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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is it poor form to invite only one person in a married couple?

116 replies

Bananamash · 01/06/2011 13:13

AIBU?

This morning we have had a wedding invite for one of DH's very close friends. DH and this man have been friends since about 15. I met him when DH and I started going out together when I was 17- so I have known him for almost ten years.

DH and this man did used to be very close friends and see each other regularly, usually weekly, until he moved around the country to be with his soon to be wife. She seems a lovely girl, but we're not really friends. I suppose myself and this man were never really chummy or anything, but on when we were younger every weekend we would go out as a group of us, and we try and do the same now, babysitters permitting. He has been moving around the country for the last few years, so all of our group of friends have seen less of him. DH is going on his stag do.

The invite is just for DH during the day and I am invited just to the evening event. AIBU to think this is a bit off?

The wedding is being held about an hour and a half away, which means most people are having to get hotels etc, not really easy just to pop in for a few hours etc.

Maybe I am being precious, but I wouldn't have thought this was the done thing at all. We had several couples at our wedding where we were very chummy with one but not the other member, and have been to lets of weddings where this is the case.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 01/06/2011 14:32

No! you are not being unreasonable...

Tis the height of bad manners! If money is an issue then don't invite the couple...

To split them up in the way you describe is rude/bad mannered and gives a poor impression of the couple getting married. It's bound to cause antagonism..

Who wants to start married life on that footing?

At our wedding last year we invited complete couples...and children and made sure that they were sat together.

sausagesandmarmelade · 01/06/2011 14:39

and there were quite a few of hubs friends/colleagues that I hadn't met before the wedding...and vis versa. It was a fabulous opportunity to meet all of them.

Hubs and I definitely don't do everything together. We both have groups of friends who we see independently (as well as together) and have separate hobbies, but weddings are occasions when/where couples should be invited together (I think).

Strikes me as very odd that anyone would contemplate not doing so....

BilboBloggins · 01/06/2011 14:42

This has happened to me before.
Last year we were invited to DHs cousin's wedding. The wedding was in Kent, we are in Scotland. DCs not invited - not a problem. Quite fancied a rare child free weekend.
Then the accompanying letter fell out. DH invited all day. I was invited to church, but not meal and I could join them in the evening. Complete with the invitation was a list of places in the area I might like to visit to keep myself occupied, and a list of places I might find to eat!!! I sent DH himself.
There were a few others in the same boat, none of whom I knew from Adam.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 14:44

Glad others see it my (possibly old-fashioned) way, Checkmate and buublecoral

toosoft · 01/06/2011 14:48

My DH would not be going to a wedding if I wasn't invited too.

Wamster · 01/06/2011 14:56

The wedding is for the couple who are getting married not ones who already are, if they only wish to invite half of a couple, it is up to them, as long as they don't invite some spouses and not others, I don't know why anybody would get worked up about it.
People go to work alone, to bathe/shower alone, to the loo alone, what the heck is so different about a wedding?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 01/06/2011 15:05

A wedding is an event to celebrate marriage, being one of a couple a partnership. to split couples up at an event designed to celebrate such is imo weird.

I enjoy my dh's company and wouldn't want to attend an event like that without him particularly if there were loads of other couples there. Nothing like feeling like billy no mates to ruin a day.

I do believe this is a snub if he is good enough to be an usher for them then you should be invited (childfree if that is their preferance). To invite other spouses (particularly of those who are not close enough to be ushers) quite frankly stinks. I wouldn't be in a hurry to meet up with this couple of 'friends' any time soon.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 15:06

Wamster - I think it's about the institution of marriage. If you care enough about that to do the whole big wedding thing (which they are) then it's pretty ironic/rude to split up a married couple. I don't really know how better to explain it than that.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 15:07

Also, an usher is doing the couple a favour. To not invite the spouse suggests you don't acknowledge that

MintyMoo · 01/06/2011 15:11

Bilbo - shocking. I wouldn't have gone either.

That happened to me once except both DP and I were not deemed important enough to attend the Wedding Breakfast. Half of our group of friends were, half weren't. We were also given a list of places we could go, all in a really horribly rough area. Luckily we were close enough to go home in between (the Church and Reception venues were in different counties so there was no point staying where the Church was anyway). Quite a few mates traipsed back to ours so we had to emergency tidy as soon as we got back. Then the Wedding Breakfast overran so we had to wait an hour outside in the rain before we were permitted entrance to the building for the evening do. It was very embarrassing, firstly when we had to split off from those going to the Wedding Breakfast (obviously they asked why we weren't going with them), secondly when waiting in the cold and the rain for an hour and thirdly when we arrived sopping wet in front of those friends invited to the whole do.

I wanted to decline but DP insisted not going would be rude. I note you're only expected to send a gift if invited to the ceremony so I think it's very rude - if you invite someone to the ceremony they should be welcome for the whole day. If there are people like work colleagues you want to not invite to the Breakfast then just invite them in the evening.

Traipsing around the countryside with various trains and taxis and having to wait around in the middle of the day was a right pain in the arse. I'd have been happier to have just been invited to the evening do.

TheBolter · 01/06/2011 15:20

Happened to me once.

