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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

advice please

65 replies

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:25

Complicated story but the short version is that I had a short relationship with someone from work, I'd recently split from my partner and he then left his girlfriend.

However, it turns out he (48years old) had left her (aged 30) for me as I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life. He's now changed his mind which is fine with me as I'd been trying to end it for weeks but he kept begging, and he wants to win her back.

The trouble is, he has told me how many women he's cheated on whilst being with her, one of them is her friend and I sort of feel she has a right to know before deciding whether to take him back. I know that doing this would ruin any friendship that I have with him but frankly he's an arrogant pratt and I don't want to be friends with him. If I was his ex-gf I'd want to know but if she's not going to take him back then it will cause her unnecessary hurt.

I keep trying to forget it but I keep thinking that if someone knew that about someone that had left me once and I was considering taking back, I'd bloody well want that person to tell me. Or is it unreasonable of me to tell her?

I did put this is in relationships but had 2 replies, 1 for telling her and 1 against so thought might get more replies on here.

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 29/05/2011 16:27

so you had an affair which he left HER for you and you want to tell her how many women he had been with? Are you going to tell her you were one of them? Sounds like you just want to get at him.Leave alone and move on.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:29

He left you so now you want to tell her he had other affairs? Feeling bitter are we? That's what happens when you steal someone else's man dear :) :)

Mmmmyesplease · 29/05/2011 16:29

So he left his girlfriend because of you (which must have been awful for her) and now he wants to get back with her but you think it's your job to tell her not to because he's a cheating twat? Doesn't she realise this since he's already done that with you??

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 16:30

you sound bitter and scorned

RunAwayWife · 29/05/2011 16:31

One word.... YUCK

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:31

Are you on here for us to feel sorry for you and to go and fuck up her life too?
Tut tut as that's not going to happen.

belledechocchipcookie · 29/05/2011 16:32

I agree with Monsta, keep out of it. She knows he's a lying, cheating ar$e, you don't need to tell her any more as it will just make you look as though you're out for revenge.

Original poster

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:33

We didn't have an affair - we were both single but he recently he told me that the reason he left her was because of his love for me. And no I'm not bitter, he was a nightmare, virtually an alcoholic and I'd been trying to leave for the last 3 weeks and he kept begging me to stay.

OP posts:

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:34

Oh boo hoo hoo hoo. I left her for you that means something was going on.

Original poster

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:34

Do I really sound bitter and scorned? I think thats hilarious. I don't want any sympathy either and he's the one that has done something wrong not me.

OP posts:

Mmmmyesplease · 29/05/2011 16:35

I don't get why you care? What's it got to do with you? If he's such a loser surely she's worked that out already??

Original poster

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:36

Mollydollydoll - yes clearly in his mind there was but he told her he felt more for me than he'd ever felt for her and he had to find out if I felt the same. There was nothing going on, I'd just left my hb who had been emotionally and physically abusive for years so he also knew how vulnerable I was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:38

I don't really care I guess, but I feel sorry for her. He really is a shit, she's only 30 so could easily start again with someone else. As far as she's concerned this is the first time he's been unfaithful, it's not.

OP posts:

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:39

Notrealname my best advise is to leave it alone, you said he was a nightmare if he knows that you tell her it could get nasty.

Mmmmyesplease · 29/05/2011 16:39

I just don't think anyone will thank you, especially her, for getting involved. My advice is to move on with your own life and keep well out of it.

YellowDinosaur · 29/05/2011 16:40

Quit giving the OP a hard time - just because this man left his gf for her doesnt mean she was cheating on the gf with him.

OP YANBU for wanting to tell his gf about his cheating behaviour but it isn't going to come well from you is it - the responses of others on here just shows why. She will NEVER believe your motives are blameless and will just think you are bitter. Unfortunately I think you need to keep this to yourself unless you know someone else she is more likely to believe who will tell her

LilQueenie · 29/05/2011 16:40

Well if it was me I would possibly think you were stirring it as it had all came to an end. And quite possibly want to beat the crap out of you for getting involved.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:41

Remember he's the past try and forget it and find someone nice :)

YellowDinosaur · 29/05/2011 16:42

In fact this info coming from you (esp if he says you are bitter because he dumped you) is more likely to push her back to him I think. best keep it to yourself

jeckadeck · 29/05/2011 16:44

I'm not going to be as scathing as some of the posts here because I don't know your motives but its got to be said that regardless of your motives, you are the last person she will want to hear this from. If you genuinely think she needs to know about his proclivities, get someone else (a genuinely neutral party) to tell her. But she may know more than you give her credit for. Probably best left for everyone's sake.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 16:44

Also if you did something he might think your stirring it to get back with him, well we all know how a Mans mind works at times

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 16:46

move on, OP!

shuckleberryfinn · 29/05/2011 16:51

Its honestly not your business. You aren't her friend and she wont thank you for it. My advice is to leave well alone. Of both of them. Mollydollydoll, have you ever taken a good look at that phrase? Men have free will too, they aren't things and I'm not sure it's stealing if he went willingly.

Original poster

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:52

But wouldn't you all want to know if your boyfriend was shagging everything that moved?

OP posts:

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 16:53

from a friend, maybe.

from someone who shagged him while I was going out with him - are you fucking serious?

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