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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp won't get divorced

93 replies

gkys · 29/05/2011 08:50

dp and I have been together for 7 years, we have three beautiful DS, he has been sperated from his wife since 2000 (before I met him) yet he is still reluctent to get a divorce, he says that she cost him enough during the marriage and seperation (not a legal seperation btw) and so won't spend another penny on her.

I really think that its time he got his divorce sorted AIBU

OP posts:
MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 29/05/2011 10:51

i think the withholding privilages was just a joke (see the Grin after the sentence)

FakePlasticTrees · 29/05/2011 10:54

Withholding "privilages" is just really childish.

on the other hand, OP is shagging someone else's husband....

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/05/2011 10:56

please do make sure you have a will

sadly my dh died a few weeks ago and we didnt have a will and life has been so complicated with all the financial crap :( - and we were married/no kids/no ex wife etc so should have been easy iyswim

your set up is much more complicated and you as his live in lover will be entitled to nothing and neither will his kids as ALL will go to his wife as law

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 29/05/2011 10:56

It would be a really vile woman who, after being separated for 11 years, would actually "battle" it out for whatever was in the will - and take it from his children.

Vile indeed.

But your DP needs to safeguard against this kind of thing, not for you, for his children.

And as for the comments about why did you have children with a married man in the first place - ignore them, this line of questioning is completely pointless. Sometimes shit happens - we're not all perfect.

Original poster
gkys · 29/05/2011 11:12

fakeplastictrees read OP they have been seperated for ten years,I am quiet sure she couldn't give a monkeys, esp as she left him, put your claws away and your sense of humour seems to have been misplaced too.... Wink

am really not a home wreaking child breeding adultress

cheers merightyouwrong....

sorry for your loss blondes how are you holding up?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 29/05/2011 11:39

This is very odd indeed. I think he is fightened that if he is divorced you will demand that he marries you, and he obviously has a problem with that. I don;t mean he has a problem with you, only that he clearly doesn't want to remarry but he can't quite articulate why, so staying married gives him the perfect cop-out. After a certain amount of time can you not divorce someone without their co-operation? Maybe you could contact his ex and ask her to do it!

FellatioNelson · 29/05/2011 11:41

Also want to add that personally, I would feel very uncomfortable knowing that I had lived with someone for years, had three children with them, and they were still legally married to someone else. My DH and I both pushed our divorces through at the earliest opportunity as soon as we decided to start a family.

nijinsky · 29/05/2011 11:51

From his point of view, theres no advantages to him in getting divorced. He doesn't have to sort out any more financial provision for his wife, he has a new partner with you and stable family life. So there is nothing in it for him. For you OTOH its completely unreasonable and also rather selfish and short sighted of him. I think you have to now put your foot down and stop tolerating it any more. If you make a fuss and make him aware it is making you deeply unhappy, and he still doesn't do anything, then I think it tells you that the balance of power in the relationship is skewed. And in that case I'd be seriously thinking about what is in it for you.

Takeresponsibility · 29/05/2011 11:54

DH and I are happily un-divorced, have lived with DP for last couple of years and it doesn't bother any of us (Have nisi, CBA to sort out the rest -I suppose I'll get round to it one day, but right now there are more important things to do - eat,sleep etc). Your DP could feel the same rather than this being some weird and bizarre plan to thwart OP or him having issues with getting divorced.

Do some rtesearch, find out the current court fees - you don't need a solicitor to get divorced, although I would advise you get one to draw up a consent order (separates their money from each other for ever) and to write a will for each of you to protect your children.

Mollydollydoll · 29/05/2011 12:29

Maybe he doesn't want to get married again and by getting divorced it will mean he's free to remarry you. Don't mean it in a nasty way either. I've been married once so never again and my DP knows that too.

Kewcumber · 29/05/2011 12:45

I think you may also find that she is his next of kin so would be required to give consent to medical procedures if he was not capable.

Vallhala · 29/05/2011 12:45

"Why did you have children with him when he wasn't divorced? If the first one was a surprise baby, why did you go on to have two more children with him, knowing he was married to another woman?"

hmm WTF?

Because we no longer live in the Dark Ages! - Quote my fouurteen year old!

Good grief, it's not as if the OP had an affair and lured the man from his heartbroken wife! Give her a break.

Gastonladybird · 29/05/2011 12:52

It may be as exactly as he says- actuly getting a divorce may cost him. I am not a specialist but it may be he is worried that whatever they agreed is not sufficient. The problem is (as others have said) that at very least needs proper advice on making a will to provide for your dc as if nothing in place e may have a claim . Can you not approach him with that sort of argument?

If you and he don't want to get married then IMHO that shouldn't stop him Doing a bit of housekeeping (him being free to marry doesn't mean he can be coerced into marrying you or anyone else so this sounds a daft fear for him to have).

worraliberty · 29/05/2011 12:56

Dark ages or not, I personally would feel I had little to no self respect to have 3 children with a man who refuses to divorce his wife.

Original poster
gkys · 29/05/2011 13:00

Grin @ vallhalla think I have become the she devil.

atswimtwolengths yes they were planned all three of them Shock

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 29/05/2011 13:41

Obviously having a child before being married isn't a problem.

I just wondered, what with cheap divorces and contraception and the fact he was separated anyway, why she and he made the decision to have children at that point.

Nothing to do with the middle ages, ffs! Just seems the normal thing to do - divorce your wife before having a child with another woman, or ask your man to divorce before you agree to have a child.

After all, she's in this (unideal) situation now so her actions couldn't have been right at the time, could they?

atswimtwolengths · 29/05/2011 13:42

Exactly my point, worraliberty.

atswimtwolengths · 29/05/2011 13:44

Vallhalla, so if your 14 year old daughter came to you in a few years and said she's living with a man who's separated from his wife and is planning to have a family with him, wouldn't you suggest to her that maybe he should divorce before she gets pregnant?

Surely it's better to legally end one relationship before having a child with someone else?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2011 14:03

Ooh, it's the other side of the coin from the more usual responses I give - the legal advantage of being married when the bad times come.

Whilst your DP remains fit, healthy, and committed to you and the children, it's not really an issue. But his legal next of kin (in the hospital and on the settling of his eatate on death) is, and will continue to be, his legal wife. Living separate lives counts for nothing.

He is being a selfish arse over this. He needs to protect you and the children in the event of future disaster. It surely must be easier and cheaper to divorce (it's not going to be contested, is it?) than to set up other legal instruments.

Nobody expects to be hit by a bus. But everybody dies sometime, and if he dies still married to her, you and the children and the ones to bear the cost. Put a rocket up his arse and make sure he gets this dealt with.

Jaspants · 29/05/2011 14:07

I agree that this needs to be formalised - he certainly needs a will, but preferably divorcing her

Original poster
gkys · 29/05/2011 14:15

thanks for the insight, some of the posts have given me food for thought, others show how small minded people can be.

but thats the glory of mumsnet isn't it? wonder if you would have made the same points face to face atswimtwolengths and worraliberty (in case you were concerned self respect is intact dispite your best attempts to insult me and my family, and family planning)

OP posts:
Original poster
gkys · 29/05/2011 14:18

I only recently found out that he was still married btw

OP posts:
MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 14:27

I only recently found out that he was still married btw
Confused

i suppose it can slip ones mind fairly easily lol

Vicky2011 · 29/05/2011 15:18

gkys believe me that last post is the most disturbing thing you have written. Your DP has been with you for 7 years, fathered 3 children with you and you have only recently found out that he is not divorced. Sorry, I really don't think it makes me small minded to say that that rings massive alarm bells Shock

MonstaMunch · 29/05/2011 15:20

what vicky said