DH attitude to working as a team

[Ticked]

The title doesnt really explain the situation to well. We are 5 people, dh, 3 ds and me. All 4 boys have stopped helping around the house completely (ds 1 will do something if told). I mean not even taking their mug or plate through or picking up a piece of paper thrown down, never mind making beds and things. I have hinted to dh that we need to have a chat as a family and remind everyone to do their bit. He took off at me and told me Im being unreasonable and nobody wants to clean all the time. I tried explaining that I dont expect anyone to clean all the time or even do washing, dishes, dusting, hoovering and things. I just expect them to do their own stuff a bit at least. He said if I didnt want to do it I just mustnt and the house can just turn into a tip. I am beside myself as we dont have much but, dont want it to be disgusting. Untidy is fine but not dirty :(

I just want him to be a team with me and we sit down and explain about pride, keeping it reasonable, working together, to the kids. He has now not spoken to me for 2 days and there seems to be no resolution other than keep quite and run after them all on my own. Please tell me if I am BU and if not - suggestions as to what to do?

[glassofwhiteanybody]

A victory for being reasonable and communicating well. Excellent!!!

Remember that you're changing habits that are long standing so be strong and don't let everyone slip back into their old ways.

[Wellnerfermind]

How'd have thought talking would have worked instead of...

Sulking, nagging, shouting, hinting, striking, and leaving him, well done!

[Longtalljosie]

Oh, well done you.

[forehead]

YABU. You've allowed them to do sweet FA for so long, now you expect them to change. What have you been doing for the last 19 years fgs,?
Sorry, but i have no sympathy

[janelikesjam]

oops OP, i see you got a better result, er... by talking ... :-)

[janelikesjam]

It does sound like a brilliant idea to get the message across - just cleaning and tidying your own little mess and leaving theirs - but even if you did it for a week - you would have to have a strong stomach. If everything really everything did smell bad etc you could leave a note, go and stay at a Holiday Inn and just pop back to see if they are clearing up. If it doesn't get cleaned up, perhaps you could live at Holiday Inn for a while even (sometimes I have that fantasy).

Other less drastic solutions (so that everyone is "not tidying up all the time", as someone pointed out, like you!).

1. Everyone does 1 hour a day; and/or
   
2. You get a cleaner

[BsshBossh]

Ticked, that's fantastic news. Just keep up the enthusiasm and pressure for when/if the novelty wears off.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Glad to hear it went well.

[purpleknittingmum]

Well done! Hope it lasts!

My daughter did her ironing today and the washing up! I am determined to get her to wash up more, I was washing up from about 10 years old!

[ChitChattingagain]

Oh well done, Ticked! Dont' expect things to just stay changed though, you need to keep on top of them, and of yourself. You need to break your bad habits as much as theirs.

[thekidsmom]

Ticked I'm so glad you got a good solution - its obviously all in the communication! and in picking the right moment...

[Xales]

Missed your last post so ignore me >< If they slack go on strike.

Well done.

[Xales]

You need to stop doing for all of them otherwise your children will leave home expecting others (women) to look after them and your H will just continue to expect you to serve him.

You are a person not a servant.

Keep yourself 1 nice dish, plate, cup, saucepan etc and leave all the others. Just wash yours and keep them hidden away.

Don't pick up anyone else's stuff.

Don't do anyone else's laundry or ironing.

Only clean the bathroom you use (and lock it to stop others getting in there if you can!).

Tell them you will be doing a meal on Tuesday and Friday and H, DS1, DS2 etc will be doing on another specific (so they can't say it was his turn) day. If they don't cook for yourself and not for them.

If your H says anything repeat those words 'nobody wants to clean all the time'.

These people are disrespecting you and treating you like a servant.

[Katisha]

Fantastic! Vey well done the Ticked family!
NOw the trick is to keep it going once the novelty wears off!

[Ticked]

Thank you all so much for the advice! I sat down with the kids and the list and they were actually so willing! Dh came in and asked if he could join and we all sat for a good 2 hours discussing the problem. DS2 was so excited to try his hand at cooking that he made burgers tonight! They all know how to use the washer now and DH cleaned the bedroom and then came and asked me to show him how to use the hoover!!!

Thank you for the kick up my ass. I took control, was very assertive and the outcome was not what I expected, but lovely.

[kw1986]

Your boys are old enough that you can sit them all down and rip right into them about being dirty slobby pigs!!

Your DH is being a child for not talking to you. He prob deserves a proper ripping into as well. Obviously talking on equal levels has got you nowhere. So time to treat him like the child he is.

If your DH doesn't want to talk about it I would prob be inclined to hire a daily cleaner without consulting him. If he's not happy about that then make it clear he'll have to pull his finger out.

[skybluepearl]

writing a rota seems a great idea. can you include hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc .. no screen time or pocket money unless the jobs are done.

my mother waited on my brothers hand and foot but now they are in thier 30's wives dispair of their inability to do even the basics. i think she was waiting on them as a way of showing her love to them. in reality though it has done them no favors.

What you will be teaching them are important life skills. also you don't want to live in filth and it's only fair everyone pulls thier wieght.. i think you will just have to be firm with hubby.

[fedupofnamechanging]

probably not, legally.

[BooyHoo]

if he owns the house also, can she do that though?

[fedupofnamechanging]

I find changing the locks and putting his stuff in bin bags in the garden helps

[BooyHoo]

by teh sounds of things, i dont think she'll have much luck getting her DH to leave.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Or make your husband go elsewhere, so you can get your kids in line without him hindering your efforts. Not sure why the OP should leave the house, she's not the problem.

[cjel]

I have always done all of the housework in our house and it has suited us fine. My dcs( now 26 and 29 and with thier own homes and kids. dd and ds) know how to do things they were 'taught,' but we did things if we were in together eg cooking washing clearing up etc. My dh worked longer hours than me outside the house so I didn't mind what I did at home. The problem with your situation isn't who does what( and I don't believe all the crap about making dh and dcs doing things just because they should makes us sound like some sort of martyrs and that chores are the most horrid things to do, no wonder they don't want to take part.I think if they see it as part of life just like getting up and going to bed it isn't a battle its just life.) it is the fact that this situation doesn't suit you at all you are really unhappy, you've have said you want a change and got this awful response. I think not doing the chores may make you more miserable than doing them and it might be good to see if you can think what your real problem is. Is it the lack of respect from them or is it that you are finished with being housewife and skivvy? perhaps if you can identify what you are most hacked off about you will have clearer idea of what is the most important for you to get changed?
Hope you can sort it out , I would be tempted to go somewhere else and leave them to it!!!!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't think anyone can blame the kids here. 19 year olds are legal adults but I remember myself at 19 and no way was I a proper grown up. Besides they are only behaving in the way they've been allowed. This isn't the OPs fault either - as a mum you get used to doing things for your kids and before you know it they've grown up and you've never gotten out of the habit of doing everything for them. It's easily done.

I went to college at 18, having not done much at home. I soon picked it up and so will her boys once the OP gets cracking. It's not an unsolvable situation. The issue where the OP will struggle is with the husband as he is not supportive.