Why is everyone so mean on mumsnet?

[Orchidskeepdying]

New poster - been lurking for a few weeks. What I've noticed is that everyone is so mean. Parents/women/people come here for advice and they are torn to pieces or spelling critisied.

I feel that you all can be a little bit nicer to each other. People sometimes post to get a different opinion, but we can be nice about how we say things!

Anyway, thanks for listening - i bet someone will say something mean!

[ColonelBrandonsBiggestGroupie]

'Mean' is such a silly little word anyway. It smacks of six year old girls in the playground, 'telling' on each other.

Sometimes people will be lovely; sometimes people will be abrubpt; sometimes people will be snappy; sometimes people will spend time to give a sympathetic response and sometimes they won't and sometimes people will say something that you disagree with and piss you off. That is because forums are like LIFE and peolle don't always do/say what you want them to.

Unfortunately, the world isn't all fluffy bunnies and cupcakes, so why the heck would you expect the internet to be so?

Wanders off, wondering if she's been 'mean' now.....Gah.

[Al0uiseG]

Awww Hun, have a hug (((())))) xxxxxx

[Gooseberrybushes]

yy "brutal honesty"

no.. quite a lot of it is intended to make someone feel stupid and the poster feel more intelligent and clever

SGB's comment is a good example of this, she can say wot me, I didn't mean that

but she implied you were stupid

[crispyambulance]

lots of nasty posts on aibu, aibu is the cause of it all

[TheFlyingOnion]

I'd rather have honesty than sugary "hun" or hugziness...

some people are mean sometimes, some OPs are also very unreasonable, some people have vociferous arguments about topics that are close to their heart...

but I've found that even if I've really disagreed with someone on one thread, on another we might totally agree - there's no hard feelings.

And if someone's a dick, I'll probably tell them they're a dick. I would in RL too...

[Choufleur]

If you are posting in AIBU a lot people can be very scathing. Most areas people are really nice.

[valiumbandwitch]

I've been here about five years and I agree that some people almost trip over themselves in their haste to judge and criticise. Not always, but it's not just 'honesty'. There is being blunt, and there is being obnoxious. Bluntness has some merit when a poster is clearly in denial. But the threads I'm thinking of, a poster had posted something about her son's communication book (he was on the autistic spectrum) and a whole load of posters had a pop at her. She was obviously upset to start with, and yet people tore strips off her for ................ entertainment. A thread can go either way quite early on I find. If the first few posters are 'mean' it can open the floodgates for more judgment.

[Birdsgottafly]

I have lurked here for a long time before i posted and i have noticed that some of the responses have become alot more attacking towards the OP than they used to be, from the start of the thread and completely unnecessary.

There have always been brutally honest posters with extreme views but lately it has been different, so OP i agree with you.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Everyone is not mean.
There are some mean posts, some people can be mean some of the time.

Like your real life friends.

To say that everyone is mean on MN shows that you a.havent been around very long and b. are very selective in what you read.

There are forums that are much meaner and those that appear to be friendlier but are actually hidiously insincere and bullying.

I would rather someone told me to stop being a twat than called me hun and then rounded up a load of wattless drones to use up their last brain cells in an futile attempt to intimidate me.

If you prefer the latter approach I can recommend a good site.

[Birdsgottafly]

Also, especially when it is an area that the 'nasty' poster obviously knows nothing about, i am thinking about some of the disability/SN threads, there is no excuse. There is much middle ground between insults and 'hun'.

I doubt that some on here are like that in RL, if they were they certainly would not have a full set of teeth.

[IslaValargeone]

There are loads of great people on here, and some 'meanies'. The site is very large though, so there is always likely to be the possibility that someone will take issue with the most innocuous post sometimes.

[sausagesandmarmelade]

I get what you are saying OP...I had a baptism of fire when I arrived a few months (is it?) ago.

Could be wrong...but I am under the impression that some of the worst bullies are people who have been on here for ages and think they own the show. They expect newcomers to conform to some rule or other...and tell them that if they don't like it they can go elsewhere.

What they need to realise (in my opinion) is that this forum is for everyone...and that whilst people may have different opinions, that's no reason to resort to personal attacks and abuse...

I'd say...stay (if you want to). Your input is just as valid as anyone else's.
If I get abuse it makes me even more determined to stick around!

