To think a friend should not spend half her family savings on bariatric (obesity) surgery

[pingu2209]

My friend is very overweight (as am I) and she has spent the last ten to fifteen years losing and gaining the same 5 stone on a variety of diets. Each time she loses the weight she puts it all back on plus extra. I would now say she is at least 8 stone overweight.

Today she told me that she has decided that she no longer believes she can keep weight off that she loses on a diet so she has booked to have a gastric bypass privately. Apparently her GP surgery were unable to help.

She came to me as a friend and as her friend I don't want to judge her as it is her decision. She said that her BMI was 45 and as she has 2 young children she is concerned for her health. All of that I fully understand, but she is spending half of the family savings paying for it and her husband's job is very insecure.

Am I unreasonable in my concerns? Perhaps I am just green with envy as I will watch her lose weight and still be very overweight myself!

of course being more than about 4 stone overweight (often less i expect) is the result of some sort of mental health problem. its far too simplistic to just say 'lazy! greedy!'.

i agree with Cherry, the problem is not that diets dont work for life, the problem is if you stop dieting and start eating like you used to, you just pile on weight like you did in the first place. i did this last year, lost 2 stone and then put 2.5 back on. which is infuriating btw. but this year my head is much better, and i know i wont do it again. my worry with your friend's history is that this won't cure her. people can and do over eat and put back on the weight after surgery.

I totally agree with Cherrydrops.

You (and your friend) have to decide what is more important - eating what you want or being slim. You can't eat what you want and be slim, That's life. It might to be fair or right but that's the way it is.

I would really like a big ciabatta roll for lunch, with butter and cheese and cold meat and maybe a few crisps on the side. But I'm not, I'm having a bowl of soup and some salad.

Completely agree with cherry and thursday that to stay slim you have to eat healthily pretty much always. Then any slips over Christmas or holidays can be easily rectified.

BUT and the big but is, they are ADDICTED to fatty, sugary, carb laden food. Addiction or an eating disorder or a mental health issue - whatever it is called, they are addicted to unhealthy food - and lots of it.

If an alcoholic or drug addict decides to break their addiction they can NEVER have a drink or take drugs again. However, it is impossible to NEVER EAT again. You have to eat to live.

Okay a person can say 'no' for the rest of their lives to all unhealthy food that triggers them to 'fall off the healthy eating waggon'. However, that is far harder than alcohol or drugs.

A drug addict is not offered drugs on a regular basis in normal life. There are not adverts everywhere telling him "try this, you'll love it". An alcoholic can stop going to pubs/clubs etc where drink is prevelant.

There are adverts for junk food everywhere. Go shopping and the unhealthy food is displayed next to healthy food. For example, you often get the ready made curry or pasta dishes next to the healthy dishes.

You go out for a meal and the deserts or unhealthy options are promoted as much as the low fat/carb ones.

It isn't a question of 'just eat a little bit then'. Seriously overweight people are Addicted. You wouldn't offer a recovering alcoholic 'just a small sip', no more than you would a person who has given up smoking 'just 1/2 a cigarette'.

That is why when I say an event such as Christmas or holidays etc means you can't get back to the 'diet'. It is because an event where high sugar and fat 'treats' should be short term, actually send someone addicted to food on a massive bender, that can last years!

Just as an alcoholic would not have a 'glass of wine' to be sociable at Christmas. A food addict can't really just have 'one chocolate, or mince pie, or small roast potatoe' etc However, an alcoholic can say no, give me some OJ. A food addict has to say no over and over. That is why there is such a terrible obesity epidemic.

Very best of luck to you and your friend OP. Stick with her, eat with her (within reason, once the most extreme phase of the post op diet has passed), exercise with her.
She will need all the support she can get, and you'll be doing yourself a lot of good as well.

i completely agree Pingu. it's a lifelong battle. and it's very easy to give in and think i can't fight this, i'm always going to be fat i may as well enjoy it BUT it's not true. you can beat it. but you have to beat it every day, a few times a day. and that's hard, hence my spectacular wagon plummet last year. i feel like i've found my path now, and will get there and stay there. i dont feel defeatist about it anymore. i keep in mind one of those motivational cliches i read recently. losing weight is hard, being overweight it hard. choose your hard.

I LOVE that saying. I will remember it and tell my friend when she is feeling crap because she can't eat much at all.

Losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.

Did anyone see "Embarrassing Fat Bodies" on telly last night?(Sorry - I know I need to get out more!!) A woman lost loads of weight, only to be covered in loads of loose skin which then had to be removed (privately, I think). Bariatric surgery seems to be sold as the "quick fix" solution, but it is not, as people who have it apprently can never eat - or enjoy - a proper meal again.

