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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a spare key to be used for emergencies only and not to 'pop in' when we're at work!

86 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 08:27

I?ve posted on here before about the problem I have with my inlaws letting themselves into our house with the ?spare? key when we are at work (they drop off mail which will fit through our letter box and items we could easily pick up from them on our visits) and I thought it had stopped. But it happened again yesterday and I?m fuming!

I know you all advised me to get the key off them ? but I just couldn?t bring myself to upset them by asking for it back.

I didn?t say anything to DH but he knows my feelings about it. I like my house to look clean, tidy and to welcome guests in ? not find out they?ve ?popped by? when there are bras hanging on the bathroom door, manky pots and private bills/letters on the side. I also have a feeling they bring our neices who have a habit of running straight to our bedroom and riffling through jewellery and under our bed! My parents wouldn?t dream of doing this ? so maybe it?s just I was brought up with more privacy?

So ? I text this morning to say thank you for the items they dropped off and that they should have called by when we were in. It was polite enough to mean ?then you could have seen US and had a brew? but I?m hoping it also planted the seed that I want them to only call by when we?re in! What do you think?

I?m stressing about this as I?m pregnant and petrified they?ll pop round unannounced when I?m bf or catching a snooze when baby is asleep ? or even worse ? if I?m in my pj?s mid-day! Wink

Please don?t get me wrong and think that I don?t like my inlaws ? I love them dearly! But our house is OUR house and I?m just sick of this happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 15:04

Ouch - that's harsh!

But noted Wink

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 03/06/2011 15:39

oh, we had to head this off, we moved to close to PIL 2 months before we had DS, and IL's got spare key. We took a 2 pronged approach:

1/ they had keys to both the front door locks, but not the porch door. to start with, we never locked the porch so wasn't an issue (the previous owners had 3 sets for the front door but only 2 for the porch, I guess they did the same thing). I started keeping the pram in the porch and locking it while I was in the house as i didn't want something that cost that much stolen etc. If we were all going away, we'd leave the porch unlocked for emergancy access, and after all, that's all you've got the key for, right? Wink

2/ I aquired "difficult parents" - took MIL to one side before i had DS, said to her I was worried about my parents, they are really just the sort to just turn up, and "gosh isn't it so rude to just turn up unannounced to a house with a newborn" and i was worried they'll get all excited and outstay their welcome, and I asked MIL if she thought I should put a 'no turning up at our house without calling first' rule when the baby comes? How many hours should I limit visits too? Did she think it would be too rude to tell my mum that, or could she think of a way to phrase it? And of course MIL, I know you won't just pop in without calling first as you know just how many appointments you have in the first few months and the importance of settling into a routine, but you're fine with having the same rules for both sets of Grandparents aren't you...

PorkChopSter · 03/06/2011 15:48

It costs £16.99 to get a new inside bit of the lock

Just do it Wink

Then have the chat if you need to. Pre-arranged visits only once you are horrendously pregnant and for the first few weeks only will help tremendously though.

clam · 03/06/2011 16:13

Hmm, interesting that your FIL justified his visit. I think that he at least might have got the hint. Just remains for him to tell his wife!

nomedoit · 04/06/2011 04:09

ninedragons, presumably those emigrate-to-Australia forms would be buried in a pile of post on the kitchen counter?

Safariboots · 04/06/2011 04:23

Fakeplastictrees, sly move there Wink

Safariboots · 04/06/2011 04:24

With the 'difficult parents' and asking for 'suggestions', I mean.

everlong · 04/06/2011 04:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsbiscuits · 04/06/2011 06:48

Oh my, such hoop jumping....tantrum or no tantrum just tell them. You don't have to be rude just assertive. If you don't set your own boundaries about what is acceptable then you can't moan when family and friends inadvertently break them all the time. You will not be able to go through your whole married life without pissing your inlaws off at some point and believe me, unless they are complete control freaks they'll get over it.

lettinggo · 04/06/2011 10:22

My dad used to do this. He's just let himself in when he came. In fairness to him, whenever he came, it was to do some job for us but he's a real early bird and DH is anything but so DH used to be mad when my dad would just put the key in the door when DH wasn't even dressed.
I couldn't have taken the key back, changed the lock etc as we needed Still do) my dad as he's great at fixing things etc, so I just took the "modh díreach" as we say in Irish and told him straight to only use the key if we weren't here, that he had to ring the bell first when he saw the car.
It's a bit different to your situation because my dad being here doesn't bother either of us. And my dad has a thick skin and could take straight talking.

My ILs used to have a key to our house. I'm not sure how it happened that they got one. One day I arrived home from school to find the two of them drinking tea and eating biscuits at my kitchen table. "We were early so we just let ourselves in." I was ripping mad but DH couldn't see the problem as my dad had the key also and we were fine with him letting himself in when we weren't here. So I took the round-about route that time. As was suggested by many posters here, I "lost" my key so my dad had to change the lock. ILs were never given another key and no sitaution ever arose where they could have asked for one.

In your situation, if you don't want to have an actual confrontation, I'd use FakePlasticTree's plan of inventing "difficult parents or neighbours" who have a key. Brilliantly devious!

DaisySteiner · 04/06/2011 10:31

In the short term it might seem easier to get your dh to use some tenuous reason about you being hormonal in order to get the key back, but in the long run I really think you'd be better off by putting some boundaries in place and saying 'I want my key back please'. It is your house, your decision to make. If you don't stand up for yourself now, the next thing will be her overstepping the mark with the baby etc etc.

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