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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up that nursery taught DD "sorry"?

100 replies

tallulah · 05/06/2011 19:39

... without an appreciation of what it actually entails?

I don't know how other 4 yos are but my DD has taken to "sorry" like a hail mary. :( Nursery insist they say sorry, which would be OK if she meant it, but at home if we tell her off/ ask her to stop doing something she just blithely says "sorry" and then carries on doing it. It's as if she thinks that the word is enough to absolve her and she doesn't need to actually modify her behaviour in any way.

It is driving us demented. I would rather she didn't say sorry at all but that's going against what nursery is doing.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Meow75 · 05/06/2011 20:09

I teach Secondary school, and there is one kid - Y8 - who STILL seems to think that chucking out a sorry makes me forget whatever it is that I was telling him off for. It drives me potty, so I kind of understand why the OP doesn't want her DD doing the same.

But OTOH, why is the DD - and my Y8 pupil even more so - NOT comprehending that sorry actually needs to mean something?!?!

ChopMonster · 05/06/2011 20:10

Perhaps if she says sorry then carries on misbehaving, you should then follow through with an action e.g. toy taken away/naughty step etc. At 4 she should know what sorry means.

Meglet · 05/06/2011 20:12

Meant to add, they still do naughty things again sometimes. But it's a start, they're only 4 & 2.

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2011 20:14

Then teach her to modify her behaviour.
She says 'Sorry'. You make her stop and discuss what she has done.
Simples.

saffy85 · 05/06/2011 20:14

YABU

It's not the word sorry that is the problem, but your DD's lack of understanding that's the problem. That isn't the nursery's fault that your DD doesn't seem to use the word correctly. Empathy has to be taught imo. My 3 year old understands this and unless she's in a really shitty mood doesn't have to be prompted to say sorry and says it off her own back. I'm guessing because she's been taught from an early age that biting, hitting, snatching etc isn't very nice.

If you want your DD to use the word correctly you need to teach her too. I imagine that if she was told to say sorry for whacking another child on the head at nursery, said the word and hit the child again the staff would say something to her? So why don't you? How has she got to 4 years old without any idea of what sorry means?

CrapBag · 05/06/2011 20:14

My friends all appreciate it when I get DS to say thank you for having him around and he doesn't always need prompting. I am teaching him manners, that he should thank and appreciate that someone has invited him to their house.

He is always getting compliments on his manners and it makes me very proud.

swash · 05/06/2011 20:14

This is where nursery can be great - filling in the gaps in parenting. I didn't teach my dd to say 'thank you' or 'please' because I would rather she asked for something in a nice tone and showed appreciation by looking pleased etc... Rather glad nursery made her because I have realised (now she is 6) that it makes me happy to be thanked after all!

sevendwarves · 05/06/2011 20:15

I completely agree with what other posters have said. At 4 years old she needs to have some discipline and learn that her actions have consequences. You're the parent, if you don't like her behaviour it is your responsibility. Not being taught to say sorry at the age of 4 is just lazy parenting.

abbierhodes · 05/06/2011 20:15

" Meow75 Sun 05-Jun-11 20:09:56

I teach Secondary school, and there is one kid - Y8 - who STILL seems to think that chucking out a sorry makes me forget whatever it is that I was telling him off for. "

Meow- just the one? I'm jealous! I have several classes full of them!

pigletmania · 05/06/2011 20:17

YABVU if you dd does something wrong, or something that she wasen't supposed to do then she has to say sorry. You should have taught her this earlier. When I get dd 4 to say sorry, I then tell her why she has to say it. DD loves Dora and I got her the Dora Book of Manners which she loves, part of it is saying sorry.

TidyDancer · 05/06/2011 20:17

I know it's already been said, but how has she got to that age and not known what it means?! Assuming she's NT (and I apologise if there is a SEN involved), I can't believe you have a four-year-old who doesn't know the word "sorry"!

MigratingCoconuts · 05/06/2011 20:18

this is a wind up, right?

NorthernGobshite · 05/06/2011 20:20

She's 4 and doesn't understand the concept of sorry?? Seriously?