Your friend can obviously lose weight, but needs to keep it off too. If I had a friend in this position, I'd be more concerned about the implications of major surgery, and I'd try to talk her out of it.

Can I just say that bariatric surgery is NOT sold as a quick fix. Nowhere does anyone who has had it done say how quick and easy it is. It isn't.

OP you seem to have changed your tune somewhat regarding the necessity for surgery.

Sneaker - on page 2 (I think) I added a 2nd post after my original to say that I was a little naughty and deliberately posted a question that would encourage responses. I don't really think she is wasting her money at all. I am behind her 100% - although yes I am quite jelous.

It was a sneaky poll because my friend is very worried about what people will think/say to her if/should they find out about the operation. I just wanted to be able to say to her well X% of people are likely to say this and X% are likely to say that.

I dont' understand, OP started out saying she shouldn't do it, has since then defended her to the hilt. Which side are you on?

Why is her GP surgery unsupportive?

I'd rather be judged for having the band than be judged for being obese and seemingly unable to do anything at all about it.

Ah, Xpost. But why can't she get it done on NHS? Or was that part a deceit, too?

there are people who will judge, who think it's cheating or a short cut or whatever. but who cares? there's also lots and lots of people who are already judging and think she's just lazy and greedy. you just have to ignore all those people and think about yourself and getting where you need to go. i think surgery should be a last resort, because there's risks of course, but i respect anyone who manages to do something about it.

The NHS has strict criteria about who is or is not eligible, which varies from PCT to PCT. Plus some will only offer one procedure which may not be best suited to everybody.

Her GP won't put her through even though she is over 21 stone. Apparently the reason is that they need to tick off all the options to lose weight first, then they will put her forward to the PCT. The PCT then consider her case and IF they say yes, then she can go on the massive waiting list.

The list of options are:

1. very low calorie diet (VLC) like Lighter Life
2. clubs and groups like Slimming World etc
3. pills - which she has done but farted bright orange smelly oil so stopped taking the pills.
4. counselling - which she told me today that she did privately - a therapist and a hypnotherapist for 6 months about a year ago.

However, other than the pills the GP can't confirm that she has done any of the above. So she would need to spend about 6 months trying out (again) each of the options to show her GP that she can lose weight but then puts it back on again.

Once she has gone through that, which is likely to take about 18 months or more. She then may have to wait a further 18 months on the waiting list. Also, our PCT tend to pay for gastric bypass only and she wants to have a vertical sleeve. She just wants to get on with it, which is why she is going private. £10K!!!!!

My mum had a gastric band fitted about 4 years ago and had so many complications from it she nearly died.

While this was a different type of surgery than your friend is suggesting but I think a lot of the issues surrounding it are the same. It is not a quick fix or the easy way out, it is something which totally changes your life and not always for the better.

Your friend will never be able to eat a normal sized meal again, and there may very well be certain foods which she will never be able to eat again. I know some people might think this is a small price to pay for being ultimately healthier and having a potentially longer life but there are so many risks associated with this type of surgery. The bigger you are the more likely you are to die on the operating table or suffer serious complications.

I'm sure your friend knows all the risks and has considered it very carefully but after what happened to my mum I really want people to think so carefully about this surgery as problems can, and frequently do, occur. My mum lost about 9 stone - half her body weight, but the complications with her band caused her to not be able to keep anything down, not even water. Eventually she was so malnourished and dehydrated her organs started shutting down, by this point she had pretty much developed an eating disorder too.

Even though the band was killing her she begged the doctors not to take it out, and said that if they did she would keep making herself sick so that she did not put on weight. I know that if she had not had it removed she would not be here now, and I would much rather have my mum in my life!

Besides this. some people have deeper, emotional reasons for being overweight that you simply cannot 'fix' by taking away the physical problems. If you are addicted to food this does not change overnight, it can get replaced with another, potentially more destructive addiction.

It is very difficult, there is no easy answer but, unfortunately the reality is that diets don't work long term - whatever changes you make have to be maintainable for life, not ever eating chocolate or cake again is not realistic.

I am no expert on the matter I just hope your friend thinks really seriously about this, and if she does go ahead with it, she is one of the lucky ones as I would hate to see anyone else suffer for months like my mum did :(

By the way, if she has it done privately any complications or corrections that do arise with not be covered by the NHS!

Sorry for the mega post!

I think YABU.

Her money her business. And if its only half the savings then they have another 10k left so hardly like she's getting the family into financial trouble.

Having a BMI that high is morbidly obese. Morbid - likely to give you serious health conditions which could kill you. She probably thinks her kids and husband/partner would rather have her alive than an extra 10k in the bank.