To wonder whether anyone has ever actually been influenced by the MN bun fight on SAHMs Vs Childcare

[Silver1]

Am I?

Everyone seems to take their corner very seriously-and defends it aggresively-so has anyone ever decided for or against working outside of the home or being a SAHM based on the comments on here

Agreed kungfupannda - the only people to judge if their childcare choice has been a good one are the parents themselves.

In my case, my mum cared for dc1 part time, dc2 went to nursery and dc3 is at home with me as I am now a childminder, so I have experience of all the options. FWIW dc1 would have preferred to be at home with me while dc2 adored nursery. It really depends on the child. I just made what I thought was the right childcare decision depending on my circumstances at the time.

The nursery we used a fabulous. Three days a week.

I would hope that no one would make that sort of decision solely based on anything they have read on mumsnet! Just do what is right for your family and be confident in your decisions

Not influenced, no. But somewhat surprised that some (and I stress some, because it is by no means all) that WOHM view SAHM with such little regard. It saddens me that in this day and age there are women who are so quick to denigrate that particular choice.

But this is said, of course, from my own particular viewpoint of being a SAHM. It is rare to find anyone who is completely impartial. One's own experiences will always colour our views.

It all boils down to one thing- feeling secure in your choices. I am happy with our choice, therefore don't feel any pressure from the 'WOHM brigade' to change my lifestyle. I suspect that if, deep down, I were not happy, I would be more open to influence.

when I first started using mumsent I felt if I am honest a little depressed by some of the posts about SAHMs things like no future, not setting a good example, not supporting DH, makign DH feel too much pressure to bring in money (the list seemed endless). Now I have realised that pretty much anything is critisized by some people on here - I suppose because of the wide range of people) so I just tend to ignore it and get on with my life.

For what its worth Whiteglove I think the "part time working" scenario is a really enviable one if you are in a job you enjoy doing. Talk about best of both worlds! Particularly a 3 day a week role - I know there can be pitfalls of working part time in terms of in the office, if you are in an office, depending on the organisation, but in terms of work/life balance, time with and away from children, adult/child company, etc it's a potentially great scenario and for many just the right amount of each.

You could say that your child gets a nice slice of the benefits of both scenarios - there are benefits to having a parent at home, there are benefits to going to nursery, and if there are pitfalls to either then they only get a small bit of those instead of the full dose.

Its a nice mix of the positives and the negatives shaken up to make a nice balance of pretty good for everyone.

Pretty good is a damn good thing in my opinion. If you achieve it by being a SAHM or a Working full time parent or whatever you are also doing really well.

I find in real life part time workers are the most envied - many SAHM's would work part time in the right job if they could find it and it worked out, and many full time workers would go part time if they could (financially or otherwise).

Enjoy it! It sounds like you do and you should.

I am constantly astonished by the level of vitriol aimed by one woman at another over their choice of childcare. I am especially, surprised that SAHM tell women who use nurseries that they are damaging their children. How could they possibly know? They are SAHM and have no real experience of nursery.

TBH my view is that many SAHM provide very average or poor childcare for their children. In our case we found a fantastic nursery that was far more challenging and stimulating that been stuck at home a one tired distracted parent. Our children came out well socialised and ready for school. I would never criticise a parent for being SAHM/SAHD or using a nanny, childminder or a nursery. Your child - your choice.

The only thing that makes me shudder is one set of parents we know who are hardly ever with their children, use a constant stream of ever changing au pair cover to the extent that their children literally never know who is going to be looking after them day to day. Children really value stability in the person/people who care for them. Where that actually takes place home/nursery is neither here nor there as long as it is safe and stimulating.

People should look at the options and keep an open mind.

I think I must have missed the worst threads - the ones I have seen usually end up with most people saying that it's a choice made on many factors and everyone should just shut up, get on with their choices and respect those of others. Or maybe I just leave threads before they get nasty.

