So bloody angry with DP just now over DDs bedtime

[SunshineisSorry]

DD is five years old, he has only just taken her up to bed - he has totally fucked up on bedtimes since she was young, she was always a bad sleeper and i stupidly got into the habit of laying with her til she went to sleep but when she was about two i got it sorted to the point where i could leave her to get herself to sleep. When DP works late, i put her to bed by 8 at the very latest read her one story, say goodnight and put her to bed, shes quite happy, well not 100% happy, with this this. DP however has to read untold stories ends up laying up there with her, keeping her awake, for ages, hours!!! Tonight she is playing up, doesnt want to go to bed - sitting on sofa stamping feet, "im not going to bed" DP letting her watch more and more TV, even putting new stuff on for her FFS. Ends up in tantrum, she wants carrying up stairs, DP cant carry her, he has bad back - So i say i'll carry her, i pick her up, shes heavy, there is a slapping sound when i get my hand under leg, she kick off saying ive slapped her, i have NEVER slapped her ever, and i didnt slap her, it just sounded that way. DP standing there going "nice one sunshine" FFS, then she kicks off at top of stairs cos i put her down, DP losing his temper by now - blaming ME!! starts shouting at me because i was insisting on no more fucking cunting horrid bastarding henty!! , meanwhile DD is becoming hysterical. Shes overtired and will be irritable as sin tomorrow, this will just cause more tension between me and DP. Why cant he see that "keeping the peace" and allowing her her own way is just damaging her. She has school next week and its going to be a nightmare to try and sort bedtime out again and she is already struggling, i believe because of the late nights. Theres no reasoning with him about it - he thinks i just want her out of the way- err, no, i want her to have a decent nights sleep, and yes, its half term she has been irritable all fucking day because shes exhausted and im stressed and tired and wouldnt actually mind some down time before my own bedtime. She is still up there sobbing and arguing with him now. I daren't intervene because then he shouts at me and it all degenerates, so i have to sit here seething knowing that this is doing untold damage to my DD. In short, i think my DP is a cunt

PS apologies for the vile language, but its got to come out

[PrettyMeerkat]

The problem isn't that the the child isn't tired enough (so advice to turn the telly off or get more exercise isn't going to help) but that they don't agree on these things. It's no good the mum knowing all these things if the dad doesn't agree with her and refuses to go along with it.

[PrettyMeerkat]

What a nightmare! Both parents need to agree as otherwise . . . well it just doesn't work. He shouldn't be saying the things he is to her (mummy doesn't want you to stay up, or what ever it was). He is undermining you and that is very, very bad. Routine is really important and you need to agree on it.

It sounds as though he is very, very immature otherwise he would realise that the important thing was to parent her properly, not try to compete with you to get the most love by being the softest with her.

Problem is though that he seems to have a completely different idea on parenting to you and I don't know what you do about that! Apart from maybe go through EVERY issue and research it together and then come to an agreement.

Something like not undermining you are just common sense and the fact that he does that makes me think he isn't very clever, so I dont see how you make progress with any of the other stuff because of that.

[needanewname]

I am not a right on feminist (and I object to the assumption that I am) and I don't expect my DH to be a MUM, however I do expect him to do his fair share.

Just because you're a SAHM does that mean your working day should never end?

MY DH also works like a dog (as do I) we both got to relax once the children were in bed.

[beesimo]

Happymm

Good for you finding a method that works for your family, because that is what life is all about finding ways of being that make you family home a happy safe place where people live in peace together.

To all those who blew a gasket regarding my DH not helping with the beddytimes, when they were little my Man worked like a dog for us to build up the farm and convert the first barns. 16 hour days were normal. What was I supposed to do, say I know your pushing yerself to the very limit for yer family but sorry it's just not good enough!

He was and is the best Father and Husband I could of wished for and sorry all you right on feminist but no I didn't expect him to be MAM as well.

