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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my MIL and FIL look after our son again?

97 replies

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:17

My wife gave birth to our son - he is almost 8 months old. She has gone back to work for a period of 2 days a week for 4 weeks only in a contract.
I, along with my Mum, and now her Mum and Dad, have been covering the 2 days per week that she is working for, from 10-5.30pm.

We have started a new routine during the day with our son has responded really well too, he has been sleeping loads more and is not overtired during the day, and has generally been a lot happier.
My wife left strict written instructions for her Mum re. the new routine, exactly what time to feed him, put him to bed for a nap etc.
She totally disregarded the bed times, got him overtired and herself worked up, and then was calling me at my work, on and off for over 1 1/2 hours (I had to apologise to my boss!), and basically my son missed 2 nap times and was in a right state by the time I got home.

I asked her many times over the phone to put him down in the cot, and if that wasn't working to take him out for a long walk. My wife is generally not meant to take any personal calls at work but she also got dragged into the situation and was saying the same as me.
My MIL refused to put him down after agreeing to it and then refused to take him out, again after agreeing to it, he slept for less than an hour and projectile vomited later (who knows why but I suspect he was overtired still).

We are so cross that she did not follow the instructions, both written and then on the phone, she talked over us on the phone and then told us that evening that she 'doesn't do routine' WTF! My wife said 'with X (our son) you do!'
We have both said to each other - not yet to her - that we don't want her and my FIL to look after him again but I am not sure if we are being too harsh? My FIL said he was calm and detatched whist my MIL was 'clearly in a state' - his words - so I asked him why he didn't help his wife and be more proactive - he got v defensive but she agreed that would have helped her.

They were meant to be looking after him again today so I sent my sis round for the day (she is on mat leave so took her daughter) but I am annoyed that we needed to do this, we trusted them and I feel like they let my son down.

AIBU? They are really good at playing with him but my MIL gets so flustered with even simple things like getting him in and out of his high chair or pram so we are reluctant to ever let them take sole charge again - which makes us feel really sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:56

Monkeys we did that and he was just getting more and more overtired so that was when we put in a bit of a routine. He is now so much happier and the routine is so new that we were worried he would revert back.

I am baby-led as much as poss but he didn't know when he was tired - neither did we - but now we do - but he is still learning!

I do love my MIL and FIL - how I wish he had helped her!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:57

Cinnabar - thanks - was only 1 day though!!!
I don't think I could have gone weeks! They are staying with us though so there is no-where to hide - small flat too!

OP posts:
Tryharder · 07/06/2011 16:58

Agree with greenmonkeys - my children have never had set naptimes and were not miserable or overtired. I would hate to look after a child with a strict routine. Give your MIL some slack. If you want a regime, pay a nursery.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:59

RitaMorgan - thanks - yes you have hit the nail on the head.
If he had not slept and I had come home and heard about it - I would have been annoyed but not half as annoyed as being constantly on the phone with my boss next to me hearing it all!

Also if she didn't want to follow the instrctutions why did she ask for them?

Molly - Yes we are being dramatic but our family is full of drama queens - including my son!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 17:01

Tryharder - It was only for 2 days! which turned out to be 1!
He goes to nursery 1 day a week.

That is fine that your children have never been overtired - mine has and we wanted to avoid that.

OP posts:
2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 17:01

From what you say it does certainly sound like your DS needs routine (ignore me I am just anti-routine Grin)

All I am saying (as are a lot of other posters on here) is not to never use your PIL's again for childcare, how sad would that be for all involved.

It was one time on her own with your DS, your MIL may be one of those people who deal better with older children so may get better with childcare the older your DS gets. I just think saying no to them ever having your DS alone again is way OTT in these circumstances.
I do not say this lightly as my DH's step dad is never and will never be left alone with my DD's cos he is useless and would put them in danger, so they only go when MIL is there.

I really hope you work something out as some of my best memories are when I got my GP's all to myself.

Good Luck.

RitaMorgan · 07/06/2011 17:03

When my ds stayed with my mum for a weekend I wrote down his typical routine so she'd know when he was likely to be hungry/tired. It's easy to say "just put him to bed when he's tired" but harder in practice - my ds looks tired after about 2.5 hours awake but only ever sleeps after 3, so if she put him to bed when he started yawning he'd be in his cot crying for half an hour, and if she put him down too late he gets too tired to sleep!

Having an idea of the child's routine makes things easier for the baby and the carer, so I don't think there was anything wrong with writing it down!

PorkChopSter · 07/06/2011 17:04

I think Maryz has it.

My parents did this to me when DC1 had chickenpox. Insisted on coming over, and having a written list of instructions/timings. Then disregarding it and bothering me at work when it all went pear-shaped. I gave them one more chance (out of desperation) with DC2, again had to leave work early to collect her as she "wouldn't sleep" No, she wasn't ever going to go to sleep lying on a small cushion on the living room floor, with the telly on and the curtains open, whilst they walked in and out Hmm but did in two seconds when put in the pushchair with her cuddly.... like it said in the instructions they wanted.

I'd just accept they are not sole-care of a small baby type grandparents, yet, and sort childcare accordingly.

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 17:04

Monkeys he LOVES routine - my neice is not so bothered! That is fine too!

We will try a couple of hours when he is older and when everyone inc my MIL has calmed down.

