So bloody angry with DP just now over DDs bedtime

[SunshineisSorry]

DD is five years old, he has only just taken her up to bed - he has totally fucked up on bedtimes since she was young, she was always a bad sleeper and i stupidly got into the habit of laying with her til she went to sleep but when she was about two i got it sorted to the point where i could leave her to get herself to sleep. When DP works late, i put her to bed by 8 at the very latest read her one story, say goodnight and put her to bed, shes quite happy, well not 100% happy, with this this. DP however has to read untold stories ends up laying up there with her, keeping her awake, for ages, hours!!! Tonight she is playing up, doesnt want to go to bed - sitting on sofa stamping feet, "im not going to bed" DP letting her watch more and more TV, even putting new stuff on for her FFS. Ends up in tantrum, she wants carrying up stairs, DP cant carry her, he has bad back - So i say i'll carry her, i pick her up, shes heavy, there is a slapping sound when i get my hand under leg, she kick off saying ive slapped her, i have NEVER slapped her ever, and i didnt slap her, it just sounded that way. DP standing there going "nice one sunshine" FFS, then she kicks off at top of stairs cos i put her down, DP losing his temper by now - blaming ME!! starts shouting at me because i was insisting on no more fucking cunting horrid bastarding henty!! , meanwhile DD is becoming hysterical. Shes overtired and will be irritable as sin tomorrow, this will just cause more tension between me and DP. Why cant he see that "keeping the peace" and allowing her her own way is just damaging her. She has school next week and its going to be a nightmare to try and sort bedtime out again and she is already struggling, i believe because of the late nights. Theres no reasoning with him about it - he thinks i just want her out of the way- err, no, i want her to have a decent nights sleep, and yes, its half term she has been irritable all fucking day because shes exhausted and im stressed and tired and wouldnt actually mind some down time before my own bedtime. She is still up there sobbing and arguing with him now. I daren't intervene because then he shouts at me and it all degenerates, so i have to sit here seething knowing that this is doing untold damage to my DD. In short, i think my DP is a cunt

PS apologies for the vile language, but its got to come out

[SunshineisSorry]

I think my DP would very much welcome if we could alternate nights, and so would i because i actually like doing bedtime. However, DD will accept the one story and lights out from me, because she knows i just aint gonna budge, with DP she takes the piss, so if he is home she wants him and just wont settle for him. But that isnt such a bad idea actually. We need a strategy we both agree on, and actually, after tonights performance i think he is starting to see that he needs to toughen up a little.

Im not worried about beesimo, you get one on every thread i guess. They usually do things like using "parent" as a verb Like you say GTeapot, bit irrelevant, i'll just let him gabble on to himself!

[louisawhitegenius]

beesimo you just got told! :)

Sunshineissorry I'm not laughing at your situation but the way you told the story really made me giggle! Sorry to hear your struggling with partner, don't you hate when you live it every day and they think their gods gift just coz they did something you do day in day out without any fanfare? and with less fuss. Hope he realises he's being a dick soon!
:)

[SunshineisSorry]

i think he does louisa, lol there was one can of beer in the fridge, he came down, poured it into a glass and gave it to me!! i felt no guilt in drinking the whole lot and not offering him the meerest sip!!

[lunar1]

my DH used to do this, disrupt bedtime, get DS all excited before bed then expect me to deal with the fallout. After a while I would start his bedtime routine at the normal time, if it got interrupted, i picked up my kindle, said night to ds and ran a bath. I stayed in the bath for however long it took dh to settle him.

Only took 2 nights of this to properly train DH and our routine is back to 30 mins.

[louisawhitegenius]

nice one! enjoy it :)

[beesimo]

OP

I might be a bit upset when people 'laugh' at my spelling and grammer but then I read someone like yous posts and think well B at least your not a foul mouthed woman who calls a member of their own family the lowest names imaginable.

[ScrotalPantomime]

YANBU your DH sounds like an immature twat.

Disney Dad much? I thought only non-resident parents ever acted like that, apparently not. :(

[Pandemoniaa]

I do wonder, sometimes, quite which perfect world you inhabit, beesimo although I do think that you mean well. However, your "advice" tonight has assisted with little more than the comedy element to this thread.

I'm sorry you are having such grief over bedtime Sunshine because I also agree that children need a bedtime routine. Sure, it is possible to be flexible about bedtime on occasions but this needs to be an exception, not the rule and it is really only possible to be flexible when certain things have been established - like bed actually means bed with a story, goodnight kisses and cheerio for the night. If you have a little one who plays one parent against the other then you can't make much progress. So I hope your husband listens to you and tries to work with you on this issue, not against you.

[abbierhodes]

Beesimo, I'd rather be friends with someone who was 'foulmouthed' than clueless, judgmental and nasty. I thought you were leaving?

OP- I think the compromise idea is a good one. Your DD is old enough to understand if you allocate one night per week as a 'late night'. This gives you both chance to spoil her within the boundaries.

