To be so cross I can't even find the words (exh rant)

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

I should namechange for this, I can't be bothered.

I haven't even got the energy to try to be witty and clever about this.

I'm beyond words that my exh and his solicitor are such arses and lying through their teeth.

I'm tired of every single little thing being such a fecking drama with him.

Why can't he just get on with his fecking life and leave me alone?
why does he after 4 years still feel the need to try and control me?

Why is he spending so much money on simply trying to make my life miserable?
Why can't he accept that I didn't fall apart when I left him and that we have an amazing 5 year old son who I appear not to have broken despite being in sole charge for most of the time

Why cant they just tell the truth?

okay

what's happened?

It's shit isn't it :(

Do you want to tell us what has happened or is continually happening?

will be right back

sorry about that.

I don't think it's anything new or specific, it's just the general wearing down of my good humour towards him when he (and I've just had a lightbulb moment on this) behaves towards me in exactly the same way he did when we were married.

It's the always taking an extra mile when I compromise, it's the sense of entitlement, it's the attitude that I am worthless and my opinion doesn't matter.

Its the way he tlaks to me infront of littlemad making it clear he thinks Mummy is silly and stupid to think what she does, the way he suggests I'm not capable of paretning littlemad.

It's the sneering at me when I tell him things are unacceptable. (him changing flights at 24 hours notice for example)

Bloody hell how I managed to keep my sanity for those 6 years we were together I will never know. It's a good sign it now makes me angry and is so unacceptable right?

Go on wise Mumsnet turn this into useful anger for me? Thanks

disengage your emotions

refuse to be enraged, be business-like and impersonal

part of why he does it, I'll bet, is because he gets a rise out of you

can you do handovers with another person present, to limit opportunity for him to diss you

There, there. You're Not Being Unreasonable!

Haven't really got anything positive to say except you are not alone, sorry.

My ExH is exactly the same, full of his own importance, how his wants and wishes take priority over everthing, then twists conversations to how unreasonable I am!

So I'm sending you as it too early for

5318008 we already do that - it's 24 hours later and I'm still like this (think the lightbulb moment is not helping!) He is a totally controlly bastard and I know he just loves that he's still go the ability to do this. Yesterday he told me littlemad was taking too many books (He'd wanted to show Daddy his wonders of the solar system and wonders of the universe books and was really excited about doing it) exh says it's too much for littlemad to be taking because he will have to carry the rucksack (littlemad takes a single ben10 rucksack) and then says 'well if you knew how to handle him properly you'd be able to persuade him not to being this much' Well you big knob, if you were slightly bothered you'd realise your son wants to share stuff he's interested in with you and if you knew how to handle him you'd take every opportunity you got.

When it all goes to shit in their relationship I'll only be picking up the pieces for littlemad.

Clam - arf! Thanks

biscuits! jumpforjoy, what a bloody brilliant idea.

Oh and Chipping, it's pretty much continual

Bloody hell, what an utter shitbag of a man. Maybe one way to deal with him is just by smiling sweetly and saying 'Yes but your opinion doesn't matter' every time he starts. Or 'That's none of your business.'

Yes - it's a good sign that it drives you mad :)

Try this -

'We are no longer married - one of the reasons we are no longer married is that I was not prepared to be spoken to/about like that - now we are divorced/separated I am even less prepared to be spoken to like that. If you can't be polite/respectful/friendly do not bother calling/turning up' - hang up/shut the door/show him the door.

'Do not insinuate I am incapable of raising LittleMad - if you have any genuine issues go and see a solictor - if not, STFU keep your opinions to yourself'

'If you continue to undermine me in front of LittleMad we will be going back to court to reassess your access/PR. It is not good for him to hear you speak about/to me like that and I will do everything I can to limit his exposure to it'.

'Sneer all you like, I am not changing my plans to accomodate you. This is the arrangement, if you can't make it/can't have LittleMad/whatever that is your problem not mine and x will/will not be happening'

Basically - stop putting up with his shit, call him on it and you tell him what will be happening - do not allow him to mess you about. I know you do it to enable LittleMad & his Dad to have a relationship - but in the long run you aren't doing LittleMad any favours allowing him to see you being treat like this. You do not want him turning into his Dad!

Ex was/is like this.

Now what I do is this;

I make a decision and stick with it, I utterly refuse to compromise because experience tells me he will then take the piss, so I decide and stick with it, unless theres a very good reason to change, not because it is more convenient for him!

I only ever contact him via email, I have a seperate email set up for this purpose so I dont have to look at it, I only check it if there's a contact session coming up and if he has emailed regarding matters other than the children I ignore and do not reply....no matter how much my fingers itch to type out a succinct reply to his continued pathetic attempts to control my life!

I dont speak to him, I do not engage with him at all, contact takes place at a contact centre and I do not have to interact with him. usually I get there first and I'm sitting with the other mums or reading and there is no need to speak with him.

Some people may consider this to be overly harsh, or that I am unreasonble however I am the one who has to live with him in my life and this minimises the potential stress to all concerned.

Minimise your own contact with him, he can't get at you if you wont let him in!

