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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex driving three year old in front seat of car with active air bags!

98 replies

JOGE · 05/06/2011 12:27

Hi,
My ex took me to court last year for increased contact. FYI (he has always seen his daughter three times a week, this is now every other weekend, tea in the week. Long weekend Spring and week holiday in Summer) He didn't get what he wanted.
A couple of days later he informed me that he was going to start driving our daughter in the front of his old sports car with active airbags.
I was devastated as this is not illegal so I can do nothing to stop him.
I have tried to appeal to him and wrote a letter explaining how dangerous this is, I included many articles from numerous sources with facts to back up my concerns. He has refused to listen.
We are due back in court in a couple of weeks as now wants seven weeks holiday.
I would really like the next contact order to state that he can't drive our daughter in the front seat of a car until she is older.
Am I being unreasonable? All I want is for him to sell his sports car and buy something that is safer for transporting a child.
Any advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/06/2011 13:01

I've been Googling like mad and all I can find is, you're twice as likely to die without a seatbelt?

cordyblue · 05/06/2011 13:01

This is on the aibu board, and so my non-fluffy answer would be, perhaps instead of researching freak accidents, why not research instead the damage two parents can do in fighting for a child? Why not use your concern for your child's physical safety and look at their emotional safety? Why not look at studies about the benefits of having two parents actively involved in the upbringing of the child with equal visiting rights? Look at studies to show how much of a benefit having a father around and physically present in a child's life can make them happier and more secure?
The risk of them traveling in a (LEGAL!) way against them growing up knowing their parents took each other to court and argued over the tiniest thing to stop the other "getting what he wanted".
Yes, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

LIZS · 05/06/2011 13:02

As it is n't illegal I seriously doubt that you or a judge could enforce you wishes. Perhaps focus on issues with which you can get a more realistic result, ie. if there are other safety concerns then you can bring this up.

worraliberty · 05/06/2011 13:03

Totally agree with cordyblue

vintageteacups · 05/06/2011 13:06

Actually, it was also for front facing in a front seat with active airbags, especially side air bags.

It was to do with the delicate necks of children.

Original poster
JOGE · 05/06/2011 13:12

This has nothing to do with contact issues he has always seen his daughter as he rightly should. He is her father I strongly believe that relationship should be nurtured and protected. I am not controlling or using my daughter as a pawn and I resent your comments. a year ago I wrote to him with the facts I had collected and my concerns he has chosen to continue to drive her in this car. I have not raised the issue since. Maybe I take car safety too seriously after witnessing age 8 my own mother smash through a car windscreen and sever her neck on the broken glass. My sister and two brothers were all unharmed in the rear of the car.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 05/06/2011 13:13

Are you just being pedantic for the sake of it, if he only has a two seater car he can only carry her in the front.

Providing he uses the correct seat position for her i.e a booster/car seat I don't see what the problem is.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 05/06/2011 13:15

Right, so it's really YOUR issue about the trauma of what happened to you.

Which I am very sorry for Sad and I am sure it was traumatic and horrible and just awful for you.

worraliberty · 05/06/2011 13:18

Do you have a link to the statistics OP? I'm shocked we're twice as likely to die in the front of a car than the back. Or is that just children?

Gster · 05/06/2011 13:19

Yes would be interested to see a link, it differs from the research i did.

In defence of the sports car i drive ( my ep voiced concerns ) the car i have is designed to go fast obviouly, but it's also designed to give substantial protection should any impact occur. Most of the car is designed to absorb / crumple under impact, but the interiour 'cockpit' offers more protection than most standard cars. Like formular 1 cars, people walk away from very nasty crashes. It also has a stopping distance about half that of any 'normal' car.

But of course, compared to a chelsea tractor it's not as safe.

