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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is it poor form to invite only one person in a married couple?

116 replies

Bananamash · 01/06/2011 13:13

AIBU?

This morning we have had a wedding invite for one of DH's very close friends. DH and this man have been friends since about 15. I met him when DH and I started going out together when I was 17- so I have known him for almost ten years.

DH and this man did used to be very close friends and see each other regularly, usually weekly, until he moved around the country to be with his soon to be wife. She seems a lovely girl, but we're not really friends. I suppose myself and this man were never really chummy or anything, but on when we were younger every weekend we would go out as a group of us, and we try and do the same now, babysitters permitting. He has been moving around the country for the last few years, so all of our group of friends have seen less of him. DH is going on his stag do.

The invite is just for DH during the day and I am invited just to the evening event. AIBU to think this is a bit off?

The wedding is being held about an hour and a half away, which means most people are having to get hotels etc, not really easy just to pop in for a few hours etc.

Maybe I am being precious, but I wouldn't have thought this was the done thing at all. We had several couples at our wedding where we were very chummy with one but not the other member, and have been to lets of weddings where this is the case.

AIBU?

OP posts:

harrietthespook · 01/06/2011 16:40

No way is it correct etiquette not to invite both spouses (or living together partners) to an event like a wedding. Not in anyone's book. Costs, numbers, blah blah blah. Just rude.

In this case, I would ask outright if there's been a misunderstanding. Probably there has.

If not, these people are a bit crackers and personally I wouldn't go if I were your DH. I'm sure he can find soemting better to do than eat marginally good food, make small talk with people he barely knows, and (I'll wager) prop up the cash bar. Ghastly.

ENormaSnob · 01/06/2011 16:50

Very very rude, especially as the other wives have been invited.

I wouldn't attend and neither would dh.

Fwiw I think colleagues weddings are different and I would happily attend alone.

helenthemadex · 01/06/2011 17:00

Seems rude to me, its like they have cherry picked the partners ruling some on for some reason or another

I defiinately would not want ot go to a wedding where I was matron of honour with out dh, its just rude and weird

clam · 01/06/2011 17:13

I'd be extremely hacked off if I were you. Not only would I not go at all, but I'd hope my DH would decide against it too, although that would be on his own head his choice. And I might not send a present either!
And if the wedding couple are offended, then they only have themselves to blame. As someone else said, this is not about numbers - it's picking and choosing and it's not like you're some random floozy who's only been on the scene a short while. You're married fgs, and your DH is clearly considered OK to be an usher. But you're relegated to the evening! Not on, sorry.

meditrina · 01/06/2011 17:14

Sausages: any expectation of invitation in that sentence was in the conditional tense, and was not a directive. People are inviting with/without partner/children as they have always done - what is new is the judging.

I'm putting on my rose-tinted glasses now. It was so much easier before this expectation existed. When you got the invitation, you would just be pleased to be invited (jointly or individually) - not start fretting about not being invited to more, nor assuming your hosts are mistaken or rude.

This whole episode - which now seems to be awaiting the DH "having words" - is getting beyond ugly.

mattellie · 01/06/2011 17:18

?I don't think my DH would be interested in being an usher for someone who was not a close enough friend to make space at the wedding for me, to be honest. I think I'm probably quite old fashioned about such things though?

I?ll join you in your old-fashioned camp, checkmate. Spouses of anyone acting in an official capacity (best man, ushers, maids of honour etc) have to be asked. End of story.

I?m pretty sure DH wouldn?t be attending in these circumstances, and if he seemed keen I would make his life hell be having a quiet word.

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 17:22

I think you should show dh this thread, just so he can see how nice his 'friends' are.

scuzy · 01/06/2011 17:28

perhaps this is her way if reducing numbers for dinner that they have to pay for banking on your DH not going because you werent invited but still saving face by inviting him iykwim

still very odd though

ViolaTricolor · 01/06/2011 17:31

Others have given great analyses of the invitation situation, but I agree with SPB's further comment -- why one earth would you have to spend a day just hanging around? Surely you could plan fun things to do even with your DH at the wedding?

Doitnicelyplease · 01/06/2011 17:48

It is just rude. They are basically saying we like you... but your wife... not so much.

I think asking people to witness your wedding and share in your 'special day' celebrating your love for another person, while not inviting your friends DWs or DHs or long-standing DPs is VERY STRANGE and slightly hypocritical.

Checkmate · 01/06/2011 18:01

I'm glad to see I'm not the only old fashioned soul populating AIBU at the moment!
I'm glad you and your DH are going to talk about it tonight, OP.

Doitnicelyplease · 01/06/2011 18:04

Meditrina: I think you indeed have rose-tinted glasses on. You are forgetting that in the past most weddings were much simpler (and cheaper) affairs than they are today.

On average couples were a lot younger, and the bulk of the wedding guests would have been made up with family, and childhood friends rather than a huge group of mates. The bride and grooms parents would have had a lot more say in who did or didn't get invited, and I doubt this type of cherry-picking of guests was considered acceptable.

