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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend constantly using the single parent argument...Like I should feel guilty for not being a single parent as my life is obviously soooo much better

52 replies

boyoboy · 03/06/2011 21:39

I think today she has just used the "its ok for you your not a single parent" just once too often Sad

I said that she had to stop using it as a sympathy vote and there are plenty of single parnets out hter who are stong and independent and getting on with life and their family....

I know the problems that single parenting can bring but her arguemtns are always financial related....even though I have DP he is a sahd at the moment and so we have one income too....

I think Im just sick o the arguement...I have a lot of respect for single parents but sometimes...just sometimes, i too would like to make a decision without having to consult and deliberate Grin

Anyway my friend was upset with me, possibly rightly so, but I just think that somtimes whatever the problem we have in our lives the more we go on about it the bigger it gets and sometimes we just have to realise that that is our life and we need to just make the best of it becasue moaning about it isnt going to help anyone, I have been there and listened and listened and helped but today I think i had listened enough

OP posts:
ohmyfucksy · 03/06/2011 21:41

YANBU. Basically, some people just like to whine on and on at their friends, because they think they will take it. Well, no. People don't want to be lectured at, especially about something that isn't their fault (her being a single parent). It's rude. I think you had to tell her.

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 21:44

I can take a bit of whining I mean that is what friends are for...to listen and be sympathetic...

I just feel it is a bit of a grudge thing now Sad

OP posts:
ZXEightyMum · 03/06/2011 21:45

Well there are single parents and single parents. Some have no support from friends, family and ex partners, some do. Some work, some just can't. Some have financial support and / or time off at the weekend although this often comes at a price Hmm

Some married people have decent husbands and some have utter gits. That's very difficult. Many have something in-between.

What was the actual issue OP?

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 21:55

the issue this time was what we could do over the summer holidays and I had mentioned it would be nice to maybe take all the kids to a couple of nice places - day trips etc...DP doesnt tend to go as hes not really one for say trips so my friend and I often go and take the kids...not problem and I dont mind DP not going Smile

and try as I might looking at ways to make a cheap day out as cheap as possible I just couldnt please her...I just though a couple of days would break things up and give us all something nice to look forward to..instead of what will happen ...he staying in all holidays moaning about never getting to take the kids anywhere and me feeling bad as I have saved in advance and dug out 2 for 1 tickets etc...

she just sneered at me that it was ok for me as I had DP here to lean on and she had no one...>

Now I could e someoen who moans at DP because he doesnt come out with us on day trips...but i think, well that is his choice, he does a lot with the kids and i think sometimes he likes his own space....i could moan about it but really where would it get me?...so i accept it, it is no big deal and tbh i do better to save me moaning for somthing worth crying about...

OP posts:
Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 21:56

and zx that was my thinking exactly...sometimes rather be a happy single parent than someone in a disasterous realtionship

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 21:57

Depends on what the conversation was about I suppose?

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 21:58

xpost frogs :)

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 22:01

ah cross posted! So you suggested days out and she sneered at you? There was no more to it than that? In that case she should think herself lucky she has at least one friend who wants to know her.

TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 22:03

and by that I dont mean she's a horrible person, I mean a lot of single parents find themselves left out when all their friends are partnered up....it came out soooo wrong Grin

TattyDevine · 03/06/2011 22:03

My sister in law is always doing that - her children are grown up now - but she'll see me juggling something or other and she'll say "I had to do it all on my own!"

But she didn't - she practically lived at her mum and dad's house, who were in the next street, she was over there all day every day. She'd sleep there 4 nights out of 7. And her ex husband would have the kids on the weekend (not ALL weekend but overnight and for a whole day)

So whilst I don't engage in any coversation or to and fro on the subject, I can't help but think with my husband travelling abroad for work at least once a month, no parents, sisters, brothers, inlaws to "help" or "babysit" and him doing long hours when he is in the UK, I think I probably have to do more than she did on my actual "lonesome"

Okay so she was lacking a certain support or whatever that you get from having a partner, but when something needed doing at her house that she couldn't do, her father did it, when something came up that she couldn't afford to pay for, her parents bought it. She didn't have it as bad as she could have!

IprivateI · 03/06/2011 22:03

I think she's just jealous. Ugh...I hate whingey types.

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 22:04

no more to it frogs....and my reaction was possibly a little ott

I have just had enough as there are many similar situations where I feel I have to be guilty of having my partner there with me and that I should go out into the garden and flog myself :)

OP posts:
Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 22:06

Iprivate....I can tolerate a whinger for a while if life is genuinely being tough but habitual whinging, I cant bear it

OP posts:
greencolorpack · 03/06/2011 22:07

MIL does this... however hard we have it, she always has the trump card cos she's "all on her own" sob and "at least you two have each other." Yeah cos life's one long Broadway musical for us cos we're married. [sarcasm]

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 22:09

lolol greencolorpack.......does he serenade you whilst you butter the toast :)

OP posts:
ninah · 03/06/2011 22:09

the single parent thing is a red herring
she's overdoing the moaning!

Birdsgottafly · 03/06/2011 22:09

It depends on how long it has gone on for. I went through a stage were i felt very alone and worried about how things would go. I am a strong person with educational ability so was able to improve my situation, but not everyone is able to but you then do just have to make the best of it.

Only you know if she is starting to get a bit down, you pulling her up will do her a favour by making her address this. You would not be helping the situation if you did not tell her how you felt.

We all know people who are in a 'better' situation than us, financially or personally at times but we keep (or should keep) our negativity and resentfulness to ourselves.

greencolorpack · 03/06/2011 22:11

LOL! I wish.

You don't need to be a single parent to still feel like crying "I have no idea what I'm doing!!!!!"

TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 22:11

I have to admit, I have come out with that very line on occasion but only when for example recieving critism on my parenting from someone who has never been in my situation (quite often my mum Grin). That was why I asked, thinking there may have been some misunderstanding...but over trying to organise days out? Odd.

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 22:13

Birds, you make a really valid point, I do hope she takes this away and makes a point of trying to cheer up....I just hope she does think Im against her, she truly is a lovely person but just seems to be using this emotional crutch as an excuse for everything that is "difficult" for her to do :(

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 22:14

"critism"? new word I just invented obviously.

Original poster
boyoboy · 03/06/2011 22:16

Critism - - the critisism of single parents :)

OP posts:
ZXEightyMum · 03/06/2011 22:16

You sound like a very nice person OP. I haven't seen you before but I hope you stick around Smile

TheFrogs · 03/06/2011 22:17

thanks! Grin

kingbeat23 · 03/06/2011 22:18

Hm, it's difficult. I am a single parent, have no contact with XDP and parents and family live a little way away from me. I have a friend who is always wanting me to go on nights out with me, and I know she doesn't "get" why I don't want to leave DD with her kids and go out for the night and how things have changed for me since having DD (before I would be the last one home and ALWAYS up for going out at the drop of a hat)

Having said that, I don't go on about it being harder for me than her andI don't use it as an excuse, I just tell her I don't want to go. Maybe, like me, she goes through a reclusive phase and not want to go out or she could just be a moany old bat who always sees things as glass-half-empty.

I happen to think that you are right though, she shouldn't be comparing her life to yours as she isn't living it and both are very different circumstances and should be taken in thier own merit.