Tyr · 05/06/2011 13:19

Joge,

If that happened to your own mother, it would explain your fears but they still won't get you anywhere.
Picking up on Cordy's point, if you are supporting his relationship with the child, why not agree to share holidays equally and spare yourselves the acrimony of court proceedings? It's an arrangement the courts will regularly grant anyway.

cordyblue · 05/06/2011 13:21

Why not mention that fact first, and you would have had different responses? Clearly, you have answered yourself why you fixate on car safety, and that is a personal reason for why you want pedantic safety measures in place. But, although very sad you had such a horrible trauma yourself, I sadly do still think you are being unreasonable.
Posters have picked up on the way in which it is linked to contact because you mentioned it. If you'd just have said 'ex H' it would have been different - and I could have assumed you shared all parental responsibilities and contact time.

Original poster
JOGE · 05/06/2011 13:26

She went last year for a week and on her return was very unsettled and upset. I have no problem with more holiday contact just want it to be manageable for her and to build up more slowly. I have never taken him to court and nor would I as agree this is not good for the children. He takes me to court it is difficult to compromise with someone not willing.

OP posts:
RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 05/06/2011 13:27

12 years ago a friend's 4 year old daughter was killed in a 20mph crash by the airbag when she was sitting in her forward facing car seat in the front. IT was such a minor shunt and it was said at the time that she would have been alive if the same crash had occurred with her sitting in the front seat without restraint and NO airbag.

I would NEVER put my child in the front seat with or without restraints if the airbag is activated. Stupid stupid thing to do.

Original poster
JOGE · 05/06/2011 13:30

Thank you thank you I was beginning to think I was going mad

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 05/06/2011 13:30

Unfortunately, you and he have to agree on contact, if he's not got as much as he would like and you won't concede more, then he has to take you to court to get a definitive ruling on contact, can't you see that?

BTW it is possible to deactive the airbag, sometimes you have to go to a garage to get it done, but it can be done.

You are understandably uptight and anxious about your daughter travelling in the front of the car, and given your history and what happened to you I can totally understand, but you know it's your problem, your issue, you can't put controls on his access I'm afraid.

Original poster
JOGE · 05/06/2011 13:37

He took me to court last year and we had definitive ruling on contact by a senior district judge. From that day onwards he has tried to change it I have never messed him around never been late for pick ups always had her ready clothes Packed ready to go. And he can have the airbags deactivated just refuses to I understand that there are lots of people out there who make life very difficult for fathers however I can assure you I am not one of them my parents divorced when I was eight and my mum never said a bad word z our my dad and I wounding either

OP posts:
RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 05/06/2011 13:38

Here in Spain it is actually illegal for children under the age of 12 to travel in the front seats of cars. I see people being pulled for it all the time, mostly tourists, but also a lot of the English that live here as well.

If I have to put DD3 in the front of a car that I have hired when I travel back to the UK I will always make sure the airbag is deactivated before going anywhere. The devastation when my friend's daughter died in what was a totally senseless and preventable death is always at the front of my mind, all these years later.

I don't think in essence that you are being unreasonable, but I think perhaps you need to be calmer and clearer in your reasons for not wanting her to be in the front of the car. However, if he deactivates the airbag and she is in an age appropriate seat, I cannot see the problem with allowing her to travel in the front. Give and take - it goes far. I promise - been there!!

vintageteacups · 05/06/2011 13:42

The safest place to sit in any car (stats by RAC), is in the middle of the rear of car.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 05/06/2011 13:42

I think it's unfortunate that your attitude comes across as confrontational when I think you're just wound up about your DD being with him.

Until you and he can find a way of working together, it's going to be like this, with both of you in and out of court and finding different things to be up tight and negative about.

Honestly, been there, done that, got the Tshirt - the best advice I can give you is to try to not sweat the small stuff, and let stuff go.

Gster · 05/06/2011 13:43

Yes i agree with the basic point. YANBU to ask him to turn the airbag off. In many modern cars it takes about 5 seconds to do so.

oldraver · 05/06/2011 13:54

Maybe he feels its safer to have the airbags ON. I understand you are upset by your Mothers accident, but airbags and seatbelts are designed to stop that type of injury

RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 05/06/2011 14:12

Here about half way down is some airbag blurb about the under 12s and airbags/front seat combos.

GypsyMoth · 05/06/2011 14:32

you havent mentioned how old your child is??

Original poster
JOGE · 05/06/2011 14:38

Just three

OP posts:
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