Bonsoir · 05/06/2011 20:21

I agree with other posters and am a bit surprised that a four year old hasn't had the meaning of sorry explained to him since before he could talk.

youarekidding · 05/06/2011 20:27

YABU. I know slightly older dc's (not quite yr8 ) who have learnt 'sorry, sorry, sorry' gets them let off after they've continued a behaviour for an hour a few minutes and a consequence is put in place (well not as they say sorry and its withdrawn).

One now demands an apology from anyone who even accidently touches them on passing (quite often so lightly the passer hasn't even noticed) but has never said a sincere apology in their life - and often says it sarcily or whilst laughing.

Saying sorry has it's place in society and when used correctly has a very powerful meaning. You need to teach your DD this.

prettyfly1 · 05/06/2011 20:30

In my house, with my mad disciplinarian ways strict ethos I ask that my six year old not only apologise but ask if there is anything he can do to make it right and DO IT. I think an apology goes a long way and expect my boys to do so but only if they understand and back it up.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/06/2011 20:33

A NT four year old is perfectly able to understand the meaning of 'sorry'.

You sound a bit mad OP

Sorry

thetardisismylovenest · 05/06/2011 20:35

yabu. At 4 a child should know when to use sorry and know that it means "and I won't do it again". I expected it of mine from before they were 3.

Has the OP not taught her child "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" either?

I'm amazed at the poster who prefers children to say "give me some grapes" to "please may I have some grapes".

MoChan · 05/06/2011 20:43

My 3 year old has been using the word sorry in a perfectly appropriate way for a fairly long time. I very consciously didn't teach it to her before I felt she could understand WHY she was saying it, but I felt she could understand WHY she was saying it well before she was 3 years old. Bit surprised that at 4 you still don't think she is able to 'get it'.

mummyosaurus · 05/06/2011 20:49

YANBU

I taught mine to do something to make the injured party feel better - give them a toy or a cuddle, I said sorry to injured party (to model saying sorry "Sorry DD hit you and made you feel sad").

They have learnt to say sorry now, and understand what it means.

Original poster

tallulah · 05/06/2011 20:50

Well that told me then, didn't it I was asking for some suggestions, not to be told I'm a sh*t mother. Thanks to the posters who were able to offer something constructive.

FWIW I have taught her please and thank you, and make sure she uses them.

She has been saying sorry at home since she was two. It is just that now she is using it as an excuse and not in the same context at all. She used to at least sound as if she was sorry. Now it is just a word.

Actually I haven't explained this at all well. She isn't saying sorry for eg hitting another child on the head. It is more like swinging on the furniture or something similar she knows she isn't allowed to do. Sorry isn't really appropriate. Stopping swinging is the required response.

OP posts:

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/06/2011 20:55

Well that makes more sense tallulah

She is old enough to understand what sorry means but she may not be old enough to understand the subtle differences in the context you require.

But that will come. It is a phase. It hasnt stopped her ability to develop this skill. Ignore the 'sorrys' you dont like and acknowledge the appropriate ones.

She will get it.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/06/2011 20:55

Describe NOT require

DoMeDon · 05/06/2011 21:02

Think the confusion came from the 'nursery taught her' part of OP. Can you not talk to nursery and ask if they explain to her why she is saying sorry or just 'make' her say it. Also think it falls into your remit to explain to DD it is not appropriate to say sorry and carry on regardless. Don;t get why you're annoyed at nursery.

youarekidding · 05/06/2011 21:03

Tullulah If she's been saying it at home then I'm sorry to say it's not the nursery who's suddenly taught her this "it's just a phase". Most DC's I know have gone through it - I found generally when they actually discover the 'true' meaning. ie when they know saying it without meaning it will piss you off and also not saying it when they know they should - again to piss you off.

Just be consistant. When DS did this I would tell him lying was bad. And saying sorry when you didn't mean it is lying. He knows lying (in this house) holds severe consequence.

I'm not sure what your views on consequences are but I would be ignoring the sorry, telling her I've asked her to stop and if she doesn't then x oy will happen. If you use time out a sorry is for the end of it.

And remember and repeat 'its just a phase'

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