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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked/horrified that this child had a dummy?

100 replies

Kitsilano · 31/05/2011 22:35

I'd say he was at least 3 years old, at the swimming pool with mum and dad, swimming happily, jumping off the side etc...with a dummy in his mouth at all times.

I know children can be attached to dummies (my DD1 had one) but surely not in the pool?!!

OP posts:
MaybeTomorrow · 01/06/2011 09:22

There is another thing to this... maybe without the dummy he would cry and subconsciously will relate that to the swimming pool and it may put him off going swimming in the future? Just a thought...

Original poster
Kitsilano · 01/06/2011 09:25

Yes yes OK! I get the message! Shocked and horrified is an overreaction (though to be fair I only put that cos if I put "mildly interested" I didn't think anyone would bother reading the thread) and in fact any sort of judgeyness entirely inappropriate as there may have been a SN that I was not aware of - and furthermore I should not have assumed I could tell just by looking.

Thank you all - I am chastened and corrected.

OP posts:
BsshBossh · 01/06/2011 09:26

YABU and very judgemental. My DD (3) never had a dummy (we never offered it) but even I don't judge on this. There are so many reasons why a 3 year old may still need a dummy. If the child had been 5 I would be a little more Hmm but I still wouldn't be horrified.

BsshBossh · 01/06/2011 09:26

X-posted with you OP, sorry!

shinyshoes · 01/06/2011 09:33

My friends ds2 has a dummy and he's 3.6 years, it doesn't bother me and i'm certainly not horrified, just a little smug that i got my DD off of it at 3 years Grin

BrainSurgeon · 01/06/2011 09:52

DS is almost 3 and I'm trying to build up the courage to wean him off it.. He only has it at bedtimes or when distressed, but I feel it's time.
Aaaanyway well done OP for mending your judgy ways :-)
*WriterOfDreams" I just wanted to tell you that I was at a soft play a few days ago and there was a boy with SN who was being very brave and climbing on the stuff with a very determined look on his face... I smiled at him - didn't get an initial reaction, saw him a few minutes later and out of the blue gave me a lovely beaming smile :)

LittleOneMum · 01/06/2011 10:01

OP I think you have been very harshly judged...
I admit it, if it had been me, I'd have been a bit Shock as well, as I think dummies on older children stops them developing their speech. So - you're not the only one who would have been a bit judgey. Whether or not it is fair or appropriate to be judgey is completely another question... (and having looked at everyone else's reaction, I think the answer to that is no!)

Grin
cory · 01/06/2011 10:33

All I can say is that I wish dd had had a dummy at 3- then maybe she wouldn't still have been sucking her fingers at 8.

TheMonster · 01/06/2011 10:35

I would have judged. Getting rid of DS's dummy when he was 2 is one of the few things I have done right as a parent and that means I can judge Grin

WriterofDreams · 01/06/2011 10:37

That's lovely BrainSurgeon :) A small gesture that means a lot.

Bellapig · 01/06/2011 10:53

The poster who said dummies after a certain age interfere with tooth development and speech is right, unfortunately. If they've got a dummy in their mouth they can't talk. I don't get it, would some mums rather their kids didn't talk to them?!

usualsuspect · 01/06/2011 10:58

My sister still sucks her thumb and shes 40

yabu

hazeyjane · 01/06/2011 11:03

BodyofEeyore just because you got rid of your dcs dummy at 2, doesn't mean that other people should/can, everyone's child/life/circumstances are different and unique.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/06/2011 11:08

Don't be so fucking stupid Bellapig Hmm

TheMonster · 01/06/2011 11:19

really, Hazeyjane? Hmm

youarekidding · 01/06/2011 11:21

I'm not horrified by dummies as my DS had one - so I technically forced this upon him. At 2yo they became nightime only and a few months later the dummy fairy took them away for babies who needed them and left a shiny new car. Grin

I admittedly have pulled the Hmm face when a boy (yrR 5yo) from my street walks to school chatting away dummy in mouth. But I guess its each to their own.

I totally agree with writerofdreams about SN as I too work with children with SN. But the boy ^^ doesn't have SN.

My DS - ever the tactful soul Hmm did say to my friends DD (4yo at the time) why did she still have dummies hadn't the dummy fairy taken hers. The girl wanted to leave them out that night stating she didn't need them but her mum said 'I don't think they'll take yours you still need them to sleep'. The girl left them out, got nothing and through them in the bin the next day cursing the stupid dummy fairy. Grin Never ever used them again despite her mum's ademence she needed them.

I just explained her dummies were older and had holes in them so the babies couldn't use them but praised for being willing to give them up.

We all perent differnently. Dummies are a no no full stop for some, fine for others for a period and a way to babyfy their DC's for others.