I think you need to talk to your DH again, but focus your discussion on ground rules and consistency rather than food or bedtime. Personally, i think you are right on most things but if your DH has different ideas you need to discuss them and work out a balance. For example, if he knows he can let her stay up late on a Friday, and give her sweets and fizzy pop on Saturday afternoons he may feel less inclined to undermine you at other times.

[fairydoll]

10-12 hours
Ask.com 10-12 hours
Web MD 10-12 hours
National Sleep Foundation 11-13 hours for 3 to 5 year olds, 10-12 hours for 6-10 year olds.'

No. Tht's not how much sleep they NEED that is what they typically sleep.
I am going to go against the grain here and say YABU well a bit anyway.It's half term, why can't she go to bed a bit later and sleep in in the morning.Your DH is working all day and I think it's understandable (and commendable) that he wants to spend some time with his DD .You said he reads her lots of stories and lies on the bed and chats with her.
However TONIGHT it sounds like he was being a bit of a nob-but i DO think you are over-treacting a bit.Can't she just sleep in tomorrow.She will do if she's as tired as all that.

[SunshineisSorry]

blimey beesimo, thres no need to take things quite so personally, fwiw my spelling and grammar are really fucking awful, hence my need to be foul mouthed to get my point across, so please dont worry that you have issues with your grammar as well, i wont hold it against you Mind you, i dont think anyone has mentioned your grammar and spelling, see the other people on the thread were trying to come up with some sort of compromise to help with bedtime. Sorry that no-one jumped on your little bandwagon, but thats ok, i dont take things personally, you'd be much happier i suspect if you didnt

Fairydoll i do get that, and have often wondered if DD does actually NEED to go to sleep as early, after all, everyone does need varying levels of sleep. I wouldnt mind but my DD will be up at six am tomorrow morning, but you know who wont be getting up with her dont you!! yep, that;l be me, snug in my bed while DP plays superparent :) He is a good dad, well at least he means to be, he is wrong about this and it has come to a head recently, he did sort of have things on track again to be fair but has let it slip. We;ll put our heads togetehr and come up with a cunning plan.

Thankyou everyone for putting up with my foul mouthed rant, i do apologise if i offended anyones sensibilities - but i have to say, that really helped, by the time DP did venture back downstairs my ire had dissipated and with the peace offering of the beer we hve had a pleasant enough rest of the evening, even if he is snoring through saving private ryan x

[differentnameforthis]

DD is five years old, he has only just taken her up to bed

What is apparent in your post is how you expect your dp to have taken her to bed. Is there a reason for that? It sounds like you were both there, so could you have not just started doing the bedtime routine too? You both have kept her up until this time, not just your dp.

In my opinion, neither of you are doing "untold" damage to her, but neither of you seem to helping her much either.

[GreenTeapot]

"Can't she just sleep in tomorrow.She will do if she's as tired as all that."

Fairydoll, not all kids sleep when they're tired. And certainly not a lie in in the morning. Late nights for my kids seems to mean even earlier mornings, hyper behaviour and even less sleep, which is really tough to get back on track.

[SunshineisSorry]

differentname - its not that i expect him to do it, its sort of just gone that way, and yes, actually - hes made the rod, so he can wear it to a certain degree. I would however happily do it but DD wants daddy.

Anyway, we have spoken about it and we agree that it has to change, she has just got up so i have left them both upstairs in our bed

Greenteapot, i know what you mean about the hyper the next day, whenever i put her to bed early she actually sleeps later.

Once again, thankyou for all the really supportive and helpful posts, even the less supportive ones made me laugh and calmed me down so i didn't jump on DP's head the minute he came down the stairs.

[perrinelli]

I really sympathise with you Sunshine as DH and I also have very different approaches to bedtime and my DD1 is definitely a sleep-fighter. She is 3 and last night I did the bath at 6.45 but she wasn't settled and asleep til 9 and only when DH lay down next to her. I don't think I'm anal about bedtime but I feel awful when she is obviously sleep deprived, and I also really struggle if I haven't had a decent amount of sleep.

I always aim to leave before she is sleeping which normally works if she gets used to it over a few nights - he stays until she sleeps which then results in her waking in the night and wondering where he has gone, then calls out for us. We've had countless 'discussions' about it but he just is incapable of putting it into practice. The only thing that worked once was when I just left him to it, said that he had to go into her in the night, then after a few nights of her calling him 3 or so times, he was like a broken man and asked me to help sort it out!

It's awful when I can see in the day time how tired and grumpy she is because of lack of sleep, and unfortunately she doesn't sleep in later in the mornings to compensate. The other day at nursery she feel asleep at 5pm (which then obviously didn't help her to settle at night).

