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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my MIL and FIL look after our son again?

97 replies

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:17

My wife gave birth to our son - he is almost 8 months old. She has gone back to work for a period of 2 days a week for 4 weeks only in a contract.
I, along with my Mum, and now her Mum and Dad, have been covering the 2 days per week that she is working for, from 10-5.30pm.

We have started a new routine during the day with our son has responded really well too, he has been sleeping loads more and is not overtired during the day, and has generally been a lot happier.
My wife left strict written instructions for her Mum re. the new routine, exactly what time to feed him, put him to bed for a nap etc.
She totally disregarded the bed times, got him overtired and herself worked up, and then was calling me at my work, on and off for over 1 1/2 hours (I had to apologise to my boss!), and basically my son missed 2 nap times and was in a right state by the time I got home.

I asked her many times over the phone to put him down in the cot, and if that wasn't working to take him out for a long walk. My wife is generally not meant to take any personal calls at work but she also got dragged into the situation and was saying the same as me.
My MIL refused to put him down after agreeing to it and then refused to take him out, again after agreeing to it, he slept for less than an hour and projectile vomited later (who knows why but I suspect he was overtired still).

We are so cross that she did not follow the instructions, both written and then on the phone, she talked over us on the phone and then told us that evening that she 'doesn't do routine' WTF! My wife said 'with X (our son) you do!'
We have both said to each other - not yet to her - that we don't want her and my FIL to look after him again but I am not sure if we are being too harsh? My FIL said he was calm and detatched whist my MIL was 'clearly in a state' - his words - so I asked him why he didn't help his wife and be more proactive - he got v defensive but she agreed that would have helped her.

They were meant to be looking after him again today so I sent my sis round for the day (she is on mat leave so took her daughter) but I am annoyed that we needed to do this, we trusted them and I feel like they let my son down.

AIBU? They are really good at playing with him but my MIL gets so flustered with even simple things like getting him in and out of his high chair or pram so we are reluctant to ever let them take sole charge again - which makes us feel really sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:36

BranchingOut - thankyou, my MIL did request written instructions as she thought she would forget things and 'wanted to get it right'. Obv didn't happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:37

Mokeys I was not the one leaving instructions - my wife did - on her Mother's request.
We are flexible, but not to the point that our son is screaming from being overtired and his granny will not put him to bed.

OP posts:

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 16:38

Then I apologize I did not see in your OP that the written instructions were requested by your MIL.

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:39

backwardpossum - the prob is my PIL are still going on about it and my wife is still annoyed at her Mum!

OP posts:

mummybrained · 07/06/2011 16:40

it seems difficult to grasp at 8 months but you will have to get used to being overruled by grandparents (as a baby my dad used to wear ds on his head like a hat!) later they let kids stay up late and eat ridiculous things, there is just no controlling how a baby is cared for by your family (as long as they ARE cared for) and maybe very detailed instructions have the opposite effect. i think you should consider very carefully before cutting MIL out of childcare, you may rely on them in the future. The important thing is whether she can cope and wants to help, if she is really unable to cope that's a conversation worth having, perhaps if she spent some time with you in your home, she'd have a feel for baby's routine?

BranchingOut · 07/06/2011 16:40

The sort of instructions I would leave would be:

12.00 - lunch followed by nappy change
1.30 - milk then nap

Nothing too detailed, more of a 'the day will probably go like this'.

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:41

Monkeys - apologies they were not in the OP. My MIL is a very sweet woman and loves her GS - I know she was not trying to hurt him but she seemed flummoxed as to how to look after him for the day. We said fine, we can tell you. She wanted ti written down. Fine, we did so. She then proceeded to ignore that and then afterwards said 'I don't do routine!' Whay did she not say earlier? Wish he had gone to the nursery now!

OP posts:

backwardpossom · 07/06/2011 16:41

Well, IMO YA both BU! Get over it and move on

squeakytoy · 07/06/2011 16:42

Can I just ask, between the hours that she has him, what exactly is the "routine". Do you wake him to feed him? How many times do you try to make him sleep? It all sounds a bit full on to me.

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:42

Branching out - it was similar to that, also what to have for lunch as she was panicking about that!

We should have taken our cues from her panicking!

OP posts:

maxpower · 07/06/2011 16:44

YABU to not let them ever look after baby again - if I'm reading it right it was the first time they've had him for a day so MIL might have been anxious/excited and baby could well have picked up on that. as others have said, they managed to raise your DW & her siblings ok so it's not like it's too dangerous to leave your son with them. you say your MIL is 'going on about it' - in what way? have you or DW asked her how she feels about the day? or asked her what you could do to help another day go more smoothly?