OP posts:
slovenlydotcom · 07/06/2011 17:05

Bloody hell- not surprised she panicked with such a list. I really think you need to chill. Babies have good and bad days whether there is a routine or not.

It is very harsh to limit their relationship on the basis of one bad day.
If you hadn't provided the rules then she may have dealt with him and not phoned you. Are you seriously telling a GP when they can go for a walk?

Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 17:05

Porkchopstez - good to know that it isn't just me!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 17:06

dotcom - they asked for a list - we gave them it!!!
Sis said they have been flapping all day!

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 07/06/2011 17:07

A routine doesn't have to be something imposed on a child - a lot of children like having predictable days where their needs are met promptly and consistently.

Ormirian · 07/06/2011 17:09

Written instructions? Is he a household gadget? Confused

She made a mistake. I'm betting if you hadn't made it seem like such a massive complicated task she wouldn't have got flustered and upset him. If you just leave her to do it her way it would all go so much more smoothly.

Lexilicious · 07/06/2011 17:10

and then was calling me at my work, on and off for over 1 1/2 hours (I had to apologise to my boss!)

So far today you've spent from presumably about 16.00 writing the OP until now answering every person who's commented. Is your boss ok with that? If you hadn't needed Mumsnet to decide if YABU, you could have gone home from work an hour early and relieved the MIL/Sis.

MenaZovut · 07/06/2011 17:17

Free childcare: I take what I can get! Bar dangerous situations. IF he comes back at 9pm full of sugar and wide awake, well...it was free.

Paid childcare: I expect high standards.

Personally I think the solution is to work together. This sounds like the first time she's had the baby. It would have been better for her to spend time your wife and the baby to observe and join in before being alone from the sounds of it. My parents slowly transitioned from visiting, to taking part, to nipping out with him, to short babysitting then to full days. They weren't confident at all and this helped them gain confidence and re-learn what to do (and realise I'm NOT fussy like many of their friend's children!). They do their own thing with him and have had the freedom to see what works for them.

Calm down and remember to THANK THEM for their help and the trouble they've taken for you, or they will be righly put out. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.

slovenlydotcom · 07/06/2011 17:17

Yes but they have only been allowed to have him after shadowing you and spending time to make sure they are up to it - no wonder she was on edge. Must have felt like an exam.

And no wonder she is flapping with YOUR sister looking over her shoulder

I feel very very sad for your PIL

maypole1 · 07/06/2011 17:21

i agree the problem with someone doing you a favour witch they are you have to expect they are going to do pretty much their own thing like most grand parents.

if on the other hand you want a servant type who will do you bidding you need to get your wallet out then you can be demanding.

favours are vary rarely FREE the price most people pay for allowing the parents or in laws look after the kids is never hearing the end of it or interference if the cost is to high then get a nanny but just remember no nanny will love your lo like their grandparents also nurserys will seldome meet your demands as they have their own rountine, when to feed, change ect.

as for leaving comands she managed to raise your wife fine so i would guess she knows what she is doing

diddl · 07/06/2011 17:54

It sounds as if she asked for instructions so that she could do it as you wanted, but baby didn´t comply & she got too wound up about the instructions tbh.

Also, he could have been under the weather by the sounds of things.

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 18:26

You cannot force a child to sleep. If your kid didnt want to sleep when he was with his grandparents, (which he probably didnt as it was something new to be looking around at and he didnt want to miss anything).. then he would have forced himself to stay awake.

8 months is the prime age for children starting to fight sleeps...

She probably panicked and phoned you because she was terrified of failing the demands on the list Wink.

I think you need to both relax, and just hand the baby over in future with a "he will probably be hungry in a couple of hours" and wave bye bye...

diddl · 07/06/2011 18:31

Would I be the only one who couldn´t do a list as I never really had a routine?

KurriKurri · 07/06/2011 18:33

I agree with diddl - she got flustered because she couldn't follow your instructions (maybe baby hadn't read your list Wink)

I think not letting her look after him again is a bit mean, - she stuffed up a bit, - have you got every single thing right since your baby was born?, if not then that hardly makes you unfit to look after your child. So maybe give your mum a break, - I imagine having your sister around is not helping her nervousness either.

activate · 07/06/2011 18:35

so, it couldn't possibly be that your child was coming down with a bug could it?

what with the vomiting and all that?

oh no, it's because a routine was messed up

I don't think your in-laws would want to babysit again to be honest - it sounds frightfully regimented and if you aren't a routine parent you won't get it

nice of them to offer to try though

you'll just have to take the next 4 weeks off won't you?

KurriKurri · 07/06/2011 18:35

no diddl - me too Grin - no doubt any future grandchildren will be kept well away from my hopelessness! (although weirdly despite lack of routine my kids have grown up to be lovely adults)

CurrySpice · 07/06/2011 20:10

I have to say I do know how infuriating how it can be when GPs don't do things as you would and it sounds to me like your MiL panicked a bit and I feel sorry for her TBH

However, you do sound rather...erm...rigid in your expectations and your tone here about you Dss routine makes it sound like a business meeting Shock

Give her another chance. You never know when you will need her experience and wisdom and help in the future Wink

Lighten up, relax a bit and lose a bit of the PFB up-you-own-arse attitude :o