should we tell colleague we aren't doing a collection for her wedding or just leave her to be surprised when no money is produced for her

[takethisonehereforastart]

A colleague at work is getting married later in the year. There is some bad feeling about her at the moment and most members of our small team (of six people) have said they are not prepared to chip into a collection to buy her a gift.

As background. Two and a half years ago she got married for the second time. We collected over £150 for them and gave them the money as they wanted to buy a new household appliance with it. They received a lot of money from our management too and some of the customers also had a collection for her. At the reception her new husband took all the money from all the cards and put them aside without even looking who had sent them. He then started using the money to buy alcohol with. They didn't thank anybody for any of the gifts and they didn't buy the new appliance. They did spend a lot of money on alcohol and ran up a lot of debts with rent and council tax etc as well as borrowing money from friends.

Just over a year after they got married the new husband died (pre-existing heart condition) and we had another collection, close to £200 just from us, again more from the management and customers. Our colleague also made about £15,000 from the sale of the house she had owned with her first husband. She paid off some of the debts and finally bought the new appliance and other furniture and made a downpayment on her second husbands grave and headstone. She took several months off work to recover and we covered her work as best we could, a lot of extra work for everyone but in the circumstances it was the right thing to do. People made a big effort to look after her, taking her shopping, giving her things she said she needed, driving her about to appointments and the cemetary, inviting her for Christmas etc. One man even left his wife and children on Christmas day to collect her from someone elses house and drive her to the cemetary to visit.

What we didn't know is that within less than a month of her husband dying our colleague was living with his friend as a couple, although she kept this secret at first.

When we found out we felt a bit shocked but it's her business. They are planning to get married later this year, less than two years since her second husband died.

The bad feeling has arisen because since then she has borrowed money, ran up more debts, her new partner doesn't work and she recently asked to reduce her hours to 16 per week because she wants to claim carers allowence from him (but he does not need a carer and she may not get it, he had a biggish operation but is otherwise back to full health and can walk, use the loo, dress himself etc with no problems, he goes out to the pub etc.) She reduced her hours at such short notice that someone else had to cancel a holiday to cover for her. Other people have had bereavements and partners who have been ill or lost jobs in this time and she has never once shown the concern she received.

She expects a lot of favours in regards to picking and chosing the best hours to work etc or having people swap shifts with her if necessary but doesn't do the same in return. She spends a lot of time complaining about everything.

Last week she told us that she wants to buy a new bed and so could we just give her the money again when she gets married rather than use it to buy something for her. We are not invited to the wedding, none of it. Not the hen party, not the service, not the reception or the evening piss up party. Even colleagues who have worked with her for over 20 years have not been invited.

And so my colleagues have said (privately) they are not going to buy her anything or give to a collection. One of them is new and already has had several run-in's with our colleague because she is bossy and hard to get on with, one has two children and her husband is only getting sporadic agency work and one is saying that she is not giving money for a new bed when she knows full well it will be spent on gin (as per last time).

I've known the colleague a long time and even I feel that I don't want to give to a collection.

Would we be more unreasonable to tell her so in advance of the wedding or should we just leave it and see if she says anything when no collection money is offered to her. It doesn't seem to have crossed her mind that we won't be doing a collection for her at all.

I wouldn't have thought carer's allowance would be more money than she gets paid now? I don't see how she'll be any better off.

It's a third wedding - chuck her a copy of Miss Manners and point out that you don't get anything for a second wedding, let alone a third one.

YADDNBU!!!! She has a blooming cheek even expecting to get anything, never mind asking!!!
I know people might disagree, but if I give money, I would like the bride and groom to spend it on something that they need e.g. a washing machine, new bed etc, a nice night out together if they don't really need anything specific, or maybe to pay an unexpected bill e.g someone mentioned a new boiler.

I'b be really annoyed if one of them started spending it on booze at the reception without even looking to see who had given them what, never mind thanking them!

I've been married twice (first time was a very very quiet small wedding. Was incredibly surprised at the number of gifts and monies given and from whom. everyone got a hand-written thank you with details of what we bought. But then, I just consider that to be good manners.)

My second wedding was quite big cos dh wanted that and a lot of people gave us money as I had a house and everything we needed. Again, i was amazed at people's generosity as a lot of people gave money and vouchers, ranging from £10 to £250. (we did also get actual gifts.)

I wasn't expecting to get a present from colleagues as I'd already been given a wedding present several years earlier (divorce, not my choice) although I admit, I'd have been hurt if it hadn't been recognised in some way, eg. a card as we are all very close. In the end, 2 others were getting married at the same time so I suppose they must have decided to give to all 3. I was asked what i wanted and I said vouchers, that meant they could choose the amount. (I was the only bride who sent thank you letters.)

Again, everyone received a handwritten thank you, and when I had spent the money, i either phoned them, or sent a note to say what I'd bought. I kept a list on my PC so that I knew who had given what and if they had been sent a note.

That was 7 years ago so I can't remember exactly, but I am sure there were round about 100 gifts/monies. EVERY single person got a thank you,it's just bloody bad manners not to!!! I get really pissed off with people whose weddings I've been to and given a gift, and never had so much as a verbal thank you after the fact!!!

I know someone who had a wedding list at somewhere very expensive. They got lots of vouchers and in the end up, they bought themselves underwear as they had everything! That annoyed my mum (and me, on her behalf). I don't see why guests should be paying for the bride and groom's pants!!!

I know someone else who bought a very expensive, fancy guitar and said, well, i always wanted it!!! Yeah, i've always wanted a flashy diamond necklace but I don't expect my wedding guests to pay for it!

Yes, in some ways, if you give money or vouchers, then you do so with an open heart. BUT, I do feel strongly that it should be spent on something like I said at the start, not a flaming guitar! That's cheek, in my opinion.

Anyway, am rambling, haven't been on MN for ages and making up for it!
I'd be very very inclined not to acknowledge it all, but for the sake of harmony in the workplace, some of the suggestions were very good, e.g. bottle of champagne and a card. That would only be a couple of pounds each, lots of special offers on here and there.

We got numerous bottles of champagne and were delighted with every single one! When we drank one, we'd say, well, this is from so and so, cheers!

And if she broadcasts her business to all and sundry, she can only blame herself if people get fed up with her and judge her. We've all got problems!!!!!
(hope this thread doesn't get deleted, after the time I've invested in it! Apologies for the longest reply ever, and from an unknown newbie too! Skulks of to get a glass of wine!)

Give her a card. With nothing but your signatures in it.

A miracle may happen and she may change the habits of a lifetime and realise why she is unpopular. Or with any luck, she will get so annoyed and feel so hard done by, she will leave, never to return.

No, she's not a mumsnetter.

I don't know how much her carers allowance is but I think with so few hours and that benefit she might be elegible for other benefits too that will make it worth it. Also, she's keeping the sixteen hours so even if the money is only the same as she would have earned with longer hours, it's still the same money but without being at work.

cubbie thank you for your reply, it was very thoughtful and I will feel very guilty if the thread vanishes and takes your reply with it

She has done pretty well out of you and I know past events leave a sour taste but you should give her something. Perhaps you should just buy her some bed linen. TK Max are reasonable, it's not a bed but equally useful.