Also, I find it impossible to "take sides" because during the time I've been a mother I've done many permutations - full-time WOHM, part-time (various hours/patterns) SAHM and voluntary work. I had my first DS when maternity leave was only 18weeks and it was normal for work returnees to put their babies into nursery at 3 months, also before many of the other things that help WOHPs such as flexible working, salary sacrifice for childcare vouchers etc. Much more sharply defined choices then, in some ways. But people still made them, and the children turned out fine. And will continue to do so.

And whatever you choose to do right now isn't set in stone. All of us are making it up and we go along.

Nope! Have seen first hand how quickly my ds has come on through his fantastic nursery and how excited he is to go inside on my working days and that has spoken for itself. So much so that when I start maternity leave to have dc2, ds will continue to go to crèche one day a week as my husband and I both feel it adds something positive to his week.

I am a Mummy, I make the best decision I can at the time with the information I have for my family. I make mistakes sometimes.
Anyone who says they are different regardless of whether they are a SAHM or a WOHM is not being honest.
The fact that one group of individuals should feel that they are superior to another group by the choice that they have made sickens me.

No because its my life and my children.

And there is a lot of crap spouted on both sides by some posters.

I agree with the posters saying that the extreme, zealous viewpoints are not helpful, and also aren't grounded in reality.
Many people in these debates give sensible considered views, but sadly there are a minority of very fixed, extreme posters who are determined that their way is 'right'

The other thing id add is that this issue encompasses the long term - and some people forget that, and focus solely on a short amount of time, eg the 'pre-school years. Even if you feel that at this current moment in time you have the perfect set up for you, that set up will have repercussions and impacts further down the line in years to come. FWIW I think I could quite happily have become a SAHM for several years, as I was never hugely career minded and I had some wobbles about returning after ML. If I had stayed at home, no doubt I would have believed I was doing the 'right' thing and would have been happy; however ,several years later I feel glad that I returned to work 3 days a week, because from the evidence I see around me, id be struggling to get even menial work now if id given up totally. So, what might feel right at one point, isn't necessarily going to feel the best decision further along the line.

The last thing I'd add is that it would be so helpful to see more dads' views on these boards, about 95% seems to be from the mums, and I am sure we would see a different picture if the dads were adding to it. I think a lot of men nowadays don't subscribe to the traditional view of father earning and mother being at home; they have not been raised through an education system which promotes that (unlike our own parents generations) and I do wonder whether a lot of men probably feel quite bemused by some of the views on MN

"TBH my view is that many SAHM provide very average or poor childcare for their children"

MoreBeta this is an interesting observation. What do you define as "average" or "poor" in terms of childcare provided in the home? Are you talking about supervision, stimulation, neglect, safety, nutrition?

Do you apply the same "criteria" to at home care that you do to nursery care (i.e, do you expect a child to be supervised and stimulated to the same level in the home as you do from a nursery? If so, why?)

Is your view of poor care simply something like having a couple of hours of TV a day and having to amuse themselves while someone does some cooking or housework or are you talking about proper neglect or abuse?

Would you consider children getting about in their local community with an adult carer going about their daily life to be a poor standard of care, average, or ideal?

In a hypothetical situation if you were a SAHM do you think you would provide poor or average care to your own children?

Very curious to hear your views.

Every single mother I know in RL has done a mixture of working and staying at home over the course of their children's lives. I have worked 60 hour weeks and am currently at home full time and done many stages in between.

Every single child I know via those mothers is just fine.

If you love your kids and do the best you can then they will be fine.

People are full of shit and it is just another way to make women responsible for everything that is wrong in the world. When was the last time we heard a debate about WOHD/SAHDs?

Tatty - it is about 4 years since DS2 was in nursery so I feel I can look back with some perspective now.

My feeling is that having shared childcare with DW equally as well as used nursery care that what our children received (especially DS2) was a far more varied and enriched and socialising experience than if we had solely looked after our children eXclusively at home and maybe done playgroup afternoons, trips to the shops, park, playing in the garden, etc.

I am my own heaviest critic when it comes to childcare. I think if I had been looking after our children 100% of the time I think I would not have provided the same standard of care and I think the nursery we found was outstanding and added a lot to the early chilhood experience of our children. DW wanted a career so never intended being a SAHM anyway.