I'm lucky the fairy thing worked for DS but do think as parents when we give our child something for comfort we have to be very careful about ripping it away from them suddenly.

kingbeat23 · 01/06/2011 11:53

Before I had children I swore I would never used dummies and like OP at the beginning of the thread, judged harshly anyone using them and equated it to lazy parenting.

Then I had DD who had feeding problems and was shown a trick that some parents used with SN kids and dummies sometimes started the sucking reflex. I then quickly switched the dummy for bottle and she was feeding again.

DD is now 2 and has a vast vocabulary but I am aware that she nw uses it for comfort. I would like to start reducing dummy time, and she is getting better but I know that alot of it is to do with me not being firm enough in refusing her when she asks (screams) for it when upset. I spoke to the clinical psycologist that DD has been refered to and he assured me that having a dummy doesn't harm her development in terms of benig able to self comfort.

I am hoping to use the dummy fairy too when she starts being aware of the concept, but I, like the OP at the beginning of the thread would have judged a little had i not known what I do now about dummies.

hazeyjane · 01/06/2011 12:10

sorry, are you being sarcastic, bodyofeeyore, or do you just not agree with me?

keepingupwiththejoneses · 01/06/2011 12:19

My DS is 5 this month and has a dummy, he has autism and really can't cope without it.

BlackSwan · 01/06/2011 12:31

Someone made a comment further up about a kid using a dummy because he had 'sensory issues'. Is that a euphemism for something actually diagnosable or is it made up BS.

serendippity · 01/06/2011 12:45

I also admit to being slightly inwardly judgy if i saw this in a pool. This may be tho, because i know several people who do use dummies in all situations because it's easier for them than taking it away. I do totaly agree that it depends on the situation and the child, which no one ever really knows from the outside.
I also have to say that OP, although you may be slightly U on this, you are clearly a very reasonable person :)

MintyMoo · 01/06/2011 12:54

The poster who said dummies after a certain age interfere with tooth development and speech is right, unfortunately. If they've got a dummy in their mouth they can't talk. I don't get it, would some mums rather their kids didn't talk to them?!

I had a dummy until I was 7, no speech problems (aside from talking too much, a side effect of my special needs). I did have teeth problems, mine were very bad and caused by the fact my jaw is unusually small - I had 11 teeth removed and eventually had a brace to straighten the remaining teeth once I lost my last baby tooth at 17. My Orthodontist said if I hadn't have used a dummy my teeth would have been just as bad and that the dummy in no way affected it. My jaw is just that small, I don't even have a gap where my Wisdom teeth would be if I was going to develop them - my jaw is teeny.

The benefit of using the dummy (I wouldn't sleep without it, I gave it up before I turned 8 as my mouth was simply too big for it and it lost it's effect) far outweighed any negatives for me. I stopped napping at 6 months old and only slept at night. I had chronic sleep issues and if I hadn't had a dummy I would have slept yes. I daresay the negative effects of less sleep for my first 7 years would have done more harm than a few crooked teeth, easily corrected by a brace - fortunately my parents opted not to let the Orthodontist break and reset my jaw to correct my teeth.

MintyMoo · 01/06/2011 13:05

Someone made a comment further up about a kid using a dummy because he had 'sensory issues'. Is that a euphemism for something actually diagnosable or is it made up BS

Sensory issues cover a wide range. Many people with sensory issues will have Special Needs such as Autism, they may have Sensory Processing Disorder. My Grandfather has a sensory disability - he is blind.

I have Dyspraxia, I have sensory issues - I am hypersensitive to taste, smells and sounds. I am also hypersensitive to touch, I hate foreplay - it hurts. If DP strokes my cheek it hurts. If he kisses my knee when I'm hunched up crying - it hurts. Clothes irritate the hell out of me, they're itchy and uncomfortable. I wear a very narrow range of clothing as I can't tolerate most clothes. I'm so hypersensitive to touch I can tickle myself unintentionally - the lightest touch hurts and tickles.

I hate going in to supermarkets, or being in busy crowds. Recently I went with DP and my DM (both NT) to a store being opened in a large city. There were people everywhere, they were blaring very loud music and there were bright lights all around. I couldn't cope, it was horrible, the sensory overload was unbearable. I had to hide my face and stick my earlobes in my ears, folding the top part over my ear holes and covering with my hands to reduce the noise as much as possible. Even then it was way too loud. I hate pubs and bars for the same reason. Too much going on.

Certain smells affect me deeply. I'm in my 20s and still need to leave a car if it's having petrol added to it - if I stay in the car the smell of the petrol affects me so much I vomit. Other bad smells make me vomit, rotting food etc. I have to take great care to avoid them.

Sensory issues are very real. If sucking on a dummy helps a child who is like me then I'm all for it.

x2boys · 01/06/2011 16:46

my four year old pinches his one year old baby brothers dummy i dont mind him sucking it at home but not in public and he spits out if we go anywhere

BlackSwan · 01/06/2011 17:28

MintyMoo - thanks for the explanation - is there any treatment?