[kat2504]

I have posted on many threads where nobody has been anything but kind and lovely to me. Nobody on Conception, Ante-natal, or Miscarriage has ever been even slightly mean. Education seems rather civilised too. If you only post on AIBU then you are only seeing one side, and some stronger opinions. It is known as "asking for it" sometimes. There are some people who seem to come on to deliberately wind people up, but I think they seem to start threads more than be mean.

[Mimile]

blaahh...
there are some mean-spirited posters on here, but mostly on AIBU, with mean posts a by-product of boredom and "behind the screen safety".
And it is cliquey, it is petty, like school.
If it bother you, just stick to supportive threads where that kind of crap is less ubiquitous. No need to engage with either end of the spectrum, mean posters vs huns.

[as usual, only here because I'm bored, so i'll promptly scoot and go scrub sthg]

[valiumbandwitch]

No not everybody is mean. Some of the support threads are unbelievable. The advice and perspective and support I received on various npd threads has literally enabled me to move on from awful experience without the need for therapy. Some mners are SO wise.

But on the flip side, I've been called an abuser for giving my son a sedative on a plane! Posters have told me they pity my children! I've been outed by somebody who is a friend of a good friend. There's good and there's bad here, and you can take so much from the good but you need to be strong enough to tune out the nonsense.

[Birdsgottafly]

I think that there are some posters who like to provoke a reaction because they cannot do it in RL, without being thumped, i am thinking of those that seem to want SN/disabled people to just 'disappear'. I suppose they see coming onto the internet as a safe way to cause mischief, and it is, i suppose.

I was almost calling for two posters to be ignored the other night but they just left the thread in the end. MN has a good mix at present so it does reflect RL, in some ways.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

That you started a thread like this in the first place suggests that you have made an idiot of yourself elsewhere, OP. Now you've marked your own card even more as an attention-seeking whinyarse, unfortunately. Blow your nose, name change and try again.

[meltedchocolate]

Orchid, not that long ago, a week or two, there was a 'you know you're skint when' thread. I posted my current circumstances. An MNer changed their username and private messaged me asking if they could help, and what was my local supermarket. I turned them down because I feel my circumstances, though tight are under control, but I could not believe the kindness and generosity of a stranger. This was not the first time I have seen offers of help on MN, you only need to go on the relationship threads to see. MN is opinionated too true but mean? Definitely not.

[Primalscream]

Ime - the 'regulars' and people who've been here years are the worst.
Maybe they feel they own the place and can do what they like?

[slartybartfast]

not true about people who ahve been here for years.
you cannot generalise like.

[TheFlyingOnion]

One thing that makes me on here is when someone doesn't agree with you and writes "how long have you been on MN?" as if your opinion doesn't count if you've been here less than they have...

makes me quite rude....

[Birdsgottafly]

I think that some of the 'longtimers' have calmed down abit. When i lurked some of one particular posters comments were extreme, she now only pops up occassionaly and goes away again pretty quick.

The only thing that i don't like is the way that you are pushed to reveal your job, i don't feel that it is necessary, as long as you show that you have knowledge in the subject matter, than that should be enough (although some posters claim to have jobs that they clearly do not because of the lack of inside knowledge that they display).

[DooinMeCleanin]

MN is only mean if you own a dog, or a cat, or have laminate florring, or claim benefits of any kind, or formula feed, or live in a council house, or work outside the home, or don't work at all, or smoke, or eat junk food, or....

I don't think it is mean tbh. I have seen more kindness between complete strangers in time on MN than I ever have before joining. If you need genuine support and are willing to listen and accept help it's here.

It's honest and sometimes that honesty is mistaken for 'bullying'. Sometimes there are posters so up their own arse that other posters do get a bit trite with them, especially on AIBU. I don't see this outside of AIBU and frankly some of the posters on AIBU deserve all they get. You do need a thick skin to post on AIBU. There are other topics if you genuinely need advise.

[Primalscream]

That's why I said 'in my experience'

The only posters who make me shudder ( and I'm only talking about 3 or 4 ) I know have been here years. You can't read too much into that of course as they were probably pita's from day one.
I'm just saying.

[valiumbandwitch]

NO SGB, she has a valid point that is worth discussing imo. People are often pointlessly mean and they assume the moral ground while they are dishing out their acerbic and crushing words of 'wisdom'.