I think when other people are looking after him there needs to be a degree of flexibility with routines. Life doesn't always fit to a routine and other people may not want to/be able to fit what you expect exactly.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 07/06/2011 16:23

gawd blimey

talk about making a drama out of a crisis

how hard is it to look after a kid for a couple of hours a day without all this fiasco LOL

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:24

honey be happy we are just covering 4 weeks - this is the 3rd week - after that he will be with his Mummies and the nursery once a week just like before. My wife just needed to cover the 4 weeks that she would be working.

OP posts:
Reality · 07/06/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:25

Sizry I don't mind a BIT of flexibility to the routine. But she chucked it out the window and then made a big fuss about how stressed she got. We siad she would not have been stressed if she followed the routine more!

OP posts:
Yekke · 07/06/2011 16:26

You want someone to care fot your child according to your strict written instructions then you pay someone to do a job of work. If you want free childcare then it's perfectly reasonable, health and safety notwithstanding, that it should be on their terms.

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 16:27

I agree with honeybehappy, if you want your childcare to follow to the exact letter (a list of written instruction FGS Confused [shocked] ) then pay for a childminder/nursery etc to look after your DS.

You are getting free childcare and although it sounds like your MIL was flustered, I am sure a few more days and she will have a routine of her own while minding your DS.

I personally am not a routine person so as long as my DD's are happy, fed and not in danger then I couldn't care less what my parents or my PIL's do with them, I am just bloody grateful to have someone look after my DD's for what ever reason I need that support.

LindyHemming · 07/06/2011 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:28

Reality she was meant to do 2 days from the 8 total - she did the 1 and then I called my sis for reinforcements - have spoken to my sis who has been in charge of nap times and all is going well today.

My wife said she doesn't remember having much routine when younger and she said she had a chaotic household!

I am all for parenting as you see fit but not when it is not your child!

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 07/06/2011 16:28

If he is only 8 months old I would be very wary of saying they can never have him again .

Do you think maybe he was actually a bit under the weather and feeling rough which is why he wouldn't settle in the usual ways ? Which is why he vomited later on ?

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 16:29

Your "routine" insistence sounds rather regimented. At 8 months a child is very aware of his surroundings, new people etc, and will not be likely to comply with this regime when he is with his grandparents, but if the lady is ringing you in a panic like this, then she isnt able to deal well with the situation.

cantspel · 07/06/2011 16:29

maybe it is the bit where the wife left

My wife left strict written instructions for her Mum re. the new routine, exactly what time to feed him, put him to bed for a nap etc.

that got the in laws flustered. You acted like you didn't trust them and so they paniced over every little thing.
They managed to bring up your wife without any undue harm coming to her and you didn't say they are now to old and infirm to cope with a baby so why dont you trust them now.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:29

2littlegreenmonkeys - the list was written by my wife for her Mum as she said she wanted it - she did not think she would remember everything - as it happens she did not bother reading it anyway so what is the point!
Plus my son is on a new routine as far as naptime so it was just what time to put him down etc. My MIL can be flaky hence the list! It didn't work!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 16:30

My wife said she doesn't remember having much routine when younger and she said she had a chaotic household

Errrr, I somehow doubt she can remember back to being 8 months old!!

backwardpossom · 07/06/2011 16:30

I can kind of see both sides here. I wouldn't ignore a set of instructions were I looking after a friend's baby. However I also wouldn't dream of leaving a list of instructions with my mother on how to look after DS. They managed to get my brother and I into adulthood successfully...

Tough call. If it's only for 4 weeks, surely you can put up with it?

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:31

cantspel they are not too old - I did trust her and then she called me in a massive panic. I stayed calm on the phone to her and vented to my friend at work!
Yes she brought up 3 children which is why I can't see why she struggled with 1 so much - she does see him fairly regulary too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:32

squeakytoy obv not at 8 months!
backwardpossum today is their last day - it is me and my Mum next week. My Mum does as we request, even if she wouldn't have done it like that herself with us.

OP posts:
backwardpossom · 07/06/2011 16:33

So what's the problem then? Confused

BranchingOut · 07/06/2011 16:33

I don't think it is totally unreasonable to leave written instructions as people do need to have an idea of what should be happening when. Might as well have it on a piece of paper as a long conversation.

LindyHemming · 07/06/2011 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:33

travellingwilbury - I don't know why he vomited - he make not have liked his dinner!
He is certainly not ill though, he is fine apart from the tiredness!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:35

Euphemia - not we were not but we have tried so hard and it just feels like she peed all over what we have tried to do, and went for a 'Granny knows best' approach.

OP posts:
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 16:35

peach I see your point, I really do, but leaving strict written instructions for your MIL your DW's mum is way OTT imho. Especially as your DS is only 8mo.

Each parent to their own when it comes to their DC but if you want free childcare then you need to have leeway WRT routines. Most DC (well my DD's did) chop and change routines as they get older anyway, if you and your DW are so inflexible now, you may find it difficult later on.