my friend constantly using the single parent argument...Like I should feel guilty for not being a single parent as my life is obviously soooo much better

[boyoboy]

I think today she has just used the "its ok for you your not a single parent" just once too often

I said that she had to stop using it as a sympathy vote and there are plenty of single parnets out hter who are stong and independent and getting on with life and their family....

I know the problems that single parenting can bring but her arguemtns are always financial related....even though I have DP he is a sahd at the moment and so we have one income too....

I think Im just sick o the arguement...I have a lot of respect for single parents but sometimes...just sometimes, i too would like to make a decision without having to consult and deliberate

Anyway my friend was upset with me, possibly rightly so, but I just think that somtimes whatever the problem we have in our lives the more we go on about it the bigger it gets and sometimes we just have to realise that that is our life and we need to just make the best of it becasue moaning about it isnt going to help anyone, I have been there and listened and listened and helped but today I think i had listened enough

You are obviously 'there for her' and i hope that she can use this as something to feel positive about. It is different when you are having a drink you say how you feel but she is going to far in saying what she did whilst making plans, but on the other hand it shows that she seems to be constantly carrying this in her head and thats not right or healthy.

thanks ZX...am a namechager atm as I posted about some other stuff a while ago that I didnt want linking back to my original mn name as there are a few mnetters that know me in rl (was in a real personal dilemna and didnt want others worrying unnecessarily),...........aaaanyway, I quite liked this name and so it stuck :)

I think she is overdoing the moaning too and YANBU for being fed up of it.
But do you not think she is just having a hard time? Personally speaking, when I am feeling low and finding things tough, I always think that people in 'couples' have it better, and that it's because I am on my own that I am finding things difficult. Not true at all in reality, but I blame all my problems on being a single parent. A lot of people don't feel attractive, or feel financial pressure, or feel overwhelmed with having to make decisions alone, or feel isolated / lonely, or feel they have nobody to offload to, or are exhausted with dealing with the kids on their own, but I always think someone in a relationship most often doesn't have to deal with ALL those issues at once and most of the time!
Maybe she is just feeling a bit low?

Just remember that friendships are supposed to be enriching for both parties and it doesn't sound as though it is, you shouldn't be made to feel bad for others. Nobody knows what is around the corner for them, very few people to not have tough periods in their lives.

kingbeat, that is exactly right, and I think we are all of a mind, if we cant afford to do something we would just decline the invite - its nice to be included and I know that sometimes we cant always do everthing we would like to....

i just feel wary of suggesting anything nice to do because i dont want my head chewing..., but she is my mate and I love her v much , I just wish she would snap out of this self pity....hitch herself up, chin up and face the world....:),

global, Im in no doubt she is low atm and I hate to see it, she is a beautiful person with beautiful children. I just wish she had the strength to stop blaming her singleness on everything.

Im there for her as much as I can be as a friend and I hate feeling like this, just writing this stuff makes me feel horrible but it also makes me rationalise it beofre i see her again

Can you say to her "Perhaps if you were less whiny and miserable and didn't wander round with a cat's arse face that would curdle milk all the time, you wouldn't be single for much longer."

Praps not...

yanbu

I speak as someone who was a single parent for many years, and much happier that way than being unhappily married, which I'd been for many more years before the change.

It's all an attitude thing, ain't it? You can be rich, poor, fat, thin, etc etc, some people see the sunny side, some only see gloom.

I used to be fairly rich, slim and married. I'm now poor, re-married but DH is very disabled, and fat, but vastly happier than I've ever been in my whole life before: I'd never ever go back.

Also, I found being a single parent far easier than being a married parent when the marriage was very difficult! There are worse things than being a single parent!!!! You can let your inner control freak free make all the decisions yourself for a start off

No, I don't think it is annoyingly positive at all. I think you are a great mate for including you in her life. Maybe she is as Global said, just having a hard time. I have felt recently that my friend who keeps asking me to go out was getting fed up with me. But, I am only going out to things that I know I will go to. I have acceoted a few things and then cancelled at the last minute as I felt I didnt want to go. I have reclusive phases. I know that this pisses her off more, than if I refused flat out in the first place.

However, my friend keeps asking me and knows that the reclusive phase passes and I go out again....fits and starts....

