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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a spare key to be used for emergencies only and not to 'pop in' when we're at work!

86 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 08:27

I?ve posted on here before about the problem I have with my inlaws letting themselves into our house with the ?spare? key when we are at work (they drop off mail which will fit through our letter box and items we could easily pick up from them on our visits) and I thought it had stopped. But it happened again yesterday and I?m fuming!

I know you all advised me to get the key off them ? but I just couldn?t bring myself to upset them by asking for it back.

I didn?t say anything to DH but he knows my feelings about it. I like my house to look clean, tidy and to welcome guests in ? not find out they?ve ?popped by? when there are bras hanging on the bathroom door, manky pots and private bills/letters on the side. I also have a feeling they bring our neices who have a habit of running straight to our bedroom and riffling through jewellery and under our bed! My parents wouldn?t dream of doing this ? so maybe it?s just I was brought up with more privacy?

So ? I text this morning to say thank you for the items they dropped off and that they should have called by when we were in. It was polite enough to mean ?then you could have seen US and had a brew? but I?m hoping it also planted the seed that I want them to only call by when we?re in! What do you think?

I?m stressing about this as I?m pregnant and petrified they?ll pop round unannounced when I?m bf or catching a snooze when baby is asleep ? or even worse ? if I?m in my pj?s mid-day! Wink

Please don?t get me wrong and think that I don?t like my inlaws ? I love them dearly! But our house is OUR house and I?m just sick of this happening.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 03/06/2011 10:59

yes... what post are they delivering? If DH is still getting post at his parents could you fill in one of those post office forms to have it re-directed? Then inform all the people still writing to his parent's address that he has a new one, infact just do that anyway.

CroissantNeuf · 03/06/2011 11:00

I would get the keys back by saying that you need them to give to your neighbour who is doing a favour for you whilst you are out (eg. accepting delivery of a parcel/fixing something in your house) and then just never give them back

Or do what others have said about changing the locks and not get round to giving them a new set of spares

Lunabelly · 03/06/2011 11:00

A satanic altar with a live goat tied up nearby.

Lunabelly · 03/06/2011 11:01

The goat thing was obviously in reply to 'something horrific they'd see as soon as they walked in'...

catwhiskers10 · 03/06/2011 11:42

Everyone is right when they say it will get worse when the baby arrives. They will be popping in unannounced to 'help out' with the baby/chores and your house won't be your own. Even the nicest ILs seem to go a bit mad when a new baby comes along You need to get the key back before it gets to that stage.
I can understand you not wanting to upset them, especially if your MIL is sensitive so if it were me I would get DH to ask for the key back with the excuse that he has lost his key meaning you don't have to get involved at all.
Alternatively I would do as other posters have suggested and 'lock myself out' , get the spare key off them and not ever get round to having another one cut. You'd have to make sure that they didn't ask your DH for another key though as you said he doesn't see the problem with them letting themselves in. You really need to get your DH on your side with this one.

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 11:48

Also once you get the key back lose it!

It's going to take some work for you DH to understand why it upset you so you may have to pick some points about it which he won't like. Like they might see his porn collection/sexy outfit you've born to wear for him/means you can't walk around naked etc.

Only you know him and know what would bother him.

ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 11:57

I don't think you should lie or change the locks. You need to be honest now or it'll keep being an issue.

DP needs to sort it really. I think it'd be fair to give an ultimatum - if they can prove they will respect your privacy, they can keep the key, but if they continue to abuse it then you need it back.

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 12:01

You could make it light hearted and say it gives you the willies (whilst smiling) to have people in your house when you aren't there?

nomedoit · 03/06/2011 12:02

Changing the locks is not expensive if you just change the barrel of the Yale. You don't need to change the deadlock. I would change the Yale and have done with it. Not worth stressing over...

ElizabethDarcy · 03/06/2011 12:04

Out out out! Your house is a home not a train station. DH needs to grow some and deal with his folks.

sherbetpips · 03/06/2011 12:05

Got to say it doesnt really bother me much, if you give people a key they will come in, especially family. Solution wise the best thing to do is get the locks changed although you will stress out each time they ask for the new key. Good luck.

bluebobbin · 03/06/2011 12:05

Change the locks.

My mum has a key to my house (I live with DH and 2DC). She also has a key to DB and SIL house (no kids).

She is allowed to use her key to my house if I am not here. I don't mind and DH doesn't mind. She also used her key to DB's house when he was single whenever. But, now SIL lives there as well, my mum knows that it is totally inappropriate for her to use the key, unless asked to. My mum did not need to be told this - it is blindingly obvious. Your PILs do not seem to see these boudaries so you need to change the locks.

ZombieWhirl · 03/06/2011 12:11

Get the key back to 'lend to a friend'.

Get a keysafe keysafe

Put it somewhere inlaws will find it trick to access. High up / low down. Now you have a spare key for emergencies so they don't need one to have one.

