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DH attitude to working as a team

132 replies

Ticked · 02/06/2011 08:40

The title doesnt really explain the situation to well. We are 5 people, dh, 3 ds and me. All 4 boys have stopped helping around the house completely (ds 1 will do something if told). I mean not even taking their mug or plate through or picking up a piece of paper thrown down, never mind making beds and things. I have hinted to dh that we need to have a chat as a family and remind everyone to do their bit. He took off at me and told me Im being unreasonable and nobody wants to clean all the time. I tried explaining that I dont expect anyone to clean all the time or even do washing, dishes, dusting, hoovering and things. I just expect them to do their own stuff a bit at least. He said if I didnt want to do it I just mustnt and the house can just turn into a tip. I am beside myself as we dont have much but, dont want it to be disgusting. Untidy is fine but not dirty :(

I just want him to be a team with me and we sit down and explain about pride, keeping it reasonable, working together, to the kids. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days and there seems to be no resolution other than keep quite and run after them all on my own. Please tell me if I am BU and if not - suggestions as to what to do?

OP posts:
redexpat · 02/06/2011 15:58

I would continue doing the housework, and dock the pocket money of all children. If they will not do what's necessary then they will have to pay you to do it for them. Do I really need to tell you what you withdraw from DH? Wink

Longtalljosie · 02/06/2011 16:00

Gather the boys together (sod your DH, it's no use worrying about him being on board, he isn't) and read them the riot act.

Tell them they're lazy, and ask them if they think you are just there to skivvy for them. Remind the 19 year old he's an adult. Ask them if they expect to have happy relationships because with this attitude, they won't.

Then tell them you've decided you've earned a break. You will not be cooking, washing etc for them at all for a fortnight. If anyone wants a primer in how the washing machine works, you'd be delighted to run them through it and suggest they take notes, as you won't be telling them again.

Then make a lot of plans to see friends, and do nothing. In a fortnight, you can talk to them again.

blackeyedsusan · 02/06/2011 16:03

have you considered going to stay somehere else for a week or two? i would be tempted to tell them I wasn't coming back until they cleaned up after themselves. take the 12 year old if you think you need to.

BooyHoo · 02/06/2011 16:07

redexpat are you serious?

you are telling OP to give or withold sex as payment/punishmnet for hosuehold chores? really is that the world we live in where a woman has to have sex in order to get a towel lifted of teh bathroom floor!!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2011 16:15

Personally I wouldn't be having sex with this man anyway. I'd only want to sleep with someone who was respectful of me and cared about me enough to not take advantage. It's not about with holding sex as a punishment, more about the H making himself attractive to the OP by proving that he cares and values her.

Wellnerfermind · 02/06/2011 16:16

Pretty much every relevant post on the matter had said don't split the siblings up.

So why would OP take the 12 year old?
He'll have a say in the matter as well.

My money would be on OP moves out, they carry on, maybe in a bit of a shithole, but they'll survive.

BooyHoo · 02/06/2011 16:18

agree wellnerfermind.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2011 16:21

I don't think anyone can blame the kids here. 19 year olds are legal adults but I remember myself at 19 and no way was I a proper grown up. Besides they are only behaving in the way they've been allowed. This isn't the OPs fault either - as a mum you get used to doing things for your kids and before you know it they've grown up and you've never gotten out of the habit of doing everything for them. It's easily done.

I went to college at 18, having not done much at home. I soon picked it up and so will her boys once the OP gets cracking. It's not an unsolvable situation. The issue where the OP will struggle is with the husband as he is not supportive.

cjel · 02/06/2011 16:30

I have always done all of the housework in our house and it has suited us fine. My dcs( now 26 and 29 and with thier own homes and kids. dd and ds) know how to do things they were 'taught,' but we did things if we were in together eg cooking washing clearing up etc. My dh worked longer hours than me outside the house so I didn't mind what I did at home. The problem with your situation isn't who does what( and I don't believe all the crap about making dh and dcs doing things just because they should makes us sound like some sort of martyrs and that chores are the most horrid things to do, no wonder they don't want to take part.I think if they see it as part of life just like getting up and going to bed it isn't a battle its just life.) it is the fact that this situation doesn't suit you at all you are really unhappy, you've have said you want a change and got this awful response. I think not doing the chores may make you more miserable than doing them and it might be good to see if you can think what your real problem is. Is it the lack of respect from them or is it that you are finished with being housewife and skivvy? perhaps if you can identify what you are most hacked off about you will have clearer idea of what is the most important for you to get changed?
Hope you can sort it out , I would be tempted to go somewhere else and leave them to it!!!!

