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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is it poor form to invite only one person in a married couple?

116 replies

Bananamash · 01/06/2011 13:13

AIBU?

This morning we have had a wedding invite for one of DH's very close friends. DH and this man have been friends since about 15. I met him when DH and I started going out together when I was 17- so I have known him for almost ten years.

DH and this man did used to be very close friends and see each other regularly, usually weekly, until he moved around the country to be with his soon to be wife. She seems a lovely girl, but we're not really friends. I suppose myself and this man were never really chummy or anything, but on when we were younger every weekend we would go out as a group of us, and we try and do the same now, babysitters permitting. He has been moving around the country for the last few years, so all of our group of friends have seen less of him. DH is going on his stag do.

The invite is just for DH during the day and I am invited just to the evening event. AIBU to think this is a bit off?

The wedding is being held about an hour and a half away, which means most people are having to get hotels etc, not really easy just to pop in for a few hours etc.

Maybe I am being precious, but I wouldn't have thought this was the done thing at all. We had several couples at our wedding where we were very chummy with one but not the other member, and have been to lets of weddings where this is the case.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 13:26

I would probably not say anything, but harbour a terrible grudge, hidden very well by pure graciousness. I think that it's thoughtlessness on their part, it might come home to them on the day.

Is it a child issue, though - they don't want children and so are reasoning that someone needs to look after them to make it easier for your DH to go. Still rude, mind you. You aren't a babysitter .....

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 13:26

X post Goodynuff

moonbells · 01/06/2011 13:27

I believe the correct etiquette is to always invite both if married or in civil partnership. If cohabiting then it's tactful to invite both but if 'just' a bf or gf, then it's up to the inviters.

YANBU.

sherbetpips · 01/06/2011 13:29

Weird, their day, their decision though. Suggest you both just attend the evening, ref the distance as the reason.

PorkChopSter · 01/06/2011 13:29

Sounds like they.don't have space for the children at the meal & are trying to save you finding a babysitter.

Checkmate · 01/06/2011 13:31

Incredibly rude of them.

I'd presume it was about the DC, not about you, if that makes sense.

If you still want to attend, then you could try writing a polite thank you for the invitation, then saying you have childcare for the DC, but as a married couple would like to attend for the same parts of the day, so will both just come for the evening.

Maybe then they'd get back to you to claim an error, or that they just couldnt accommodate the DC in the daytime, and invite you both to it all?

FetchTheMaid · 01/06/2011 13:32

I'd be very insulted. Doubt my husband would go if we were in same situation - in fact I know he wouldn't.

Laquitar · 01/06/2011 13:36

Weird.

Original poster
Bananamash · 01/06/2011 13:41

Well just sent my useless husband an email and he rang me straight away, somewhat grovelly.

Apparently this man did have a quiet word with him, in the pub after a few beers about numbers a few weeks ago and he completely forgot to tell me. Angry Apparently either the bride or the brides mum is one of 6 six children and so they are very stretched for numbers and have had to invite a lot of people for the evening only.

However DH also told me he has also been asked to be an usher Hmm and that only 2 of the 6 ushers have their other halves with them during the day. So he said he can't really only go to just the evening.... Bloody useless forgetful man

So we said we would talk about it tonight. He said he was suprised that some of the other other halves were invited.

Thanks ladies

OP posts:
20wkbaby · 01/06/2011 13:42

This would annoy me purely for the reason they have obviously thought about who would look after the children and have decided on you! Even though it is your husband's friend primarily. I think if I had been extending this invitation I would have said, 'you are both welcome to come to whole day but children will only be invited in the evening' or words to that effect and let them sort it out between you giving you the option to leave the kids with gps if that is what you chose to do.

ShowOfHands · 01/06/2011 13:43

Recently happened to us and I wasn't bothered about it.

I assumed (correctly) that they were really limited by numbers and as dh was the groom's friend really, I was completely comfortable with it.