Tell them the wrong combination. So if they try to sneakily let themselves in they can't. A few wasted trips and you are sorted.

chicletteeth · 03/06/2011 12:24

Can you not just say, we'd like the keys back please. I they ask why, say I'm off on mat leave soon and there is no need for a spare to be circulating and to be honest, I may well be in various states of undress/napping/breastfeeding etc. and I'd rather you didn't let yourself in, so there is no need for a key; you can knock"

I really don't see the problem here.

mrsbiscuits · 03/06/2011 12:28

I think that you need to tell them that your understanding of them having a spare key is for emergencies only and that if they intend to come over at any other time you would like the to call and ask. If they can't respect this then the only solution is to take the key from them...not easy I know but these things never are x

Rhinestone · 03/06/2011 13:54

You must grow a pair and deal with this.

Phone them up and tell them you need the key back. When they ask why say it is because you have asked them on many occasions not to come round unannounced but they haven't done as asked and so you no longer want them to have a key. Repeat ad nauseum.

zipzap · 03/06/2011 13:57

Make sure that you/dh ask for the key back in person and not over the phone otherwise the first thing they are likely to do is whizz out and get a new one cut so they still have their set of your keys.

And I bet they think of them as their set rather than your emergency set Grin

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 14:06

Thanks for all your help but asking for the key back will seriously cause tantrums. I know DH needs to tell them and then they'll be so mortified we feel like that they'll stop.

Leave it with me ...

And yes - I do need to grow some but I seriously don't want to be the DIL from h*ll that 'changed' their darling boy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 14:15

to throw another possible solution in the mix ... do you think it'd go down better with the inlaws if DH told them it's something we've decided for when baby comes along and we've told my parents too?

So that I'm prepared for visitors (PHONE FIRST!) and can get baby in a routine without having to worry about interuptions?

I don't care if he blames it on my hormones - I just want it to stop!

P.S - It's not 4 or 5 times a day like a previous posters IL's but maybe once every couple of months and it's not mail anymore it's baby items ... which is why I feel so bad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 14:20

oh ... I also got a response from FIL saying that he'd had to get something from a specialised shop near out house and thought he'd drop them round. MIL will have suggested it (remember they think this is normal) ... I was quite suprised that he'd defended why he'd dropped them off so maybe it did sink in a bit after all!

OP posts:
pinkcupcakefairy · 03/06/2011 14:21

Could you get your husband to talk to his parents and say something along the lines of it hasn't been an issue before (blatant lie) but that you are getting stressed with the imminent arrival of your baby about people just coming into the house when you or the baby could be asleep, you could be half naked breast feeding, not having the house tidy etc, and that he wants to do whatever he can to relieve this stress so he is asking both sets of parents to no longer let themselves in and to pre arrange visits so as to relieve your stress (could say something about stress levels harming baby).

He can put this across in a way that doesn't make them feel they have been upsetting you and that yes it may be hormonal but that he really wants to support his wife in this and would really appreciate his parents help to do whatever is necessary to make you feel comfortable during this time.

It would also then be good to arrange times for them to come round or for you to visit to begin with to show them that you are not trying to shut them out, just spare your & their blushes in the future.

If your husband can have this conversation with them I hardly think your MIL can get upset as she shouldn't be getting an impression she has upset you more that possible embarrassing situations in the future could arise & your husband is just trying to eliminate this risk out of consideration for his pregnant wife.

Don't know if this suggestion is of any use to you but it seems non-confrontational & an easy way to start establishing boundaries in a friendly way.

Hope that helps

Jemma1111 · 03/06/2011 14:25

Op, I recently found out a cousin of mine was letting himself into my home (with the emergency key) whilst I was at work!

He was stealing my food, using my computer etc, helping himself to hot drinks and fuck knows what else the scumbag was up to I will never know.
Oh and it was going on for over 2 bloody years! Angry

Original poster
Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 14:25

Pinkcupcakefairy you are a genius! This is just the kind of thing I'd like DH to do! It doesn't upset anyone but puts the point across ... and if they don't stick to it, it can then step up a gear as they are not sticking to something he specifically asked for.

Now ... just to convince DH to say it!

OP posts:
pinkcupcakefairy · 03/06/2011 14:34

I'm glad you like the idea. Smile

I can't imagine you PIL objecting if he points out things like waking you & the baby, possible being half naked breast feeding (am sure that will work on FIL Wink) etc. They would have to be incredibly self centred and selfish to think it doesn't matter because they are family.

As long as he mentions he's asking your parents too and would like to start now to help you relax you should be well on your way to having things how you want them.

Oh, and should they ignore the request there doesn't need to be a major confrontation either. He can simply tell them how really upset & disappointed he is that his parents can't respect a very simple request to help a pregnant woman feel more comfortable & in control at a very stressful time that he has no choice but to ask for the key back to solve the issue.

ninedragons · 03/06/2011 14:35

On a thread like this a year or so ago there was a genius suggestion to print out the forms to emigrate to Australia, and leave them where snooping MIL would be bound to spot them.