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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dp won't get divorced

93 replies

gkys · 29/05/2011 08:50

dp and I have been together for 7 years, we have three beautiful DS, he has been sperated from his wife since 2000 (before I met him) yet he is still reluctent to get a divorce, he says that she cost him enough during the marriage and seperation (not a legal seperation btw) and so won't spend another penny on her.

I really think that its time he got his divorce sorted AIBU

OP posts:

LatteLady · 29/05/2011 18:13

Unfortunately people rarely change their next of kin, once nominated... it would not surprise me if this was the case of the OP. After all, when you are young and fit how often do you attend a hospital? And unfortunately if you are unable to communicate, how will you change it?

CarryOnUpTheAIBU · 29/05/2011 18:16

I don't really know how divorce works when there's no DCs - would he still have to pay her maintenance? Or is that only when there are DCs to pay for?

mumblechum1 · 29/05/2011 18:22

Notwithstanding the next of kin issue if he needs medical treatment, if he died tomorrow, under the law of intestacy, his wife woud automatically inherit the first £240,000 plus a life interest in the remainder.

So if you have a house in joint names as tenants in common, you'd have to sell to give her his half.

I'm a will writer and if you need any more info, you can contact me (I have a paid for advert on Small Business Classifieds.)

Apart from the will aspect, it doesn't make any sense for him to say that she'll get money out of him if they divorce. Sounds as though there are no joint assets and as there are no children, it's unlikely that he' have to pay her a penny.

He could issue proceedings on the basis of 5 years separation without using solicitors. The court fee on issue is £340 plus £40 when he applies for the final order (formally Decree Absolute).

2rebecca · 29/05/2011 18:32

I wouldn't have children with a man without the legal protection of marriage, and definitely not 3 with someone who was married to someone else.
You say you just recently found out, does that mean you lived with this guy and were just a passive Polly never asking about his marital state or did he lie to you?
Either way this sounds a dodgy relationship.

Sextilis · 29/05/2011 18:46

I am genuinely surprised how you can be so blase about the exact legal standing of your relationship when you have 3 children. It sounds like at no point in the child planning process did you discuss wills or your future honestly.
The fact he is still legally married to someone else is a big deal IMO. Others have pointed out the next of kin and financial implications already. My Uncle died before he was divorced and his wife assumed responsibility for his funeral etc, she was legally entitled to do this as this had not been covered in the seperation agreement and she banned his partner of 3 years from all the services etc, not nice.
Regardless of whether or not he wants to marry you when he is free he should consider his children and do everything in his power to clarify the position so that they are protected if something happens him.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 18:49

actually nok,he can nominate op by writing to gp.easy to nominate nok
the financial stuff not so easy, and does need action
it is a most peculiar set of circumstances

muminthemiddle · 29/05/2011 19:10

Perhaps the op assumed her dp was divorced?
If marriage is not on the cards for the op then I can see how this could happen.
However, I have to agree with other posters. You have the most to lose. His wife is still his next of kin. Seriously, no matter how "nice" a person appears given the chance of inheriting what is legally theirs, do you really believe that they would hand everything over to you? I doubt so.

Insist that he gets a divorce and if he won't ask him why not.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 19:21

no,you are mixing nok up with wills,finances
any capable adult can be this man nok he can nominate whom he wishes
the estate he leaves and issue of wife isn't related to nok

nok is usually applied in health care settings,and as i said he can nominate his current girlfriend as nok if he wishes. easily done

Youcantaffordme · 29/05/2011 20:10

Is it the wife that's a Catholic, perhaps, and does not want to divorce - maybe that was the problem.

smokinaces · 29/05/2011 20:22

If there are no children or financial obligations I find it strange he wont divorce for just £400.

My ex-H and I are still technically married. We both want a divorce - however, neither of us are in a financial position to do it. And he owes me £800+ in child maintenance which I have said comes before paying out for a divorce.

His live in girlfriend doesnt like it. But she knew all this when she got with him.

I find it strange you didnt know this about your partner. Especially after this long a period.

AppleyEverAfter · 29/05/2011 20:29

YANBU but he's probably scared that you'll want to get married if he gets a divorce...

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 20:35

op you need a plausible explanation why he purposefully concealed he is still actually married

he has made a sizeable part of your life together a lie - now i hope you both can recover and promise to each other no more lies

TheFeministsWife · 29/05/2011 21:05

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall
It would be a really vile woman who, after being separated for 11 years, would actually "battle" it out for whatever was in the will - and take it from his children.

I agree! But it does happen unfortunately. My DSD's aunt was with her DP for 19 years they had a son together. He had never divorced his first wife as him and DSD's aunt never wanted to get married. When he died DSD's aunt had to fight for the house she lived in with her son from the first wife because the wife wanted claim on everything even though their children together were fully grown and they hadn't been together in 20 years.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:09

unfortunately money does cause people to do terrible things or resolve old scores

carabos · 29/05/2011 21:16

OP are you sure he was ever married? is it possible that he's made up the ex-wife and his still-married status to avoid coming under pressure to marry you? just a thought....

scottishmummy · 29/05/2011 21:21

oh dear god thats just too sinister to suggest

Youcantaffordme · 29/05/2011 21:22

I agree. My aunt's long-term (unmarried) partner outlived her, and when he died his family behaved appallingly. He had nothing bar a few hundred pounds in the bank and his personal items, but they were under the impression that he had some claim on the house. The house had in fact belonged solely to my aunt (left to her by her deceased husband) and she had left it to my cousin who was her only child. My cousin had let the old boy live there for the rest of his life because that was her mother's wish. His extended family had always treated my cousin "like one of their own" but goodness, how quickly they turned nasty when things didn't go their way.

Urbanvoltaire · 29/05/2011 21:23

gkys, I havent read the whole of this thread so apologies if I'm repeating anything here - I was in the same situation as you, OH married with 3 kids to his ex, he had seperated/moved out and we got together a year later and I had a DD who is now 9. I nagged him about it for years and it wasnt until I got so fed up (with this and a few other matters) about 3 years ago I gave him a 2 week ultimatum - either he sorts it out or we're through. It wasnt because I wanted to get married to him but more the principal of him being unmarried. looking back, I should have insisted on it many years prior but hindsight is a wonderful thing right. He didnt have a will and still doesnt now fwiw.

We are fine together now despite having been through a few rocky patches.

Good luck with the future, I hope you get it sorted as it can leave you unsettled.

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