dp won't get divorced

[gkys]

dp and I have been together for 7 years, we have three beautiful DS, he has been sperated from his wife since 2000 (before I met him) yet he is still reluctent to get a divorce, he says that she cost him enough during the marriage and seperation (not a legal seperation btw) and so won't spend another penny on her.

I really think that its time he got his divorce sorted AIBU

Gkys you've only just found out, fuck me his bags would be packed by now, why did he now tell you before? Something doesn't sound right to me.
Your relationship doesn't sound very tight at all.

I'm actually shocked by what you've said OP
Do you actually live with this man?

Er, gkys? How on earth can you be with someone for 7 years and have three kids with him and not know he was still married??

I'll hazard a guess that he was brought up as a Catholic.
No matter who / what he does now, "divorce" is a step too far.
Live with it.
Get the wills sorted out.
Then all will be fine for minimal expense.

If you want to understand how BIG a thing this is for those of a Catholic background, watch Malta tearing itself apart at the moment.

I'm an atheist. He's being a fool. But, this is a part of his psyche that it will cost you nothing to bypass.

Yes, this would ring massive alarm bells with me, too. He may not have told you because he is a fool- sorry, but morality does not come into this for me. You having three children with him when he is still legally wed is not a bad thing because of 'dark age's mentality but I would guess most people here see at as a bad thing because, like me, they see it could cause you legal problems. Sweet F.A. to do with dark ages! It's simply a legal thing.

So do not be swayed by any accusations that people who see your situation as less than ideal (to say the least) are saying so out of old-fashionedness. They are saying so because, legally, you are in a precarious situation.

Or he DOES see it as important and has therefore lied to you for years. A fool or a liar -that is what he is.

Sorry but something doesn't sit tight on this, can't put my finger on it. Next time OP tell us all the facts from the beginning

Sorry OP but he's the liar and your the fool for not knowing bugger all about your so called spouse.

Sorry but balls to his psyche- marriage is not just a religious thing, it is a legal status and I don't give a s**t what his views are. He should get divorced. Simple as that.
Besides which, it's ridiculous to form a family unit with another person yet refuse to divorce your ex because of faith. What a load of baloney! If divorce is that bad, to people why the hell do they live with new partners? After all is not 'living in sin' awful in the eyes of Catholics? Surely they should lead a life of celibacy alone?
I am an atheist and if religion IS the reason people won't get divorced yet they see nothing wrong with the conce[t of starting up lives with other people I can see why!

Yes well the having children when not married, ok, that happens, the not having a will, yes sure that happens a lot too, the taking a long time to get divorced, sure yes that happens too BUT the not telling your partner for 7 years that you are STILL married? That's the unusual bit. OP - actually you do need to get that sorted. Why on earth had he not mentioned this?

I'd be dubious. Im currently going through a divorce and started the process as soon as i could. H and i both want it over and done with asap. I'm in a new relationship and pregnant, admittedly timing wasn't ideal but its another reason for me to push the divorce through before LO arrives. I find it very odd he wont get a divorce. If he applies for it its £340 court fee and then £45 to go from decree nisi to decree absolute. Mines involved no solicior at all i sat down and filled out the forms myself

he withheld significant info,still married thats a biggie.by anyone book

good grief 3kids and hes not been truthful. im sorry this doesnt bode well at all

when you say "found out" did he volunteer spontaneously or did you find out without his cooperation

would he ever have told you spontaneously

did his family play part in colluding with this,did they know you believed him to to divorced but not put you straight

He doesn't want to free himself up to marry again.

No way would I want to marry this two faced liar. More fool you if you do as your relationship will be based on lies. You seriously need shaking OP open your eyes and smell the fucking coffee

This has got to be a wind up surely? only just found out???

Re the religious excuses....... Absolute hokey. I'm Irish and live in Ireland and I can tell you that if you posted this on an Irish forum you'd have received very similar responses. It's bullshit. A man who has three more children with his girlfriend despite still being married is not wrestling with the concept of divorce. That is not his crisis of conscience. His crisis is that he may one day be free to commit to you.

he doesnt want to marry you,and ex-w is useful excuse.hes a stalling
he has purposefully mislead you,the father if your kids is decitful. what else is he or will he lie to you about

your life with him is a lie

sorry to be so blunt but he is stringing you along

YANBU to want your DP to be divorced but you need to tell him why it is important to you and what it means legally for you and your children should he die in his sleep tonight.

wonder if you would have made the same points face to face atswimtwolengths and worraliberty (in case you were concerned self respect is intact dispite your best attempts to insult me and my family, and family planning)

Yes of course absolutely! Why wouldn't I?

