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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So bloody angry with DP just now over DDs bedtime

98 replies

SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 21:17

DD is five years old, he has only just taken her up to bed - he has totally fucked up on bedtimes since she was young, she was always a bad sleeper and i stupidly got into the habit of laying with her til she went to sleep but when she was about two i got it sorted to the point where i could leave her to get herself to sleep. When DP works late, i put her to bed by 8 at the very latest read her one story, say goodnight and put her to bed, shes quite happy, well not 100% happy, with this this. DP however has to read untold stories ends up laying up there with her, keeping her awake, for ages, hours!!! Tonight she is playing up, doesnt want to go to bed - sitting on sofa stamping feet, "im not going to bed" DP letting her watch more and more TV, even putting new stuff on for her FFS. Ends up in tantrum, she wants carrying up stairs, DP cant carry her, he has bad back - So i say i'll carry her, i pick her up, shes heavy, there is a slapping sound when i get my hand under leg, she kick off saying ive slapped her, i have NEVER slapped her ever, and i didnt slap her, it just sounded that way. DP standing there going "nice one sunshine" FFS, then she kicks off at top of stairs cos i put her down, DP losing his temper by now - blaming ME!! starts shouting at me because i was insisting on no more fucking cunting horrid bastarding henty!! , meanwhile DD is becoming hysterical. Shes overtired and will be irritable as sin tomorrow, this will just cause more tension between me and DP. Why cant he see that "keeping the peace" and allowing her her own way is just damaging her. She has school next week and its going to be a nightmare to try and sort bedtime out again and she is already struggling, i believe because of the late nights. Theres no reasoning with him about it - he thinks i just want her out of the way- err, no, i want her to have a decent nights sleep, and yes, its half term she has been irritable all fucking day because shes exhausted and im stressed and tired and wouldnt actually mind some down time before my own bedtime. She is still up there sobbing and arguing with him now. I daren't intervene because then he shouts at me and it all degenerates, so i have to sit here seething knowing that this is doing untold damage to my DD. In short, i think my DP is a cunt

PS apologies for the vile language, but its got to come out

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 21:57

and thankyou everyone for not picking me up on my vile language, a good swear up does help and it saved me from swearing at him.

OP posts:
IprivateI · 03/06/2011 21:58

I'm a bit suprised that after 5 years you both still haven't got around to agreeing on how to put DD to bed Hmm. What the hell have you been doing for the past 5 years?
My DH works late most nights, but on the weekends he manages to get DD aged 3 off to bed without any problems as he has become accustomed to the routine. I'm a bit Hmm about this...Can't really say anything, but it's your own fault for leaving it this late.

GreenTeapot · 03/06/2011 22:01

Sunshine, do you feel that he thinks you're too hard on her? Are you too hard on her?

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:04

I honestly don't think i am greenteapot, do you think not wanting her to have sweets all the time, not drink coke and have a reasonable bedtime is harsh? of course it isn't. Sometimes i think i can be very stubborn and will NOT backdown, and she obviously has inherited this from me but on the whole, im almost a big as pushover as he is.

OP posts:
BagofHolly · 03/06/2011 22:11

YANBU. Not one bit. But I wonder why your DH "can't bear" to see children upset? When your DD is kicking off, it sounds like you see a child kicking off and testing boundaries but that your DH is seeing something completely different. I wonder what (if anything) he's afraid of? Her rejecting him? Him losing control of his temper? Don't know. But he's assessing things totally differently and for him it's 'better' to have your DD. play up and also fall out with you than it is for him to take your side.

GreenTeapot · 03/06/2011 22:11

I wasn't criticising. It's just that I can identify with much of what you have said and for us we're sort of polarised sometimes with me being the stubborn strict one. It does me no harm to loosen up sometimes and it sort of neutralises some of DP's arguments if he's being soft. Does that make sense?

I didn't mean to offend.

Georgimama · 03/06/2011 22:11

It doesn't help that you are being forced to be the disciplinarian all the bloody time because he lets her do what she likes. It just makes you the big bad wolf all the time and that part is really unfair on you. Agree you need to talk about this calmly, not at bedtime, though.

shirleyshortcut · 03/06/2011 22:12

i woud go for a walk around the block while he is up there putting her to bed, or go and sit in the car, at least then you wont be gritting your teeth and getting into a state

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:13

greenteapot, i wasnt offended at all - sorry i did wonder if my post came across as defensive, it was more thinking aloud because i do question myself, but actually, i know im right Grin this time i really am

OP posts:
SparklyCloud · 03/06/2011 22:17

I would step back - tell him he either agrees and does it your way, with you, or his way alone. If he picks his way, step out of it altogether and see how long he lasts. At least you get your evenings back Grin

SparklyCloud · 03/06/2011 22:19

Beeismo you are talking shite.

