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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a spare key to be used for emergencies only and not to 'pop in' when we're at work!

86 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 03/06/2011 08:27

I?ve posted on here before about the problem I have with my inlaws letting themselves into our house with the ?spare? key when we are at work (they drop off mail which will fit through our letter box and items we could easily pick up from them on our visits) and I thought it had stopped. But it happened again yesterday and I?m fuming!

I know you all advised me to get the key off them ? but I just couldn?t bring myself to upset them by asking for it back.

I didn?t say anything to DH but he knows my feelings about it. I like my house to look clean, tidy and to welcome guests in ? not find out they?ve ?popped by? when there are bras hanging on the bathroom door, manky pots and private bills/letters on the side. I also have a feeling they bring our neices who have a habit of running straight to our bedroom and riffling through jewellery and under our bed! My parents wouldn?t dream of doing this ? so maybe it?s just I was brought up with more privacy?

So ? I text this morning to say thank you for the items they dropped off and that they should have called by when we were in. It was polite enough to mean ?then you could have seen US and had a brew? but I?m hoping it also planted the seed that I want them to only call by when we?re in! What do you think?

I?m stressing about this as I?m pregnant and petrified they?ll pop round unannounced when I?m bf or catching a snooze when baby is asleep ? or even worse ? if I?m in my pj?s mid-day!

Please don?t get me wrong and think that I don?t like my inlaws ? I love them dearly! But our house is OUR house and I?m just sick of this happening.

OP posts:

ScroobiousPip · 03/06/2011 09:15

No, YANBU but YABU for not dealing with this earlier. Whether you go for honestly or clam's suggestion of the next door neighbour being a more convenient keyholder (although it puts the neighbour in an awkward spot if your PIL ask her outright for the spare key, for some 'emergency'), is your choice but you need to stop procrastinating.

Personally, I'd think it worth a few days of upset with PIL now, before baby arrives, for the long term gain (better than resentment building up) but that's your call.

poopnscoop · 03/06/2011 09:23

This intrusion into your life and home will only WORSEN when your baby is born. You need to deal with this now. Get the keys back, use whatever excuse you deem fit.

AurraSing · 03/06/2011 09:24

I think you are going to have to be honest and tell them you are not happy with them letting themselves in. Use the new baby/new routines as an excuse, but you will have to be blunt. My sister had this problem with her Mil, she temporally got her key back by saying the builder needed it, but after the work was done MIL asked for for it back and sis couldn't think of a good reason quick enough. Bewarned!

troisgarcons · 03/06/2011 09:34

Out of curiosity - do you still have a key to your parents home? I always did and I'd walk in. Same with my parents, I'd expect them to walk in and yoo-hoo! Mind you dad was always doing odd jobs when we were at work, or picking up and dropping off drycleaning etc!

clam · 03/06/2011 09:43

"or picking up and dropping off drycleaning etc!"
Really? How much dry cleaning do you get through then?

But I do think it's different here as it's the OP's in-laws who are doing the popping. The DH is fine with it, but then they're his parents.

poopnscoop · 03/06/2011 09:47

I wouldn't be fine with this were it my mum or my in-laws... or even my best friend! I value my privacy far too much.

My sister has an emergency key but has never had to use it... as there has never been an emergency. That's the idea for it... it's not given as a right to treat your home as a second home, at their whim.

troisgarcons · 03/06/2011 09:51

clam Fri 03-Jun-11 09:43:12
"or picking up and dropping off drycleaning etc!"
Really? How much dry cleaning do you get through then?

I don't lug clothes on a train in and out of London. Locally I wouldn't have been back to pick it up before the shop shut and would have to wait for a w/end. As my parents were retired and Hubs parents were working, it was my parents who kindly did those little chores whilst we were working.

Her inlaws, his parents. But it's their home so what ever she's comfortable with. As I come from a close community where dorrs are never locked and people wander in and out everyones houses on a whim, I personally don't have an issue with it.

appleballcatdog · 03/06/2011 09:55

It will get worse when the baby is born. You need to gently lay some ground rules NOW before it is born or you will be very stressed at a time when you need space and quiet. My mil did this so we "borrowed" the key back and kept forgetting to get one cut. When she did ask again we told her our neighbour had it as its more convenient!

CJMommy · 03/06/2011 09:57

I remember your last thread on this. Sorry to say but you really need to sort this out! You and Dh together either need to be up front with them-any upset will be long forgotten when the baby arrives or, as previously suggested, 'lock' yourself out, borrow the key back and never return it! You do really need to deal with this now though as it will only get worse when baby arrives.

sooz28 · 03/06/2011 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 03/06/2011 10:01

I think, given your second post, you need to have a conversation with your husband about this. Don't say you know it's silly, just say you really do need privacy once the baby is born and you'd like him to get the key back. If he makes a fuss then tell him that it's really important for your own happiness that you feel supported by him at a time when emotions will be all over the place and when you will be learning new things with your new baby. If he still makes a fuss tell him that you are surprised that he wouldn't want you to feel happy and relaxed during such a big change in your lives and that you will just have to ask PIL yourself if he won't.