I did not attempt to insult you and your family. If you read back, I said I personally would feel I had little to no self respect to have 3 children with a man who refuses to divorce his wife And I stand by that.

If you don't feel the same that's fine. Though having read your DP has kept the fact he's still married from you...well that was a little nugget that should perhaps have been in your opening post

Here here worral

I also believe the religious reason for not wishing to divorce is nonsense (if there is a religious reason for it). If a person is a Catholic, and if they see divorce as a great sin, surely they do not go on to form a family unit with other people if still married but estranged from their spouse? It makes no sense. Aren't cohabitation and having children outside of wedlock sins, too? Would it not be a case of having to take on two 'extra' sins to escape the sin of divorce?
If not and I am wrong, it's no wonder I give religion a wide berth!

Actually, face to face I'd probably have been harsher. so here goes, assuming this isn't a wind up - legally you are nothing more than his mistress. That he's not divorced his wife even after being with you for 7 years and having 3 DC means either a) he's a pathetic excuse for a man who's putting you in an impossible situation because he's too lazy to fill out a few forms or b) he doesn't love you enough to treat you with basic respect. And possibly also still in love with his exW. (If she's not divorced either, she can't go off and marry someone else).

I'd not want to waste my life with either sort of man.

But then, if someone talked about their exW, i'd ask about the divorce - did it never come up in conversation? So are you spectaularly uninterested in something that's a major life event for your DP, or did he bare face lie?

how didnt you know?did he purposefully lie and conceal
or did he allude to a divorce and allow you to assume he actually divorced?what role did his family play in all of this - did they collude too
did you never directly ask for details and corroboration- why not

kids unmarried,is no biggie.plenty couples are unmarried

a partner who conceals his true marital status that is a huge emotional and practical decit.and is a biggie - you need to get to heart of this

gosh its like oprah

The other thing you should consider is that if, God forbid, your DP is involved in an accident his wife is his next of kin and not you, and as such she would get to make any decisions on his behalf, life support, organ donation etc.

You might like to read Joanna Trollope's "The Other Family", although fiction it may prove to be salutary reading for you.

Although he may say, "But she would never do anything like that", you really do not know how people will react in these situations.

Not correct,nok can be any capable adult you nominate

in england nok, is not defined by law and can be any capeable adult. in scotland nok is also not defined there is no legal definition of Next of Kin in Scotland and it can be whoever a person appoints. Usual Practice was this would be deemed to be the closest relative (by blood or marriage) but it can in fact be anyone you choose. If there is any dubiety here it may be worth you nominating your next of kin in a written format if you wish. scotland did discuss whether cp would automatically be nok, but did not go down that route. in reality these days most trusts and gp acknowledged and aware nok not necessarily immediate family

common myth is that it is family only-this is not the case. you can nominate your next of kin, you must inform the NHS trust, GP etc.get it documented in notes this can be a cohabitee. all competent adult patients are asked to nominate their next of kin formally on admission to hospital. This is not simply a contact number but has potential significance, as the nominated person must be willing to best reflect what they believe would have been your wishes in the event of your incapacity or death. It is this person that staff would turn to for advice/guidance/help about your care if you were unable to respond yourself. For example, this might be because you are unconscious or unable to communicate due to illness or injury.
in the event of your death, it is your next of kin who would be consulted about bereavement issues such as making funeral arrangements, arranging a hospital post mortem or organ/tissue donation.

the role of next of kin is to express your likely wishes when you cannot.Your next of kin cannot consent or withhold consent for care on your behalf. But as your next of kin, their views on what you would have decided will be sought. These views will contribute to the decision that the clinicians caring for you (and who have a duty to act in your best interest) will make regarding your treatment and care. Thus, if you cannot make that decision for yourself, the final decision of care rests with the clinician in charge of your care.

If, in the case of an emergency, were nok not nominated nhs would seek advice from whoever we believe to be 'closest' to you and best able to reflect your wishes; for example, your current partner or closest relative.

Historically, the next of kin was the spouse or nearest relative of the patient, but Your next of kin does not need to be a blood relative or spouse; they can be your long-term partner, cohabitee or even a close friend.

Whoever they are, you must ensure that the person you nominate is aware of the duty/responsibility that being next of kin may entail, e.g. they may have to make treatment decisions on your behalf Need ask them if they are willing to be nominated as your next of kin.

you can nominate your nok via gp and this will be recorded in notes