Does sarcasm work with him? You know, "perhaps you could write down some tips for me on perfect parenting."
Or, "you've clearly done this parenting lark before, as you seem to know everything. Oh, wait a moment...." (I take it he hasn't?)
Or "You know, I don't know how I get by on a daily basis without your useful input."
Twat.
(him, not you!)

Actually, just seen chipping and fuzzy's posts. They're good.

I like Clams too :)

'I don't know how I cope the other 300 days a year without your input'

LTA - Sorry what I meant was 'has something specific happened or just more of his usual shit' I know he's a continual PITA

You really just have to cut him down...

'Oh LittleMad, Daddy doesn't want you to take your books :( It's a shame, maybe Daddy would like to choose one that you are allowed to take'

'Why does Little Mad have to carry his bag - clearly you haven't broken both of your arms'

'If you were a half decent parent you would want him to 'bring this much' to share with you - you twat'.

You really really really have to stop his comments getting to you. Throw them back at him, don't just take them and let him control you with them.

I'm very sure we could help you with some retorts

... and why do you think you should have name-changed? It's much easier to give more appropriate advice/hugs/kicks/comments when you 'know' who you are talking to and you haven't done anything to be ashamed of/embarassed by/that needs 'hiding'...

How often is he having LM now?

Oh thank you! I knew it would help to post it and the retorts are a huge help - especially celarly you haven't broken both your arms despite all that work ive put into the voodoo doll

I didn't see this happening during our marriage which is how he managed to do what he did, I let myself become isolated and believed his shit

how about

'look littlemad clearly has such a shit time with you that at the age of 5 he'd rather read about space than engage with you, you force this situation on him now suck up the fact you have to carry his stuff or alternatively pull your finger out and stop trying to entertain him with Postman pat jigsaws for toddlers'

Chipping LM goes for half of every school holiday and there is a long weekend each half term (which is over here)

LM doesn't want to be going, but there is no 'reason' to stop contact because ex admitting in court that he constantly threatened to take LM away from me so I would never see him again apparently doesn't count as a reason why overseas contact shouldn't just go ahead.

I don't speak to him anymore than is strictly necessary, all contact is by email, and I even had a separate mobile for him to use but in the last few months I gave that up hoping we were moving forward. We made a bunch of agreements in Court last month which he's now reneging on and his solicitor caims didn't happen. I think it might be time to put the email/phone wall back up again and protect myself a bit more because it didn't upset me like this then and you're so right fuzzy when you say I should control when he communicates with me.

'look littlemad clearly has such a shit time with you that at the age of 5 he'd rather read about space than engage with you, you force this situation on him now suck up the fact you have to carry his stuff or alternatively pull your finger out and stop trying to entertain him with Postman pat jigsaws for toddlers

Good - you're starting to get the hang of it!!!

LM doesn't want to be going, but there is no 'reason' to stop contact because ex admitting in court that he constantly threatened to take LM away from me so I would never see him again apparently doesn't count as a reason why overseas contact shouldn't just go ahead

Bloody hell - the system we have is really fucked isn't it :(

If it happened in court - how can his solicitior say it didnt happen [condfused] Can you contact your solicitor and get something done about it?

Yes - phone/email wall back up.

I'm self repping - we spent around £30k to secure sole residency which would mean if he ever did decided to off with LM there could be no dispute about where LM was 'supposed' to live.

My parents financed that and I felt the least I could do was self rep when that was sorted. I will pay them back one day.

Before you go in to see the Judge at Court you have 'negotiations' with the other side, you are encouraged to reach agreement on as many issues as possible (it's all about collaborative working between parents) we did that and she stood up in front of the judge saying agreements had been reached (only at £200 transcript will give me the exact phrasing she used but actually thinking about it I don't think she said exactly what they were to the judge either) anyway no record :( now they are denying what they agreed.

I've already told her all I will be recording all future discussions. Cowbag, really and they;ve also deliberately delayed all this so that I have no Court Order in place while LM is away.

I've set myself off again now....

This is so shit it's not true!

suggestions for an email id as well then?

how about noneofyourbusiness@

or nearlyhappilymarriedtoapropermanwhodoesntbeathiswifeunlikeyousadandlonelycontrolfreak

or more snappily control@

Sorry, it has been one of those days!

That's ridiculous - surely someone should have been recording what was agreed and had you both sign it, or what's the bloody point?? Madness!!

I'm sure your parents consider it money well spent!

When LittleMad coming home?

I like the long one best... :) although I think [email protected] is much better!

No problem :)

I think I've been a bit too trusting because I stupidly assumed we would all be telling the truth and being honest for the god of littlemad.

He's home on Sunday happy dance

I'm liking the idea of changing it to [email protected] in time for the wedding and all, I think the idea of me having changed my name after we get married will hit the right note.

I like this bit being honest for the god of littlemad.... I know he's adorable, but a god?? [cheeky grin]

Yes, you can tend to forget that the truth and following through are things that only happen on one side of the arrangement :( They're generally ex's for a bloody good reason!

How long now until the wedding? Is DS very excited by it all?