GreenTeapot · 03/06/2011 22:19

Oh you're definitely right, of that there's no doubt! Grin I am very uptight about the DC getting their sleep thanks to being blessed with crap sleepers who are wired if not rested. And [smug] when I see DC of family and friends who have no bedtimes, I just feel sorry for them because it is so obviously affecting their wellbeing [smug/end].

beesimo · 03/06/2011 22:23

I said not one word about the bairn watching tv, I said about the t.v being on as a tactful way to hint there was maybe too much going on after she went to bed. I should of come flat out and said is DD staying up because when she goes to bed Mam and Dad start to argue? You do sound like DH is in the bad books at the moment

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:24

Bagofholly, that is a point maybe - we never planned on children, he was always adamant he never ever wanted them. I have an older (much) older DD from a previous relationship. We have been togeter a long time though (20 sodding long years Wink). So when i got pregnant it was a bit of a shock for him, it was never ever a consideration that i wouldn't have the baby as im anti abortion and he knew i felt strongly about that. So there we were, pregnant at 40 (i was 35) and i must admit i was a bit worried to how he would be - well, i think he was hit between the eyes with the love arrow, he came round the pregnancy very quickly actually, despite being a bit scared of things changing, and they did change, big time - anyway, i love how he loves her to distraction and always has. Things have been really hard for us since DD been born, not just because of her, its money and our relationship is fruaght. We are stronger now but this is a real bone of contention. Ah well, tomorrows another day - hopefully she will be more tired when she goes back to school and we can bring the bedtime forward. The major problem with late nights is body clocks and i have been trying to edge it forward, tonight it all goes out the sodding windown - bloody man :)

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:26

No beesimo, there is no tv on after she goes to bed, not until she is fast asleep when DP comes down and puts it on, i hate the sodding thing. And no we dont argue when she goes to bed. We are usually to fucking knackered.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 03/06/2011 22:26

Seems to me he likes the her and him against you.

A five year old should be in bed at 7 imo.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:27

FAB, thats a mentalist thing to say, the very idea - and you know, it does feel exactly like that sometimes :(

OP posts:
beesimo · 03/06/2011 22:33

I am surprised to read what age you are I thought you much younger than that, I am coming of this thread because frankly I think it is ridiculous A woman of your age not being able to paddle her own canoe, it is not bloody rocket science pet. Get a grip and stop bing so bloody childish you and your DH need to grow up a PARENT that child.

EmmaBemma · 03/06/2011 22:36

buzz off beesimo, there's a pet. You're not helping.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:37

yes beesimo, off you go theres a luv, theres been some very helpful posts here, but yours are just unhelpful and a tad sanctimonious.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 22:38

cross posts emma, great minds :)

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GreenTeapot · 03/06/2011 22:39

beesimo what's up your arse tonight? Your posts are neither helpful or relevant. You don't even sound smug. You sound sort of like I imagine Prince Philip would if he used Mumsnet.

Georgimama · 03/06/2011 22:40

Prince Phillip has many faults but he would never use the word "parent" as a verb. Being foreign he has a perfect command of the language.

razzlebathbone · 03/06/2011 22:41

Sunshine I don't knownif you would consider this but my DD is nearly 4 and she goes to bed every night at 8pm with me and her dad going with her on alternate nights and reading her three stories. But every Saturday night she is allowed to stay up late and watch a DVD and have a treat food. Would something like this maybe be a compromise for all three of you?

boysrock · 03/06/2011 22:46

OP what would happen if you left him and dd to it fo a week? Preferably a term time week?

Is there any possibility of doing that so that he gets the moans from the teachers the crap from dd and have to hold together everything else?

Would that give him your perspective? Because it strikes me as very easy to say give in when someone else (you) is making sure dd is cared for adequately.

You dont sound too strict I have similar rules and believe in bedtimes. yes they need their sleep, and shoot me, but I need time to do nothing to recharge.

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