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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

advice please

65 replies

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:25

Complicated story but the short version is that I had a short relationship with someone from work, I'd recently split from my partner and he then left his girlfriend.

However, it turns out he (48years old) had left her (aged 30) for me as I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life. He's now changed his mind which is fine with me as I'd been trying to end it for weeks but he kept begging, and he wants to win her back.

The trouble is, he has told me how many women he's cheated on whilst being with her, one of them is her friend and I sort of feel she has a right to know before deciding whether to take him back. I know that doing this would ruin any friendship that I have with him but frankly he's an arrogant pratt and I don't want to be friends with him. If I was his ex-gf I'd want to know but if she's not going to take him back then it will cause her unnecessary hurt.

I keep trying to forget it but I keep thinking that if someone knew that about someone that had left me once and I was considering taking back, I'd bloody well want that person to tell me. Or is it unreasonable of me to tell her?

I did put this is in relationships but had 2 replies, 1 for telling her and 1 against so thought might get more replies on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:56

God, some of you are so judgemental. He'd left her before we'd even been out for lunch!!

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 16:59

but why are you getting involved?

It is Not Your Business.

Your question is AIBU. My reply is Yes.

And I don't give a fuck who you shag, I'm just saying if I was her I wouldn't want to be hearing it from you

LilQueenie · 29/05/2011 17:01

ever had someone end a realationship to be with someone else OP? Do you not realise this woman has emotions that went with that. Whether the breakup happened before or after you had been for lunch he clearly had you on his mind when they were together otherwise there would be no reason for him to leave her. You are the last person she needs to see.

TheFlyingOnion · 29/05/2011 17:05

I think the OP is about... ummm

22 years old. Possibly younger.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 29/05/2011 17:06

Oh boy. Look, OP, there have been some harsh words against you - please consider that there are several posters here who might actually be telling you like it is?...

If I were you I'd keep your nose right out of it. It is no longer your business. Did you read that??? IT IS NO LONGER YOUR BUSINESS.

In fact, I'd even have to say WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Really. Say nothing. Trust us on this.

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 17:09

you want rid of this man

if you interfere in his new old relationship, he is likely to get the hump and try to get revenge on you and you may not get rid of him quite so easily

leave it, not your business, nothing to do with you, move on, nothing to see here

maras2 · 29/05/2011 17:24

Sorry to be shouty but 'MIND YOUR OWN EFFIN' BUSINESS'

jeckadeck · 29/05/2011 17:44

maybe she does want to know, maybe she does know (or suspects) and is deliberately turning a blind eye. Either way, she won't thank you for sticking your neck in.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 19:47

Shuckle I was being funny no malice meant on the men post.
Not all men think with their dicks.

beesimo · 29/05/2011 19:55

Where is he getting all these daft women from is his mickey dangling with diamonds B asks herself, or is he a big fat fibber who has exaggerate to impress a silly bint who he has now tired of. Keep your mouth shut.

btw you don't have to stay a silly bint if you live and learn a bit one day you'll look back and think 'what a seedy little man he was yuck!'

emsyj · 29/05/2011 19:59

Have you considered the possibility that ... she already knows?

I think if he has really been shagging around for a long time, she probably knows. Whether or not she chooses to deal with it is her business.

Leave it alone. You will have egg on your face if you try to interfere. She will not thank you. You would not be 'doing the right thing' by telling her what she probably already knows.

MistressFrankly · 29/05/2011 20:14

I would leave well alone, you are only going to get a world of grief from him and most lkely a smack in the mouth from her! Whilst she might want to know what he has been up to when they were together, the last thing on earth she will want is to know that everyone else (ie YOU) knows what was going on. No one likes to be made to feel stupid and have their private life exposed.
Mind your own business - spend more time being concerned about the men you get involved with and less time involving youself in private matters. Life is not a soap opera dont behave like it is. Sounds to me like you cant let go.

fit2drop · 29/05/2011 20:22

you sound about 14

you say you were vulnerable when you got with him, implying no responsibility on your part. Hmm

so now he has dumped you and wants her back you (this is where you sound 14) were gonna dump him anyway.

