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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

advice please

65 replies

Notrealname · 29/05/2011 16:25

Complicated story but the short version is that I had a short relationship with someone from work, I'd recently split from my partner and he then left his girlfriend.

However, it turns out he (48years old) had left her (aged 30) for me as I was the one he wanted for the rest of his life. He's now changed his mind which is fine with me as I'd been trying to end it for weeks but he kept begging, and he wants to win her back.

The trouble is, he has told me how many women he's cheated on whilst being with her, one of them is her friend and I sort of feel she has a right to know before deciding whether to take him back. I know that doing this would ruin any friendship that I have with him but frankly he's an arrogant pratt and I don't want to be friends with him. If I was his ex-gf I'd want to know but if she's not going to take him back then it will cause her unnecessary hurt.

I keep trying to forget it but I keep thinking that if someone knew that about someone that had left me once and I was considering taking back, I'd bloody well want that person to tell me. Or is it unreasonable of me to tell her?

I did put this is in relationships but had 2 replies, 1 for telling her and 1 against so thought might get more replies on here.

OP posts:

dinesaw · 30/05/2011 16:44

Anonymous note in the post (get someone else to write it if he will recognise your writing). Then she will know (if she doesn't already) and you won't get any comeback. Obviously he can deny it but he could do that anyway if you told her face to face. You will have planted the seed which is all you can do.

fit2drop · 30/05/2011 17:08

dinesaw

are you for real!!!

I think your post says more about you actually.............

I think the OP needs to walk away and move on but seriously, if she does tell, she needs to do it openly and face to face not sneakily.

jesus!!!!

dinesaw · 30/05/2011 17:15

I am indeed for real. What would be gained by the OP telling the woman face to face - she likely resents her for being the cause of her relationship breaking down and will probably shoot the messenger lamp her one.

And what exactly does my post say about me? Or is that just, as I suspect, just some random bullshit you've come out with because I don't agree with you?

fit2drop · 30/05/2011 17:46

No not random bullshit.Anyone that thinks anonymous letters are a good response to anything are cowards. A bit like anonymous telephone calls and texts. If you have something to say , say it. But say it openly .

My goodness me, If someone had come on here saying they had received an anonymous letter I feel sure most posters would respond by saying its a cowardly gesture. Like I say the fact you thought it a reasonable response is at worst quite disturbing and at best quite childish . I will leave you to pick which one fits you.

Nothing would be gained by OP saying anything! either face to face or with a seedy nasty letter sent anonymously, The other woman is the innocent here not OP and not the guy.
OP needs to move on ..her telling the woman serves nothing.

Other woman likely already knows anyway...and if she doesnt it certainly is not the OP place to tell her.

OldMacEIEIO · 30/05/2011 17:52

get back with him, give it another go!
you should never give up this easily.

If that doesnt work out, let everyone know everything and ruin as many lives as you can

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/05/2011 17:59

I don't live in the universe you've described springydaffs and, and no doubt in common with numerous other m/netters, it's because I've made mistakes that I'm trying to pass my knowledge on in the hope that others may be spared any unnecessary hassle/pain/whatever.

If I were the unfortunate woman who is allegedy being wooed by her philandering exDP with a view to reconciliation, regardless of whether I was in a state of blissful ignorance or well-aware that my ex put it about on a regular basis, I would be highly suspicious of the motives of one of his bits of fluff who told me that she was merely one in a cast of hundreds and/or that he'd shagged a friend of mine

As far as the OP is concerned, she's had a failed relationship and the guy's history so why would she give him/his ex/his current activities any further thought or seek to meddle in his affairs? (no pun intended).

The OP is endeavouring to persuade herself, and by default readers of her post, that's she's motivated by altruism, but it's highly probable that if she goes through with her plan she'll be perceived as a bitter loser who is motivated by malice because the guy in question left her.

If you are totally lacking in sensitivity and don't give a flying fuck about what others think of you, go ahead OP - but please spare us a further post about the fall-out if, indeed, you ever find out the consequences of your actions as it's most unlikely that you're going become a bosom pal of your ex's ex unless she's as juvenile as you appear to be.

SardineQueen · 30/05/2011 18:13

"As far as the OP is concerned, she's had a failed relationship and the guy's history so why would she give him/his ex/his current activities any further thought or seek to meddle in his affairs?"

Because she is a nice person?

I agree with springydaffs. I would also want to know if I were the ex. Some men are right shits and it's best to find out sooner rather than later.

Although the OP needs to be aware that her revelations aren't going to make her miss popular, and may well not have any effect on the ex whatsoever.