When DH is home later from work for a few nights everything goes much smoother. In the past I have put my foot down and made sure we are very consistent for a few nights which has worked, but I am expecting DC2 in a few weeks and don't have the energy to push through establishing a routine on behalf of both of us because if it's to work it means I have to do everything and get up to her in the night every time to give a consistent message. I also feel it's unfair on her to have a few nights of 'pain' getting a routine in place only for that to be thrown out the window when DH is in charge e.g. whilst I'm in hospital having DC2 or something.

I have had to to compromise and be more relaxed then I would be on my own but this is pure necessity because I know when the baby comes, more will fall to DH for a bit and I simply can't control how he does things.

Sorry there's no easy answer but just wanted to say that I know how you feel!

I also wonder if I leave DH to it again for a bit when the baby comes, and being on paternity leave he will be around to see the consequences, he might reach his own conclusion about the benefits of imposing a reasonable bedtime on DD1 but I won't hold my breath!

[beesimo]

PP

OPs posts where about problems in her home due to bairn not going to bed/sleep and getting overtired ect. I was simply trying to say what worked for me we had no problems with 4 out of our 5, youngest twinny was very sickly from birth. I was not making any judgment on adults watching t.v

What worked for us.

Exercise in fresh air
Proper feeding we don't feed our horses rubbish therefore our bairns don't eat or drink rubbish too much sugar/sugary drinks sends bairns haywire FACT
They had a routine we stuck to for THEIR benefit as they thrive in routine.
They were bathed and teeth done quietly no revving up and get overexcited.
They always had a hotwater bottle in bed as a warm bed encourages sleep
Bedrooms unheated except in deep Winter
Our house went quiet round bedtime as bairns are the most curious creatures on earth and they don't want to miss out on anything 'exciting
So TV ect off for the bedtime routine which never took more than 1hr. They all were fast asleep within 7pm to 8pm then you can have your adult time.

It would do my head in clarting about for hours and hours and I do think if you have a problem in your home it is up to the adults to resolve it not add to it by carrying on like a wet hen.

[messybessie]

I sympathise. Ds1 is a nightmare sleeper and although DH blames me for fussing too much. However he doesn't understand that DS has a point of tiredness which is a nightmare if he goes beyond. Once his leg starts twitching it's all over and he can't switch off.

We had a lovely day out yesterday and were on our feet all day. FIL turned up at 7:30, just as dS was on his last chapter and his lids were heavy.

He got up to see Grandad and DH said grandad could read another story. DS was still leaping around upstairs until gone 10:30, despite finally going to bed at 8.

DH was cross as he expected him to lie down and go to sleep but he simply couldn't. DH then threatening to throw toys in bin etc buy dS has gone past the point of reason.

Still up at 7:20 today and is twitchy and hyper.

However, what DS does appreciate is being allowed to stay up on a Saturday after his brother has gone to bed. We have been watching the Star Wars films and he was due to watch Return on the Jedi tonight. He has forfeited it now because of his behaviour last night. It's not a punishment as such, just that he won't have enough energy and therefore can't stay up.

I can't offer any advice really as I'm rubbish with children's sleep but hope things improve.

[messybessie]

Beeismo. It is actually not true that sugar affects children's behaviour. It doesn't. However, it does affect parents perception of behaviour and the assumption that they will be hyperbin some way causes this.

There's been research and everything!

[beesimo]

messybessie

See my post above there is nowt wrong with your lad he sounds as lively as a cricket which is why you the MAM must be the one to get him into a routine and try and stick to it.

btw DH threatning to chuck bairns toys is a classic example of 'revving it up'
as if there is anything going to keep the bairn awake it is threatning his toys.

[beesimo]

Messy Bessie

I don't go by any reports or reasearch as you don't even know whose pockets the reasearchers are in I go by the evidence of my own eyes. THIS IS NOT TRYING TO BE NASTY OR SMUG TWAT. Your feed and 'water' correctly and you go a long way to having a healthy fit strong animal and a bairn is no different.

Look at the shopping trollies containing rubbish food then look at the spotty bloated out Mam and bairns with tired washed out faces a walking behind it.

[messybessie]

No I see that, and there is a difference I think between sugar and rubbish.

However, I think the point I was trying to make is that often children live up to our expectations. I certainly think that DS has fed off the tension and stress I have about his bedtime, and railed against it.

For a longtime we had a consistent bedtime routine. This would consist if bath, stories, bed, me being anxious about his sleep, him not going to sleep. Every night. Without deviation.

Part if me agrees with you but I think you have to realise that sometimes it's a bit more complicated than food and water.

[beesimo]

I didn't say it wasn't!

[ScrotalPantomime]

too much sugar/sugary drinks sends bairns haywire FACT

Ahahahahaha

[SunshineisSorry]

beesimo, your list of what you do and don't do is actually very helpful, thankyou - all you need to do now is learn how to put things across politely without sounding judgemental.

Thing is, children aren't horses - but i can forgive you that because I have often tried techniques i use training my dogs on my DD and sometimes, it actually works, now SIT!