[Happymm]

I must admit I am a routine queen and get a bit stressed if we deviate. My 3 (7,5,2) are all in bed by 7-7.30 and asleep by 8. They need their sleep and can't manage any longer without completely losing it and making the whole evening horrid. Recently went away with my eldest for a couple of nights, and whilst she would have been allowed to stay up, she was begging me to go back to our room at 8pm so she could go to sleep,bless her. For us, once bath is done at 5.30,they're in their PJ's relaxing on the sofa with a warm milk, stories, maybe a DVD till they go upstairs. It works for us

[Allinabinbag]

I actually think Beesimo is making a good point about switching the TV off and making it seem as dull as ditchwater downstairs around the time the children go to bed. Mine were great sleepers as babies and toddlers and are worse now, as they don't want to miss out on what is going on, and I am also a bit soft and let them stay up late with me (til 9pm) watching telly in the hols, then expect them to go straight to bed. Will try the TV off til they are settled. They do have lots of exercise though!

[needanewname]

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why dad can;t put the kids to bed, bessimo you've gone back to talking nonsense again

[4madboys]

sorry but dads need to learn NOT to be played up! my own dp knows that our boys would try and play us off against each other, all kids will do it, but he wont put up wiht it and neither will I.


we need to stop making excuses for why men cant parent and just let them get on with it!

[beesimo]

Sunshine

Thanks for pm it is all forgiven and forgoten now. I never meant you no harm I was trying to help thee I am just not very good at the English.

Would write more but have to find out what 'obtuse' means it better not be bloody gammy!

btw I say it is up to the Mam to sort it out because Fathers are too easily 'played off' by the bairns, we would of been there til half past breakfast if Mam had not been in charge

[needanewname]

Bessimo - your post at Sat 04-Jun-11 09:06:20 was helpful and constuctive, however your previous posts came across as very smug and rude, that is why you've had the responses you 've had, surely you can see that.

Sunshine, it may take a while, but at least your DP has agreed that things are not right. It could be all the stress with the business is clouding his judgement (he wants harmony and peace at home) but he is going about it the wrong way. When things are calmer, you need to discuss how to handle bedtime routines. If DD says something, tell her that you and daddy both say no, that will then give your DP a get out, but let him know that he can't put the blame on you, it is a joint decision.

[4madboys]

lots of good advice and lol at the jesting as beesimo who to be frank has been rather obtuse.

and i will pick up on one of beesimos points on the last page? about it being the 'mams' responsibility to sort out and instigate a good bedtime routine, it is clear that the op already DOES this but her dh undermines her!

and to be quite frank it is BOTH parents responsibility, (tho tiny babies often need mummy at bedtime esp if bfed) but there is no reason why her dh cannot sort out the bedtime drama that HE has created!

my dp regularly puts my eldest four to bed, the youngest is only 5mths and will only settle for me at the moment but once she is bit older he will settle her as well ( he could do it now if he perservered and she got used to it) but she will only be little for a short time and neither of us are bothered by her natural dependency on me. infact the elder three boys were the same but when they got to about 9mths we made the effort to ensure that dp could settle them, i would bfeed them and then he would lie with them etc.

it sounds like you KNOW what to do op, you just need your dp to stick to it! your daughter is playing your dh up because she KNOWS that she can! he needs to toughen up! good luck.

[SunshineisSorry]

Bagofholly, thanks - thats a lovely thing to say :) What it is is that DP thinks that DDs life should be idylic with perfect days and perfect nights and never any tears or upset. Our lives are stressful just now and he is overcompensating i think. Hes wrong but for admirable reasons i guess

[BagofHolly]

What Butterbur said, with bells on. Does he worry she won't love him if he says no to her? Could you explain to him that by treating her like this (making her expect that at least half of the people in her life will give in to her) he's setting her up for a really rough ride in the future - school, brownies, other friends etc will all say no and stand their ground at some point and she'll be in for a hell of a shock, and that's v unfair. If he adores her that much maybe he'll see that actually, what he's doing is rather cruel in the long run, and is about how HE feels about her, not what's best for her. Good job she's got you! X