SardineQueen · 30/05/2011 18:14

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a kicking. Are people misreading the OP - do they think that she was having an affair with the bloke and split them up in the first place?

I honestly don't get it.

fit2drop · 30/05/2011 18:31

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy absolutely.

Sardine I didnt mis read the OP and I am aware she didnt split them up or have an affair, however, what her intention is on "advising " his ex about his character is highly questionable , rather nasty and very much juvenile .
She has already stated she was going to dump him before he dumped her. So was she going to dump him and then tell his ex the same thing... no..of course not....this is just sour grapes because he had the presence of mind audacity to dump her

springydaffs · 30/05/2011 22:12

eh? I really don't get what some people on here are alluding to. I don't get at all that the OP wants to do this because of sour grapes or to cause trouble for the ex - simply that she's been conned by someone and wants to let the woman who is involved with him know that he's a shit and is lying to her. That's what I read from this anyway. I also think that an anonymous letter, or whatever, might be an option, as this would get the info over - which is the most important thing in all this, the whole point of the OP - whilst keeping disruption to a minimum re if the OP approached her personally it could throw up a smokescreen about the real reason for the OP wanting to impart the info - as is evidenced on here, where people seem to be reading things into this, having a strong reaction, that I just don't see from what the OP has told us. Imparting the info anon could be quite frightening for the woman, so would have been very human, honest and kind - woman to woman (which imo is what the OP is getting at).

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/05/2011 22:41

Whatever the OP's true reasons are, it's not a good idea to meddle in matters that should no longer be of any concern to her.

And doubly not a good idea as, presumably, she is still working in the same place as the guy she happily had a fling with now considers to be an arrogant prat.

As for sending an anonymous letter - that's the province of the sick, the twisted, and the cowardly.

And as for the idea of getting someone else to write it so that the OP will not be identified as the sick, twisted, fuck who sent it culprit, she will need to select the writer with considerable care otherwise she might just as well go round the streets with a loudhailer.

dinesaw · 31/05/2011 07:31

Excuse me? Sick and twisted? I was suggesting given someone a heads up that they are about to get back with a prick who's slept with their best friend not sending a severed animals head in the mail!
And since some of you have made assumptions about me here are some I've made about you. I get the impression that I've touched a nerve and some people on here would rather remain oblivious as to what THEIR men get up to.
And I don't think for one minute that anyone on here would go round to the womans house and tell her face-to-face - but feel free to keep up the pretence of being ever so virtuous from behind the safety of your keyboards.

magicmelons · 31/05/2011 08:12

I'm sure your hearts in the right place but you run the risk of bringing her world down around he, if he's been cheating with her friend etc, all based on what he told you. Men like this are liars and eventually they show their true colours. You figured it out on your own, perhaps she will as well.

If I were you I would not think it my place to tell after all, like other posters here she will probably believe you are doing it out of spite. IME women who date serial cheats deep down know what sort of men they are and it always come out in the end when she is ready to see.

WhataWitch · 31/05/2011 08:28

Personally I reckon that if she takes him back knowing that he is fickle and changes his mind as often as the wind, without even knowing about his less then gentlemanly behaviours, then thats her own idiotic fault. I would imagine that she too knows how much of a knob he is, I'm sure he didn't become an alcoholic overnight. If she choses to go back let her get on with it. If I were you, I'd wash my hands of this scum bag and his ex/prospective partners.
He sounds like a real jerk off!

fit2drop · 31/05/2011 20:19

dinesaw Tue 31-May-11 07:31:10
Excuse me? Sick and twisted? I was suggesting given someone a heads up that they are about to get back with a prick who's slept with their best friend not sending a severed animals head in the mail!

yeah a sneaky anonymous heads up , how fuckin cowardly is that.

And since some of you have made assumptions about me here are some I've made about you. I get the impression that I've touched a nerve and some people on here would rather remain oblivious as to what THEIR men get up to.

I don't have to know what my man gets up to every second of the day , doesnt mean I'm oblivious, means I trust him and some anonymous sick note from a disturbed and twisted bitter EX would not make me think differently.

And I don't think for one minute that anyone on here would go round to the womans house and tell her face-to-face

Absolutely got that bit right cos I wouldnt bother trying to contact AT ALL(far too much self respect. dinity and integrity for that)

but feel free to keep up the pretence of being ever so virtuous from behind the safety of your keyboards.

as opposed to what ..... sending anonymous letters through the post , that I get someone else to write (to stop it getting back to being me)to some innocent girl who may or may not want to get back to her prick of an ex.

Dinesaw , What a nice person you are, your integrity shines through your post

The brain is connected to the spine.Why don't you try to get them working in tandem for a change.

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