The groom knew dh, attended our wedding (and tried to cop off with my 15 year old dsis - he was in his early thirties), but when he got married only dh was invited.

Dh didn't go, he felt it wrong to have been invited without me. I didn't care much anyway, the bloke was a twat!

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 15:25

Wamster - it's not considered socially normal to take your spouse to work. It is, however, considered normal to socialise with them. That's not even taking into account the ushering. To exclude the spouse of an usher is rude, full stop. To exclude them when other spouses in the same group of friends have been invited us just dreadful.

OP - this is highly rude. Obv you can't tell your DH to just go to the evening do, but in your shoes I think that I'd be hoping that he came to that decision himself. However the couple choose to justify this, it's rude and a snub to you. What they've done is, quite simply, not acceptable. This puts your DH in a very difficult position. On the one hand, I'm sure that he will not want to "rock the boat" with his friends. However, by acting as usher as thought nothing has happened, your DH would effectively be implying that it's ok to exclude and snub you like this. Awkward one for him...

killingTime · 01/06/2011 15:26

I had this happen with a wedding invite pre DC - wish I had not bothered got stuck in middle of nowhere hotel all afternoon by myself left feeling resentful. Never really had much time for the couple since really.

Since then always been invited as a couple - though have not been since DC as no babysitters and have always sent DH by himself - which so far everyone has been happy with.

bubblecoral · 01/06/2011 15:33

I agree Zombie. The worst thing about all of this is now op's dh is in the horrible position of either declining to be an usher for his friend, who may end up feeling let down, or to make the statement by attending that it's ok for his friend to snub his wife. And it's not ok. And either way, he's not going to be able to enjoy the wedding as much as he should be able to.

That is exactly the reason why social ettiquette exists. So that people don't get offended, or have to make difficult descisions.

sausagesandmarmelade · 01/06/2011 15:35

I know full well my hubs would refuse to go to a wedding where I wasn't invited....however much I tried to encourage him to go. What a cheek! Expecting him to be usher and then not even inviting his wife!!!

I too would refuse to go to a wedding where my husband wasn't invited....

Being married is very different to being single...and you should be seen as a unit...where weddings invites are concerned!

Charleymouse · 01/06/2011 15:38

Banana could your DH have said it would be okay when asked about numbers as he was flattered about being an usher/ pissed . Maybe others who were asked said no way and there partners are invited. I know some men are not as savvy re weddings as we women are. We were not invited to DHs cousins wedding in the day as he (Groom) said he didn't think we would want to go to the registry bit as weddings are boring, he invited us for the bit he thought was important to us ie the party bit.

Original poster
Bananamash · 01/06/2011 15:43

Thanks for the responses.

My DH has actually just emailed the guy to clarify as he orginally told DH that all other halves were just the evening.

DH said he was pretty pissed off and wanted to find out exactly what the deal was.

Guy emailed back and said v sorry numbers etc, but no not all spouses going just a few, Hmm.

Dh has said we will talk about it when he gets in from work.

OP posts:
meditrina · 01/06/2011 15:44

I am, I think, one of the older MNetters, and inviting only one person of a married couple is not a breach of formal etiquette. The only time you must invite both halves of a couple is during their engagement.

That doesn't mean you can't find this particular set of circumstances odd/wrong, but to blame it on "poor form" generically would be unwise as many, and the older generation particularly, would simply not see a problem.

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 15:45

Sorry, but that's not a "numbers" thing. "Numbers" is when you say 'ok, we're going to draw the line at first cousins and the second cousins are out'. This is picking and choosing.

JamieAgain · 01/06/2011 15:45

How old meditrina? Gwan tell us!!!

I am 95

ZombiePlan · 01/06/2011 15:49

Meditrina - not according to Debretts

meditrina · 01/06/2011 16:09

Thanks ZombiePlan: I quote from your link: "There is no generally accepted rule", and it says one of the things you need to do is decide whether partners are to be invited.

This is a new issue - simply doesn't feature in earlier editions - say 1950/60s, where it is clear that each half of a married couple could have an independent social life, and there was absolutely no snub in solo invitations.

I'm not as old as 95! And I would absolutely loathe to be considered only one half of a unit. Presumably there is no generally accepted rule now because the rule is changing, and the earlier flexibility and expectation of post-marital independence is waning (which surprises and disappoints me). I think I'm glad to stick firmly in the old-fashioned camp on this one.

sausagesandmarmelade · 01/06/2011 16:15

Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. Most importantly, make a policy decision on whether children and babies will be invited to the wedding.

Well there you have it.....
I can't imagine that the older generation would be more 'approving' of splitting up married couples...or not inviting one part of that couple...in fact I would think it were more likely to be the other way round.

sausagesandmarmelade · 01/06/2011 16:17

There is generally no rule for all partners of guests but then it goes on to quite clearly state that married guests (or those in long term partnerships) should be invited.

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2011 16:21

I agree with everyone else about the invitation issue, but that aside, why does everyone think the only option is to hang around in the hotel climbing the walls? Get on the internet, find stuff to do - places you won't have been a million times before! There might even be an MNer in the area up for a meet up!