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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to in-laws at DS's birthday party?

26 replies

Jane054848 · 03/06/2011 15:34

It's my DS's 3rd birthday on Saturday and my friend just texted me yesterday to say that there might be a lot of them coming, as her husbands' family was in town (they live abroad). She said that I should let her know if that was a problem and she could put them off. We've never met them.

I said veeeery politely that I'd rather they didn't come as we were stressed about numbers in our tiny house - true. I said if that caused difficulties she should let us know.

But the other reason we'd really rather not have them is that we wanted to keep it just to our family, plus DS's best friends and their parents, all of whom he knows well. It's his first party and I don't want it to be too overwhelming. If we were going to widen the circle, there are a lot of people who'd be higher up our wish-list!

BUT - now she isn't responding to calls or texts so am worried she is really pissed off with me.

So AIBU? I feel like the in-laws could just entertain themselves for two hours. But have I misunderstood kid's party etiquette - is it usually come one, come all? I have to say it has ended up pretty big - 8 kids and 20 adults - so there's an argument that 2 strangers would just get lost in the mix and not be a problem. Also it sounds as though she's already invited them so might be really awkward for her to cancel them.

Thanks!

OP posts:
colditz · 03/06/2011 15:36

YANBU! You cannot turn up at someone else's child's party with all your inlaws!"

FoxyRevenger · 03/06/2011 15:37

Hmm I think I would have just let them come. What's two more people, really, and it would have made things easier for your friend.

But then I'm a doormat like that Grin

ChaoticAngelbitchfromhell · 03/06/2011 15:37

YANBU

worraliberty · 03/06/2011 15:39

YANBU but can't she just send her child to the party and pick him up after?

I never really think to invite adults to my kid's parties...well apart from the GPs.

swash · 03/06/2011 15:40

Yanbu. Why would you want another child's grandparents at your ds's party!!! Absolutely fine to say no.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 03/06/2011 15:46

YANBU I hate the turn up with siblings scenario (I'm ok if it's been discussed first) but in-laws No way, they are adults and more than capable of looking after themselves for a couple of hours.

It may well be that your firnd can't come but as you're already struggling with numbers, no loss really!

HushedTones · 03/06/2011 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jane054848 · 03/06/2011 16:14

OK well thanks everyone, that's a relief!

OP posts:
plupervert · 03/06/2011 16:19

She did ask! Even if it was only for form, it is a problem: small house, small child. She will have to lump it. I'm sure you can meet up on another occasion.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/06/2011 16:20

It's going to be nice weather, move everybody out to the garden tomorrow. :)

Katisha · 03/06/2011 16:22

GOod god no - you don't want someone else's inlaws at your child's birthday party.
She is bonkers to assume it was going to be OK.

duffybeatmetoit · 03/06/2011 16:39

I was going to say YANBU but I see the in-laws live abroad and I guess will be wanting to spend as much time as possible with their dgc whilst they are here (I'm assuming it's a short stay rather than being here for several weeks). I imagine your friend is in a very difficult position trying to juggle her in-laws wanting to be with dgc and her dc wanting to come to your party. In this situation I would try to be accommodating.

plupervert · 03/06/2011 16:44

Surely, also, they knew about the inlaws' visit before the party was arranged. In such circumstances, some families just refuse all invitations while the guests are there. SWBU to double-book!

(Also, if her kids are also 1-ish, like yours, there is a good chance they won't actually realise plans have changed and they are not going to a party). Either way, there's no pressing reason for her to bring the extras to you!

Original poster
Jane054848 · 03/06/2011 16:45

They're from the US so I assume they are here for a quite a while - but I take your point - I would probably say yes, even though I don't want them there, just to smooth things over but my DH is ADAMANT that he doesn't want them so i will need to do a lot of nagging if I'm going to get him to agree...!

OP posts:
inthesticks · 03/06/2011 16:48

20 adults at a 3 year old's party Shock. Who's party is it again?

diddl · 03/06/2011 16:48

I´d say no-surely they can have a couple of hrs with their own son whilst GC is at a party?

Melly19MummyToBe · 03/06/2011 16:56

YANBU, she even said to tell her if it was a problem so you would think that she would be almost expecting it to be a problem! IYSWIM?

diddl · 03/06/2011 17:01

TBH, I´d expect her to come alone with her child, or say sorry her son can´t come afterall.

I can´t see at all why she would even think of asking if her ILs could come.

But looking at the ratio of children & adults-is it a kids party or not?

Nuttychic · 03/06/2011 17:04

YANBU if you had the space then it would have been no problem at all Im sure. I understand it has probably left her in a bit of a sticky position but she did ask you to tell her if it was a problem. I personally, would just say bring them but thats not to say I would be right :o

troisgarcons · 03/06/2011 17:06

Depends how well she knows you - if she's aclose friend then she can ask a favour - mind you that doesn'r mean you have to say yes!

Lets pray for jet lag to catch up with them tomorrow!

As for them wanting to spend time with grandchildren - the grand children have been invited out - so it's hardly as if they could monopolise thair attention is sit?

Bit rude TBH but I'd probably say yes!

diddl · 03/06/2011 17:10

Am I the only one who if ILs were visiting, would jump at the chance of a couple of hours out?BlushGrin

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 17:14

No YANBU, she is being weird. You don't take your in-laws with you to a party your child has been invited to. Maybe it's just because you are very close that she thought it would be ok?

She was the one who suggested putting them off so she probably isn't upset with you, it was her idea!. Maybe she is just busy at the moment. I would stop texting and calling otherwise you are going to look weird and desperate.

Original poster
Jane054848 · 03/06/2011 19:41

TotallyLovely, I like the "weird and desperate" comment! Very true I'm sure!

Re the ratio of adults to kids - it is just the 8 kids' parents plus our child's 4 grandparents.

I did say no to my friend, and she seems quite shirty about it. But it was either that or shirty DH and I have to put up with him for longer.

Thanks all!

OP posts:
TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 19:47

Didn't mean to offend. It's just that the more you try to contact her the more guilty you look to her as you'll give the impression you have something to feel bad about, which you don't at all.

diddl · 03/06/2011 22:08

Thinking again though, since there are so many adults, sge probably though that another couple wouldn´t matter.

I´ve never known a set up with children & both parents.