[SunshineisSorry]

beesimo have PM'd you x

[SunshineisSorry]

Jeeeezus H christ Beesimo - i said your HIGH horse, i crossed it out because you clearly have horses lucky cow, i would never dream of wishing you fall of your horse, please dont think that. I did say i was having a little joke with you, you do rather set yourself up for it - seriously though, thanks for the advice, now, lets be friends OK? I apologise if i have upset you

[messybessie]

I did say sugar, caffiene is another matter entirely (my children don't drink fizzy drinks but they are allowed full sugar squash if they want it).

So no, coke not good.

[beesimo]

OP

I was just trying to help thee

What ever else you say never say ought to me about falling of horses it is ill-wishing and you shouldn't say it

[SunshineisSorry]

I am right, of course i am and DP actually agrees, trouble is, we don't really know what to do to change it. DP doesn't want upset at bedtime, he hates the thought of DD going to bed upset and that is one thing we both agree on. Hopefully her being back at school, DP back at work (builder and had a quiet few weeks) now will sort things out.

Today i think i will let DD watch tv all day, feed her up on pizza and coke and put her to bed at 6pm - that should be a start.

Actually we are off "geocaching" so long as i dont swap any of her stuff and will either have a pub lunch or i'll cook something, from scratch - but just don't tell beesimo, i dont want her falling off her highhorse!

Seriously beesimo, im just having a bit of a joke with you - you have made some valid points to be fair.

[pilates]

SunshineisSorry, I find it strange how Beesimo has interpreted from your post that you give your child a poor diet with no exercise.

You sound intelligent but very frustrated.

Your husband is coming across drippy and wet to say the least. Shame your husband doesn't sing off the same hymn sheet, as children need to have consistency.

Hope you get things sorted. and you are 100% right IMO.

[SunshineisSorry]

I drink coke to keep me awake when im knackerd, it has as much caffeine in as coffee - not good for a five year old. To be fair she has had it twice, once when i stupidly let her have half a cupful and she went doolally, properly bouncing off the walls, the second time was the time i spoke about above when DP gave it to her, we fell out and i pointed out how bad for her it was and that she would be climbing the walls and frustratingly, she went to bed really easily that night.

Beesimo clearly has me pigeonholed though, i bet she thinks i shop at iceland too bless

[Butterbur]

It sounds like your DH's idea of parenting is to be your daughter's friend, to not go head to head with her in case she doesn't love him any more, and to adopt an attitude of "us kids against the adult (you)".

Of course, this just leaves you with two children to deal with, which is not on.

If he won't listen to you, is there any chance that he would go on a parenting course?

Oh and if he winds her up, and she wants to be carried up the stairs, don't step in and rescue him because he's got a bad back. Make yourself very scarce. He caused the problem, let him deal with the fall-out.

[differentnameforthis]

messybessie

You are wrong. Sugar does affect behaviour! Coke has 8 spoons per can in it & this can cause a sugar high.

I noticed this in dd1 when she was around 3. We had been shopping & dh was late collecting us, she needed a drink & the only thing I could find was ribena. She was not her usual calm self after she drank it.

And it wasn't me seeing it differently, because dh didn't even know she had had it & noticed a huge change.

Not only that, but the giving of coke before bedtime will certainly induce a caffine hugh for a young child.

[SunshineisSorry]

beesimo, your list of what you do and don't do is actually very helpful, thankyou - all you need to do now is learn how to put things across politely without sounding judgemental.

Thing is, children aren't horses - but i can forgive you that because I have often tried techniques i use training my dogs on my DD and sometimes, it actually works, now SIT!

[ScrotalPantomime]

too much sugar/sugary drinks sends bairns haywire FACT

Ahahahahaha