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:44

squeakytoy - it is just - put down for a sleep no more than 1 hour after eating - stuff like that. Take out for a walk later on, etc.
She seems to have forgotten from when she was parenting, so asked for written instructions.

It is not a 'full-on' rountine - it is ensuring he is getting enough sleep which he didn't seem to be before.

OP posts:

Pinkjenny · 07/06/2011 16:45

Agree with 2littlegreenmonkeys and mummybrained.

You do sound a bit like a control freak, tbh, although I can see your point. A bit.

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:45

maxpower - yes we have I thought it was sorted and then she called me to talk about how she feels - she is one for talking about feelings a lot!

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:46

Pinkjenny - not a control freak just trying not to have a son who is literally wailing from being up for over 6 hours with no nap.

OP posts:

Maryz · 07/06/2011 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RitaMorgan · 07/06/2011 16:47

It's not the routine that seems to be the problem, but the fluster and panic and phoning repeatedly.

If the MIL had done her own thing but everything was fine, it may have been irritating but not cause for concern.

Sounds like she can't cope.

MollyMurphy · 07/06/2011 16:47

I agree perhaps for long periods of time she shouldn't watch him as it seems like she can't cope or respect your wishes. However I wouldn't have a big conversation about them never being alone with him again - that is just dramatic. I would say if they babysit have it just be for an hour or two here and there when you guys need a break or something - and line it up so they arrive just after his nap for example. Also remember as your child gets older he will be able to handle more flexibility in routine too. Don't make a big family drama out of it. Just find someone else to cover those days she works or pay a daycare for those times.

Pinkjenny · 07/06/2011 16:47

And I do understand that. My mum looks after my dc two days a week and is definitely good cop. I come home and am immediately bad cop. It's tough, but ime, my mum will do whatever she needs to in order to get them through the day.

Was your MIL stressed by the timetable, perhaps?

It doesn't sound like it'll be an issue from now on anyway.

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 16:47

peach it can be difficult for anyone who has not had sole care of a young child for a long time.

Please do not rule out your MIL as childcare, please do not deprive you DS from having time alone with his GP's (maybe not now, but later). Your DS was cared for in a round about way, he was probably just excited at having different surroundings without his mum and dad. When it's all new to them (esp at 8mo) they will not sleep for fear of missing something. My DD1 still does that now and she is 3.5yo.

How about asking your MIL if she can have DS for a couple of hours while you and your DW are not at work so any problems then you can be on hand. Your MIL needs to find her way. As long as your DS is fed, changed, happy and not in danger then there is no problem.

FWIW I used to worry so much about my mum having my DD's as my DD's are hard work (for me anyway ) but they both stayed together (for the first time) at my parents house on Friday night. mum and dad let them stay up, fed them clats, and generally did as they pleased and the girls are fine. I worried, but then I am a born worrier.

I hope you and your DW can find a happy medium with your PIL's.

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:49

mummybrained she has spent loads of time with us, they stay with us overnight for days at a time and my son loves her. She has shadowed my wife and we have spent a lot of time with her and my FIL to make sure that they felt comfortable with our son and with looking after him. We were fine with it until yesterday.

His routine was based around him, when he likes to sleep etc, MIL could not remember times so asked for them to be written down.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:52

Monkets he has 2 mums, he does have a dad but he is not a fulltime dad - he is a donor dad!
We really want them to foster a good relationship with him, and spend time with him. My son was in his usual environment, his house, and he goes to nursery once a week and does great there. I do not want to favour my Mum over my MIL but it is frustrating when someone assures you they will copy what you do, because that is how they feel most comfortable, and then go against it.

Is it so wrong for someone to follow the basic stuff you have in place for your child?

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachMelba78 · 07/06/2011 16:53

Monkey he was not happy and neither was my MIL that is why I have the problem! If he was happy then fine! As she was not happy either then it is cause for concern in my book.

OP posts:

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/06/2011 16:53

I must admit though I cant ever remember having timed naps for either of my DD's at 8mo, they slept when they wanted, they ate what we ate, when we ate and just generally muddled along with DH and I. But then I am of the 'lazy' parenting front so maybe that was just me

CinnabarRed · 07/06/2011 16:56

Have just seen the photo on your profile page - your DS is adorable!

(Nothing constructive to add - just thought you'd like to hear it after a tough few weeks.)

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