You're a good mate though, and one that is able to say to her "you know what, you've pissed me off" the only thing that would be bad would be if either of you would hold onto this and hold a grudge about it.

lol @ cats arse face........I think your confusing her with my mother :) ...she pulls that face

Oh, and by the way, one thing that has got me through many, many a hard time is fabulous friends like you are to your friend, who've persuaded me to stay sunny side up, taken me out for the day - oh, how I remember lovely walks when I didn't even think I could get dressed, let alone get out! - and been astonishingly kind and patient: your friend is very lucky to have you

and what superdragon said!

soupy, you hit the nail on the head...and this is what I try and tell her,

I am very lucky, DP and I very rarely fall out about stuff, just because we give each other room...and when we do fall out, he admits he is wrong and we make up

but i have been in a relationship where the sound of the key in the front door has turned my stomach in panic and I would at that time sell my soul to be single....there is always someone worse/ better off that yourself

Could you help her put an action plan together to help her feel like she is on her way to achieving what she wants. She needs definate goals, they will help her to feel better. I can remember when i suddenly realised that part of the unhappiness that i felt was because i wanted another relationship, but hadn't admitted it to myself or my friends.

and thankyou soupy for your lovely words xx, you too kingbeat :)

I'm a single parent and echo exactly what superdragon said.
Tell her to enjoy her singleness while it lasts, far better than a bad relationship.
I like being single.

I tihnk if my DP wasnt so easy going I would have to be single, I am far too independent :D

but sometimes...just sometimes, i too would like to make a decision without having to consult and deliberate

so true that is why I love my life just now, op. Im skint as Fuck at the moment but my choice for studying and not because I am a single parent, but because Im a student.

your friend is being very unfair to you for burdening you with her problems in a snippit like that, if she requires support someone to sound off to she should be far more up front and allow this to work both ways without the constant retort.

maybe its more of an emotional struggle for her, some times it is a little hard not having a partner to moan to.

Really agree with ideas about trying to keep your friend positive, and trying to get her to develop a perspective about her own future that's positive, and just sticking with her while she goes through this.

I'd suggest a great deal of kindness towards your friend, but with a few boundaries, enforced kindly but firmly.

My closest friends have done this with me. They've been endlessly kind, but managed to tell me when my refusals to join in have gone too far for them, and given me choices about whether I do rejoin the outside world with them or not. Having those limits set on my withdrawls helped me tremendously to understand that complete withdrawls were very damaging, even to friends that I know love me, and gradually helped 'bounce' me out of my lethargy and self pity.

This all happened gradually, over a few years, but was invaluable to me.

I'm no pyschologist but sounds like me that your friend is feeling pretty low, and is using being a single parent as some kind of hook to hang these feelings on.

oh dear oh dear - she's certainly letting the side down by banging on about it.

First of all, being a single parent is hard - effing effing hard if the truth be told. it's the relentlessness of it, that everything is down to you, you have no-one to bounce your parenting off (let alone getting some personal needs met, perfunctory or otherwise). I do think that people who are in relationships can have no idea what it is really like tbh, though people certainly do try to imagine what it could be like - the better people anyway.

You're one of them OP (you darling woman!). BUT it looks like she's having a good old pity party about it all and, horror, constantly bleating about her lot. That won't do. If someone with no legs constantly says 'it's alright for you, you've got two legs' as though the universe hangs on it, well, that just won't do and is bad form.

I don't think I've ever used the phrase tbh, though i have been a SP for donkey's years - I know i don't use it much because when people do use phrases a lot they end up swallowing most of the phrase (think politicians) it is so well worn, like a stair carpet - and I don't do that. I just got on with it , it's been hard enough without drawing attention to it.

You are mrs lovely and you are bending over backwards to accommodate your friend's needs - tbh, you're wasted on her: there are plenty of SPs who would be overjoyed to find someone like you as a good friend who doesn't put her marriage/man on a pedestal before which the world has to STOP (rare) - uh-oh, sounding bitter there.

She's got to shut up, plant her feet firmly like the queen, and bear the load. Of course some marriages are shit and it's horses for courses: that doesn't take away how hard it is to be a SP, sorry - a different kind of hard, admittedly. It does get on my nerves when people say they would love to be able to do what they like when they like, aren't you lucky - try that year in year out and it does lose its gloss.

Tell me, why are you flogging a dead horse OP? Does she have any redeeming traits? Does she give anything to you? You have obviously established a forum where she feels it's ok to bleat constantly - why is that? Is she your lame duck (sorry, blunt), are you a helper? Just a thought.

Or maybe, as you are such a fab mate, she is seeing you as the sounding board to moan at not having a partner to do it with??

I have a mix of friends who are single and in relationships/married and we all have a moan at times but maybe she sees you as a sounding board and is just offloading all her negative thoughts onto you.

Not an excuse by the way, just an idea. Also, I know in the days BC (before children) when I was single I was more set in my ways of doing things and din't like to veer out of my way of doing things IYSWIM

MrsShaden "Perhaps if you were less whiny and miserable and didn't wander round with a cat's arse face that would curdle milk all the time, you wouldn't be single for much longer."

oops posted too soon. That comment is nasty.

heleninahandcart-but also quite funny (if not actually said, just thought).

YANBU : why does she want you to feel guilty?are you smug, or has she sour grapes?