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2011 16:34

Or make your husband go elsewhere, so you can get your kids in line without him hindering your efforts. Not sure why the OP should leave the house, she's not the problem.

BooyHoo · 02/06/2011 16:37

by teh sounds of things, i dont think she'll have much luck getting her DH to leave.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2011 16:38

I find changing the locks and putting his stuff in bin bags in the garden helps Smile

BooyHoo · 02/06/2011 16:39

if he owns the house also, can she do that though?

fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2011 16:44

probably not, legally.

skybluepearl · 02/06/2011 16:47

writing a rota seems a great idea. can you include hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc .. no screen time or pocket money unless the jobs are done.

my mother waited on my brothers hand and foot but now they are in thier 30's wives dispair of their inability to do even the basics. i think she was waiting on them as a way of showing her love to them. in reality though it has done them no favors.

What you will be teaching them are important life skills. also you don't want to live in filth and it's only fair everyone pulls thier wieght.. i think you will just have to be firm with hubby.

kw1986 · 02/06/2011 18:42

Your boys are old enough that you can sit them all down and rip right into them about being dirty slobby pigs!!

Your DH is being a child for not talking to you. He prob deserves a proper ripping into as well. Obviously talking on equal levels has got you nowhere. So time to treat him like the child he is.

If your DH doesn't want to talk about it I would prob be inclined to hire a daily cleaner without consulting him. If he's not happy about that then make it clear he'll have to pull his finger out.

Ticked · 03/06/2011 17:37

Thank you all so much for the advice! I sat down with the kids and the list and they were actually so willing! Dh came in and asked if he could join and we all sat for a good 2 hours discussing the problem. DS2 was so excited to try his hand at cooking that he made burgers tonight! They all know how to use the washer now and DH cleaned the bedroom and then came and asked me to show him how to use the hoover!!!

Thank you for the kick up my ass. I took control, was very assertive and the outcome was not what I expected, but lovely.

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/06/2011 17:45

Fantastic! Vey well done the Ticked family!
NOw the trick is to keep it going once the novelty wears off!

Xales · 03/06/2011 17:52

You need to stop doing for all of them otherwise your children will leave home expecting others (women) to look after them and your H will just continue to expect you to serve him.

You are a person not a servant.

Keep yourself 1 nice dish, plate, cup, saucepan etc and leave all the others. Just wash yours and keep them hidden away.

Don't pick up anyone else's stuff.

Don't do anyone else's laundry or ironing.

Only clean the bathroom you use (and lock it to stop others getting in there if you can!).

Tell them you will be doing a meal on Tuesday and Friday and H, DS1, DS2 etc will be doing on another specific (so they can't say it was his turn) day. If they don't cook for yourself and not for them.

If your H says anything repeat those words 'nobody wants to clean all the time'.

These people are disrespecting you and treating you like a servant.

Xales · 03/06/2011 17:53

Missed your last post so ignore me >< If they slack go on strike.

Well done.

thekidsmom · 03/06/2011 17:58

Ticked I'm so glad you got a good solution - its obviously all in the communication! and in picking the right moment...

ChitChattingagain · 03/06/2011 17:59

Oh well done, Ticked! Dont' expect things to just stay changed though, you need to keep on top of them, and of yourself. You need to break your bad habits as much as theirs.

swallowedAfly · 03/06/2011 18:13

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Message withdrawn

purpleknittingmum · 03/06/2011 18:27

Well done! Hope it lasts!

My daughter did her ironing today and the washing up! I am determined to get her to wash up more, I was washing up from about 10 years old!

fedupofnamechanging · 03/06/2011 18:56

Glad to hear it went well.

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