To wonder whether anyone has ever actually been influenced by the MN bun fight on SAHMs Vs Childcare

[Silver1]

Am I?

Everyone seems to take their corner very seriously-and defends it aggresively-so has anyone ever decided for or against working outside of the home or being a SAHM based on the comments on here

In answer to the OP.

Yep, I have been influenced by it, when i was pregnant with my first.

I felt similarly to DuelingFanjo when I was pregnant and planning to go back full time after 6 months with my first. Really thought I had no choice.

In the end i went back three days a week after a 13 months then had a 2nd DC less than two years later and gave up work altogether

Obviously MN wasn't responsible for making me want to do those things, but it made me THINK, really THINK. Whereas before I just assumed I would have to keep on working full time.

Nope. Has never influenced me at all. Or upset me. Our circumstances are so complicated and atypical it's not even worth going into the pages of the story/reasons why I became, by accident, a SAHM.

My RL friends' choices do influence how I feel about our situation though.

I became a SAHM because financially it wasnt worth me working for those 4 years. After childcare costs etc it would have worked out I would have been working for something like £112 a month.
Luckily I was able to take a career break from my job and I went back when DS started school

Yeh I work for about £112 a month
sadly we need that £112

Over the years I suppose I've been influenced by information that I didn't know before - which I've read on MN and in other parenting discussion places - more so than by opinions unsupported by anything else. That has influenced my choices.

But I don't beat myself up over decisions that I made earlier just because I might make different ones today - that way lies madness. Either you end up beating yourself up unfairly when you didn't know any different at the time, or you end up painting yourself into a corner defending a decision that you might not even make again if you had the choice, just to avoid looking like you're saying you were wrong.

Really as others have said every decision is less than ideal in one way or another and it's best just to own your own decision - provided that doesn't mean you feel you have to take up a lifelong stance where you label that decision as eternally right for everyone, rather than just a good decision for you at that particular time based on what you knew then.

E.g. with the SAHM/WOHM thing, I think there are downsides to both. I'm not convinced nursery is generally a good thing for small babies but I would still use it again if I had to - but it would now be a good bit further down my list of choices than it was for my older children who were in nurseries as very young babies, now that I know some things I didn't know years ago. But equally I'd be concerned about financial vulnerability if I had to be a complete SAHM (I work part-time at the moment). That wouldn't necessarily stop me doing it but I would work very hard to put things in place that made me less vulnerable - I would consciously adopt quite a hard-nosed business-like approach to planning my own financial future in case of change.

Nothing I've read has ever convinced me that it's best for everyone to be either a WOHM or a SAHM, nor has anything ever convinced me that either all WOHMs or all SAHMs are evil and need to be taken down a peg or two. I'm quite convinced the decisions most people make are best for them at that time given the information they've got, even if my own might be different because of all the things in my life that are not identical to theirs, and even if I'd take a different side from them in any kind of theoretical debate about an issue like childcare.

No, I would be influenced on such an important decision by anyone on a forum. Nobody's circumstances are exactly the same and nobody has identical feelings to anybody else so to compare your situation with somebody else's and make a decision based on what they might think is daft.

That's wouldn't, not would.

My opinion (I am a SAHM) is that it is up to every family to decide for themselves. I have also been a working mum and may be again someday; each was right for us at the time.

I do prefer being a SAHM (after a couple of years initial adjustment) and feel I can be closer to my kids and less stressed, but that is ME not everyone else, we are all different. Life is short, do what makes you happy- if you have a choice of course.

It doesn't bother me when people put what i do down, i just think they are protesting too loudly..why would they if they are truly happy?

I work part time for myself doing two days a week with dd in nursery. I think it is a good option but it is a total compromise. I know I could work better with more time to dedicate to it and sometimes wish I was working more. I also miss dd on my working days and sometimes wish I spent all my time with her. If I take calls/emails on my dd days I feel rubbish for her and if I don't then I feel guilty and inadequate at work.
Part time allows me a glimpse of both worlds but I occupy neither as a resident.
Apologies for tangent just not totally convinced by pt here. I think it demonstrates my undecided state really.
I have no qualms at l about nursery though and find some sahms who are versus nursery so vehemently a bit odd as by definition they have no experience to base their op on.

I work full time and don't have the luxury of the choice to do PT or be a SAHM, given that luxury of choice I would love to be a SAHM and not because I think the grass is greener or its the right thing to do just purely because I love being a Mum and looking after my children and wish I could do so without breaking off to work.

If we based all our parenting decisions on whether or not we had personal experience of both options, then how could you make any decision at all for a child?

Not that personal experience isn't valuable and useful in making decisions but it's still just one data point, just one anecdote, and even then it's only the parent's point of view - it shouldn't necessarily be the thing that trumps all other arguments - just one of the things to factor in.

You might as well argue that unless a parent has been in a nursery when they were a baby (and can remember it), then they don't have enough experience to give a valid opinion of nursery, but that doesn't stop parents (including me) deciding to use them for their children.

You don't really hear from people who are genuinely happy on MN at all, whether working or staying at home.

Because if you are happy with your life then you don't have much of an axe to grind about other people's setups.

The debate on here is often dominated by people who have made a choice (either way) or been forced into a situation (either way) and desperately need people to validate that choice as the 'right' one.

I don't think there is a 'right' choice, there is only what works best in your life, for your family, for your situation.

I am very lucky in my situation and think this currently works best for us (all of us, including me) so feel no need to have a go at someone who is doing it differently. I don't usually say much at all on those threads because of that, bit of a self selecting group I think.

Ah but raining making your own decision for your family based on what you intuitively feel is very different to having such a strong opinion that you feel the need to state it in a certain style on an Internet forum. Making a decision based on each individual child or circumstance is not a blanket and generalised abhorrence.

Morloth - I think you're right. I am always drawn to these threads because I am frustrated at home but am having trouble finding p/t work. It's like picking at a scab

It is all down to insecurity. Most people do a mixture of both at different times.

I never really understand how people can be so sure of their own choices that they will denigrate those of others. Surely many of us will experience both WAHM and SAHM scenarios at different times in our lives? I try to avoid MN threads on the issue in general! I know why I made my choice but what's right for me probably isn't going to work for someone else. There's a wide spectrum of experience out there.

WOHM, obviously