Wamster · 01/06/2011 13:46

Well if some of the other halves are invited yanbu, but, to be honest, if NONE of the other halves were being invited, I would think yabu. If this were the case, I would just think, 'Oh well, we're all being treated the same' and be unoffended.
Fairness is the factor when it comes to deciding whether or not yabu in my mind.

duckdodgers · 01/06/2011 13:53

It would bother me if some other halves were invited and others werent. And sine the wedding is a bit of a distance away I would think it throws up practical problems with travelling to - if OP and DH and children all travel together during the day what on earth do they actually do until its time to go to evening reception? Theres no way I would be happy to do this if it was me hanging about all day. Or having to make my own way on public transport if my DH had to go earlier in the car!

keepingupwiththejoneses · 01/06/2011 13:57

This is what has happened at my cousins wedding, they are both from big families so can not invite partners of all but siblings, aunts and uncles. I have been invited to the day time and Dh and DC's are invited to the night. As far as I can see it is the fairest way to do it as it would turn into a case of choosing which cousins and friends to invite and who not to.

Balsam · 01/06/2011 14:01

I'm afraid it's considered rude to invite one half of a married couple to a wedding, regardless of numbers or how well you know them. I wouldn't go.

glassofwhiteanybody · 01/06/2011 14:10

I think it's very odd not to invite an usher with his wife, but if your husband has been invited to be an usher, then if he turns round and declines the invite, everyone will think that you threw a hissy fit and you'll be blamed.

I'd suggest you don't discuss it too much with your DH as you'll make him feel awkward and it wasn't his decision

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 14:12

yes, even weirder to not invite and usher's wife. I probably wouldn't go. They won't miss you.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 14:12

an usher's wife

PinkSchmoo · 01/06/2011 14:16

Been invited to a close friends wedding without DH so my first reaction was YABU but reading rest of your posts re other invitees I think this is a bit odd. Would also add I was asked by friend beforehand if it would be ok and circs explained, ie, skint, small venue and had to cut numbers. P

Original poster
Bananamash · 01/06/2011 14:17

TBH, I don't think I will go to be honest. Even without taking into account that I think they were rude, the logistics of it are a nightmare- getting DH down there v early, and then either hanging around with children climbing the walls... doesn't sound like much fun!

OP posts:
JeremyKylesPetProject · 01/06/2011 14:18

I invited my friend and she was under strict instructions not to bring her partner. He made my life a misery when we lived together and she moved him in without asking. He used to keep a diary of my comings and goings, left my washing up to one side (never more than a mug and plate which is petty considering I used to wash anything they left in the sink without comment), hid the loo roll, walked around in his threadbare boxers that struggled to contain his bollocks, screamed in my face when my sister who was 12 at the time helped herself to one of their biscuits (she thought they were mine), he'd come home from work and turn over the tv whilst I was watching something, make brews for him and her and leave me out and tell me to stay out of the living room when he was reading. Me and my friend don't speak now but she came to my wedding alone. Even she acknowledged that he is a bully. I couldn't bear the thought of him being there. It took a lot of courage to ask her to attend alone. His presence would have spoilt my day. I feel o guilt whatsoever.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 14:19

Out of interest

  1. Do others have children?
  2. Could you have found a babysitter for the DCs?
MintyMoo · 01/06/2011 14:20

I don't think I'd go either, sounds like a massive faff just to attend the evening do. Plus they've been rude so I'd be even less inclined to make the effort.

I'd have a nice day out with the DC instead and leave DH to go if he wants to.

Checkmate · 01/06/2011 14:28

I don't think my DH would be interested in being an usher for someone who was not a close enough friend to make space at the wedding for me, to be honest. I know that sounds harsh, but when what they want people there for, is to witness and celebrate their marriage, it seems a bit off to be separating other married people.
I think I'm probably quite old fashioned about such things though, so just ignore me.

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 14:28

I think is very very rude. Like shockingly rude.

Especially if they have asked him to be an usher! So he's good enough to do them a favour and make up part of their day for them, but not good enough to have an invitation extended to his wife? That is truly disgusting.

If it were dh and I neither of us would be going at all after a snub like that.

The numbers arguement does nothing for me. Count how many people you have to invite, then find a venue suitable for that number. That's how it works. If people do things the other way round, they care about having the nice venue more than they care about their friends feelings. It's that simple imo.

How can anyone not want their friends to celebrate their marrige with the people they are married too?

I think the only time this is acceptable is when there is a gang of work people going to the all day thing, so they have each other. Otherwise, even if there are other friends, it is completely unacceptable.