Our solution is not for everyone though. I look at some 100% SAHMs and just think their patience and devotion to their children is something I can't match and I look at others and think their children would be better with a childminder or at nursery and their mother out at work.

Morloth - I quite agee. No one ever criticises WOHD/SAHD. I have actually never met another SAHD. Not even a part time one.

I sometimes wonder if I know you MoreBeta.

You are not in the habit of referring to your DW as 'She Who Must Be Obeyed' and repelling from windows to clean the garage roof are you?

I know quite a few SAHDs, DH's industry lends itself to one parent being a stay at home one and many of the people he works with are women.

I'm sure what I have read on MN has influenced me to keep working and not use childcare, even though I am constantly exhausted.
I have managed to be both SAHM and work (mostly from home), while the DC are small. I'm sure I will look back on this and think I was stupid to put myself through it, but this way I don't worry about my career/ the weight of responsibility on DH or the possible problems of childcare.
I have aged 20 years though.

I don't think anyones views ever change but a lot of people get offended. Having a different opinion fair enough but the people who have to put others down for making a different choice just seem to me as if they are trying to convince themselves that what they did was best. People who are happy with their choices don't tend to give two hoots what others do.
I'm a SAHM - that is what was best for me - not sure about my kids but it was what I wanted to do. Some mums prefer to work part or full time and feel that they are more attentive for it when at home. Different arrangements suit different circumstances and it has nowt to do with anyone other than the family concerned.
Duelling - I was involved in a SAHM/Working mum debate recently where one poster suggested I was damaging my kids because SAHMs resent staying at home. I love staying at home with my kids and have no desire to work until they are in school. According to someone on here though I must be lying to myself. There are nutters on both sides. Ignore.

MN certainly doesn't influence me on this. Basically my influence was our personal financial circumstances, my feelings on getting ds socialised away from home and the availability of child care and jobs.

I'm very glad I went to work (part time). My dh is rarely here and I was home alone with ds. We also needed the money and I was about hit 40 and jobless so it was it a no-brainer for us.

I'm very pleased that ds was in nursery - did him and me a world of good.

But I'd also say that I could have stayed at home so working was an option if we wanted more money rather than needing to meet the mortgage.

MN helped me decide to go back to work at first. My own mum worked a lot and I wanted to be SAHM to offer the time I missed out on. I found being SAHM difficult in some ways, but didn't want to 'let down' DD by going back to work, plus I hated idea of nursery. After lurking about on some bunfights I came to the conclusion that part-time working offered best of both to me and DD. We are very happy so thanks lovely MNers

Part time is great for a balance between family and work and keeps you in the job market but...

• you are likely to be less well paid

• you are less likely to be taken seriously and therefore promoted because you only work certain days

• you will probably be expected to work about home to cover surplus work (I know lots of FT workers do this but it is more likely if you are in the office say Tue-Thur)

• your pension contributions are much lower

• you are likely to be more limted in your career choices. My former divorce solicitor commented that her job could never be part time as it was too important. I think she was being 20-something tactless - not a hugely diplomatic thing to say to a divorcing single mum

• you are likely to be asked to magic up childcare for training on non-working days but not refunded the extra childcare costs. It may not even occur to managers that it is an issue

It's all about comromise. I'd love PT term-times only but dream on

I wish everyone would just be a bit more accepting of the fact we have different lives, needs, wants and hopes.

Morloth - no definitely not me. I get nervous on a stepladder never mind hanging out of a window on rope.

I do always obey MrsBeta though.

I am going to apply for term time only when DD starts school - hoping to live the dream change

I am a working mum but work with my child so I know I am extremely lucky. She comes to nursery that I work in and the good things are I love being with the children and my DD, and I dont miss anything. Also I dont have to worry about being isolated which I think it would be at times if I was a SAHM. I work with my best friends and there is always something fun going on for me and DD.

It can sometimes be tiring and looking after lots of children can be stressful but I am know I am very lucky to be in this position. I feel for the mums who have to work in jobs they hate for long hours, and I also feel for the ones that dont recieve Tax Credits and cant afford to work as both those situations would drive me crazy.