You have a very unhealthy interest in him if you really wanted to finish with him.
Be honest with yourself, you are pissed off because he has decided you are not the be all and end all he hoped you would be and has decided that the 30 yr old is better than you.

Shit happens , deal with it and move on.

I am sure that she knows what a dick he is , he already broke her heart once (at least) she can decide fr herself if she wants to be with him...its none of your business, In th nicest possible way you need to jog the fuck on.

springydaffs · 29/05/2011 21:22

Don't know what planet everybody's on on this thread but yes, I'd want to know if my man was shagging everything that moved. Can't for the life of me understand why everyone thinks she'll know already - she probably doesn't, as most people who have been cheated on had no idea at all.

what I'm saying is YANBU to want to warn her OP. I don't think you want to do it out of malice (and the nasty posts on here suggest that people think you are like them, that is, nasty). It's a natural thing to want to do but how you'd do it I have no idea. If you told her she wouldn't thank you for it, not now anyway, but may be very grateful later on down the line that you stuck your neck out to try to save another woman from a truckload of heartache.

Original poster
Notrealname · 29/05/2011 21:32

Springy - thanks, I've been considering everything that has been said, most of it I know isn't true such as that I'm bitter, scorned and immature. She hasn't done anything to harm me so why would I want to tell her out of malice? He's bad news to be honest and I feel like I've had a lucky escape from him. It probably isn't my business but then if a child was about to be run over by a bus, should I keep walking as they're not my child?

OP posts:
Pictish · 29/05/2011 21:36

I think you're the last person that should be meddling here...she does not want advice or help from you.

Really.

emsyj · 29/05/2011 21:38

She's not a child about to be run over by a bus, though. She's a grown up who is in a relationship with an arsehole. She knows he's bad news. You will be sorry if you get any more involved with this - it won't end well.

FakePlasticTrees · 29/05/2011 21:47

She knows what she's doing, and if she doesn't, she won't suddenly see the light after you tell her he's a nasty cheating scum.

springydaffs · 29/05/2011 22:09

I get your point totally OP. There's a lot of that about eg none of my/your business. If you want to say something about just about anything you're told you're meddling/judgemental/projecting/arrogant blah blah blah blah.

drives me nuts. What you are considering doing is just ordinary imo, normal and ordinary. People talk on here about children/village but man/island seems to have been subverted - every man is an island, apparently, and every man has every right to do just plain what he likes when he likes how he likes and nobody says anything.

freeandhappy · 29/05/2011 22:15

i say tell her and i think its decent of you to care and want to spare her.. i would be extremely grateful. some really bitchy responses on here.

springydaffs · 29/05/2011 22:17

and while i'm on my soapbox - you're not allowed to say anthing because you're being patronising, apparently, if you do - or even if you think about saying anything, just as bad - because everyone has their own wisdom and their own dignity and everyone is well actually a GOD when it comes down to it - no-one makes mistakes, it's the er universe er teaching people a deeper wisdom and it comes out right in the end because the universe is gentle and kind and loving etc

Completely fucking MAD imo

thus endeth etc

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 30/05/2011 11:19

well if people don't want honest opoinions, don't post on the AIBU board.
FFS... OP you really DO need to grow up. This isn't all about you anymore. You're no longer in the picture. Right?

xstitch · 30/05/2011 11:40

Say nothing, she won't believe you and you will look like you are being petty. I understand why you want to say something but it would not end well. Poor girl hopefully she does see him for what he is.

nochy · 30/05/2011 11:49

She's not your look out. Stay out of it.

Groovee · 30/05/2011 15:12

Are you prepared for the fall out of telling her, where rumours can start and where you may end up being the complete bad guy in it all and people avoiding you and whispering? I'd stay out of it unless it was a good friend.

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