I know my DH din't really understand my need for privacy when I was waiting for my baby to be born but he did finally get that however silly it seemed to him, my feelings needed to be taken seriously.

Icelollycraving · 03/06/2011 10:01

Don't think hints will ever work but hard if they are nice pil! I'm suprised how many of these threads pop up tbh. I'm v private & would feel uncomfortable with this too.
You need to say you would appreciate seeing them when they visit & not to pop up with post etc or you don't get the benefit if their company. Say oooh at least you can call ahead soon,I'd be v embarrassed if you turned up & I was bf,say it to fil who will probably blush stammer & think god I want to avoid that too!

ccpccp · 03/06/2011 10:08

What sooz28 said.

Change the lock, then dont give a new key. A couple of 'we'll get one cut next time were in town' excuses and they'll drop it.

If they dont then they are they types who will need telling anyway. Get your DH to do it.

TheCrackFox · 03/06/2011 10:11

I would move an hours drive away (drastic I know) but she has all the hallmarks of turing into the MIL from hell once the baby has been born.

JunoWatt · 03/06/2011 10:12

agree with locks
we had to haev a new one fitted as ours bust and it wasnt so much. also it costs a LOT to have copies of this key made - is something swanky, so use that as an excuse. say a mate of yours nearby has the spare

MumblingRagDoll · 03/06/2011 10:16

I do think you will have to be politely blunt..."I think we're going to need the spare key back MIL...it will be handy to have another and as Im ging to be in all the time when the baby arrives, you wont ned it anymore"

would that work?

WassaAxolotlEgg · 03/06/2011 10:19

Change the locks.

TheMonster · 03/06/2011 10:20

I could not put up with it.
Locking yourself out is a good idea and it will avoid the conversation that you don't want to have.
How about getting a scary dog?

WhoAteMySnickers · 03/06/2011 10:23

Make sure you're in one day when it is likely they will let themselves in. Then when they come thru the front door, run out of your bedroom naked, brandishing a baseball bat, screaming at the top of your lungs. Tell them you were about to get into the shower and thought they were a burglar. Scream at them that they have given you the fright of your life and demand the key back.

They will be so shocked they will hand the key over, run out, and it will never be mentioned again.

There are, alternatively, 100 different ways of getting your key back off them, from simply asking them, to pretending you've lost your key and need their spare. This is really not a difficult problem to deal with.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 03/06/2011 10:24

What mail do they drop off? Surely if it's for you then you can have change the address so it comes straight to your house?

B52s · 03/06/2011 10:25

Yes, but it's been going on for a while and OP hasn't actually done anything about it. So it will continue and get worse after the baby is born. Then OP will start another thread similar to this one and the last and we'll all say exactly the same thing again. I think OP is destined to be unhappy with this forever, as she's clearly not going to be firm enough with them. Or her DP.

OP, your bed...

GandTiceandaslice · 03/06/2011 10:27

When you've had the baby & you're home, put the lock on.
Or put a note on the outside of the door to let "tradespeople" know you're sleeping.
It's a bit rude to just go into someones house when they're not there, without permission.

InWithTheITCrowd · 03/06/2011 10:35

Newmummytobe - I know how you feel. My In Laws did this all the time when DH and I first got married. They were genuinely trying to help us out, I think, but I remember waking up one Sunday Morning and wondering what "that noise" was - to find FIL mowing our back garden lawn - with the mower from our shed, so he must have come in the house to get the shed key, whilst we were in bed! It's so weird, and so hard to tell them to stop when a) they're not your folks (even though you get on with them) and b) when they're actually doing nice things for you!

Another time, I'd finished work and came home to find the front door unlocked - assumed DH had got in from work early, and walked in saying "bit of afternoon delight then, eh. sexy?" to find my FIL standing on a step-ladder fixing our dining room light! Mortified doesn't even come close to describing how I felt!

Eventually, I got DH to have a word with them about coming round (it helped that I used to work shifts, so we used me sleeping in the day as an excuse) and they don't any more.
I don't know what to suggest about when you're out (and I'd shudder to think anyone could let themselves into my house when I'm at work, with my manky pots in the sink etc) - but why not get a bolt for the door as well, that you can bolt when you're in, so that if you are snoozing or BFing, then you can happily ignore the front door...

Hope you get it sorted

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 10:41

I'm thinking some horrific to scare them into never doing it again. Preferably something they would see as soon as they walk in the door . . .

any ideas?

EssexGurl · 03/06/2011 10:52

In his single days, DH had a lodger. One day the lodger was about to call the police as he heard movement downstairs at 7am. Turns out it was DH's parents arriving for a visit early. I really wish that lodger had called the police and given THEM a shock. When we moved to our house together, we just never gave them a key. When they come to visit they still arrive at the crack of dawn. One day we let them sit in the car for an hour as we were having a lie in. They now know not to come so early.

Maybe take the police tack with them. Ring them up concerned one day to say that someone has been in the house while you were at work and you aren't sure what was missing so you are about to call the police. Maybe that will stop them!

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