In this case a less controversial decision would have been to invite both to the evening do and just explain that there weren't able to accommodate them for the church/meal.

pigletmania · 01/06/2011 18:05

It is very rude indeed, if you cannot have both halfs of a couple, especially a married one, then you should not invite some guests that you perhaps you do not know very well. As your dh is an usher, the invite should most certainly be extended to you, so your dh is good enough but your not . When I married we became one unit, and if dh was invited, but I was not then we would both not go to a wedding. How would they like it if that happened to them! It is very rude also to have some couples there and not others, it should be all or nothing. I personally would not go, and find something nice to do with the dcs on that day.

harrietthespook · 01/06/2011 18:05

You could always turn up rip roaring drunk to the evening 'do with your own supplies in hand to keep the party going ( I am SURE it will be a pricey cash bar.) Bring out a flask and some fags.

Other posters who say it's not a breach of formal etiquette are wrong.

Why would it be a breach to not invite when engaged but not married?!

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 18:07

She probably could find other things to do during the wedding breakfast. But why should she? Why would she want to go to that effort to attend the evening do for people that snubbed her? There's probably nothing that exciting in the vicinity of the wedding that she hasn't got at home, and if there were, she might want to share that with her dh.

There being things to do instead of going to the meal is spectacularly beside the point.

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2011 18:09

No it is besidde the point but I think people are just tryin to make it harder than it is by talking about being cooped up in the hotel room

harrietthespook · 01/06/2011 18:11

Bubble don't you bet the hotel they'd be expected to pay to stay in is grim with like grey sausages laid out for breakfast the next day.

seriously, spend the money on a weekend break you'd enjoy.

GreenEyesandHam · 01/06/2011 18:12

It's bloody rude, although I have to say I think your husband deserves a rollicking for 'forgetting' his mate had had a quiet word in advance.

I wouldn't go, and this might make me a right bitch, but I'd be strongly hinting that my DH didn't go either

I don't think he'd want to actually, out of loyalty to me

lovemyskinnyjeans · 01/06/2011 18:23

Hiya

I actually had to do this at my wedding, it was a number of years ago and funds were short, we only had 70 seats at the reception and when we'd done core family and v close friends there were still quite a few people we wanted to invite but we couldn't fit them all in.

We did have to end up inviting some people for the sit down meal and their partners for the evening party, but we spoke to them all individually to explain why, it really wasn't an ideal situation but frankly we just couldn't afford it and had absolutely no-where to seat them all.

Is it possible this may be the reason but they're embarrased to discuss it with you? Is there a spa in the hotel, could be a nice chance to have some solitary me-time...?

7to25 · 01/06/2011 18:23

this is worse than bad form, it is rudeness.
if they need to cut down on numbers then lose the six ushers! it can hardly be an economy wedding.
Both of you should go to the evening "do" only with good grace, as a couple with or without your children.

harrietthespook · 01/06/2011 18:33

A recent poster on here talked about having an informal wedding where people actually contributed food - like everyone brought a dish. She thought she'd get flamed but lots of people piled in to say that they'd been to events like these and they'd been lovely, some of their favorite weddings.

Yes weddings CAN get expensive. But they CAN also not be so expensive, if people set the princess dream aside. How can you feel warm and fuzzy inside about your 'big day' knowing you are snubbing one of your usher's wives?!

meditrina · 01/06/2011 18:40

Doitnicelyplease: I wasn't thinking only of weddings, though - it was everything.

Could I ask this - given that weddings have always had partners/children invited/not invited (and even the cited Debretts link doesn't say you must, so this means you can omit without rudeness) - which leads to the better outcome: the old-fashioned approach (independent social life, general goodwill to people who have invited you), or what is going on here (judgement, demands for more and impending rows)?

northerngirl41 · 01/06/2011 18:43

Etiquettely speaking, it's very rude to do this - you are what is termed a "social unit" and therefore should be invited as such.

Personally however I wish more people would invite only the people they actually know - it would save me a lot of exceedingly dull receptions... After all, why would you want a wedding with about half the people you don't really know? And why would their poor partner want to spend the afternoon having to speak to your Aunt Bessy they've never met before whilst eating "chickenorsalmon" and listening to their DH relive his school dayss for hours... and hours... and hours. Dull!

I'll give the happy couple a pass on this one if DH is a groomsman or has some sort of special role at the wedding itself? If not, we'll confine them to Etiquette Hell.

LadyOfTheCuntryManor · 01/06/2011 18:46

One of my husband's dick head friends does this all the time.

YANBU. Your dh's friend is being a cunt. Maybe he's the same person I'm thinking of.

whackamole · 01/06/2011 18:49

If you have been invited to the evening, then no I don't think it's particularly off, I would have assumed it was all about space and numbers.

BUT I do think they should have put this on the invite as I completely understand why you would be miffed.

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