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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dsis and her baby plans

90 replies

MissBubbles · 28/05/2011 22:14

not sure if im bu or not so i thought id ask you guys :)

dsis 22 - for many years has spoke about her desire to become a mum, she lives with her dp 21, she works 10 hours a week at min wage, he works anywhere from 25 onwards hours a weeks at just above min age, they struggle with money due to not earning alot and him having a couple of debts, yet they still decided last year to try for a baby

she is now pg, about 14 weeks, and has already spoke about their plans for when babys born

her plan is (which he has willingly agreed to) that she will work for as long as her job will allow her to, even she says if it means right up till the moment she pops (her words), ok fair enough she loves her job, but the thing i dont get is the next part of her plan

once the baby is 3 or 4 weeks old, she will go back to work and her dp will give up his job to become a sahd, dont get me wrong i have nothing againest sahd's but surely finacially wise it would be best if she stayed at home? i know that in their financial posistion it may not have been best to try for a baby, but thats done now and they need to think of whats best for the baby and their new little family, i understand she loves her job and will miss it hugely, i pointed out that she will miss her baby lots at that stage but she says she cant miss work as it would upset her too much

oh god im prob being such a littlemissjudgypants, and if iam fair enough, but aibu to think that her plans are a bit back to front ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 00:17

yep definetly wasnt trying to be sexist, fabby young in mind :( type of thing she says to me is that i shouldnt make my 11 yr old ds do his homework as he is only at "little school" (he will be going to secondary this september) but i say he will be facing alot of tougher homework in september nad needs to gradually prepare himself

OP posts:
PenguinArmy · 29/05/2011 00:17

I'm worried that she will want to change her mind but her other half will pressure her not to. I mean where has this decision come from, it's one thing to decide to go back to work early (to be fair I was working 1 day from a month) but for the other person to give up their job for the sake of 10 hours when free babysitting has been offered.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 00:21

oh blimey penguinarmy that never occured to me, he is rather posessive and i guess it could be that its really his idea after all and that the way he sees it, that if only she works then as it only 2 hours then they will be together more, before pregnancy if we had a girls night out or in he would Constantly text/call and ask when she was going to be finsihed or what she was up to

OP posts:
melpomene · 29/05/2011 00:22

She may not qualify for SMP if she's only been working 10 hours per week on min wage, however if she doesn't qualify for SMP she is likely to qualify for maternity allowance instead. Maternity Allowance would be 90 per cent of her average gross weekly earnings (before tax), for up to 39 weeks.

They also need to consider that he could get some paternity leave and pay under the new rules.

Valpollicella · 29/05/2011 00:22

"Sorry but I went back to work after five weeks full time in a very busy office environment, I never went for any six week check up."

"She clearly uses her work as a crutch to get through life, she won't be in any fit state to return to work, tell her her employers cannot take her back unless she is fit to work as to do so will be illegal.

Fabby, you yourself said you went back to work without your 6 wk check up?

Did your employers know they were breaking the law?

Valpollicella · 29/05/2011 00:23

^both posts above are by FabbyChic btw

ChippingIn · 29/05/2011 00:28

Valp - when Fabby's children were babies it wasn't against the law :) Things have changed.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 00:28

she does my head in with some of the things she says and does, but at end of the day i just want to be there for her and help, yet shes refusing peoples offer of help so far and i guess i find it more frustrating than i should

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 29/05/2011 00:30

I did, but I was referring to the work as a crutch as she would go back if she had a c section! Thats extreme 3/4 weeks after a c section.

I had a normal birth not even one stitch, I didnt work on my feet all day either. This young lady wants to go back even after a c section and stand working on her feet for two hours.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 00:34

exactly fabby i really thought she would listen to me, not meaning that in an arrogant way, its just that i had a c-section with my first birth so i have been there, ive told her what it is like but she insists it wont be a probelm for her even if she has a c-section, oohh its so frustrating, im trying to help but its like she wont let me :(

OP posts:
Valpollicella · 29/05/2011 00:40

Oh, I see, re Fabby,, thanks :)

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 00:52

im seeing her tomorow so hopefully will be able to have a subtlechat with her then :)

OP posts:
Teenytiny · 29/05/2011 00:58

I think its upto your sister what she does with her life and her baby and tbh you should mind your own.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 01:05

ahh yes but if i minded my own then i wouldnt be offering to help her when it goes tits up, im just expressing concern for her

OP posts:
Teenytiny · 29/05/2011 01:06

well if it does go "tits up" then she can deal with it like everyone else has to with their probs! i just seemed like the first post was more you expressing how you didnt approve.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 01:14

well i guess i dont approve really but thats not how i meant it to come across iam geuinely worried about her and the baby, because i know they will struggle as it is and the way she wants to do things means she will struggle more than she needs to as she wont accept help or advice (and yes she has asked for the advice, its not been foisted upon her)

shes helped me out in the past and i just want to be able to return the favour

OP posts:
Teenytiny · 29/05/2011 01:18

well at end of the day its your sisters choice weather you approve or not, shes an adult...... all you can really do is let her know your there if she needs help/support/advice and if she needs it she can choose to take it.

Original poster
MissBubbles · 29/05/2011 01:27

thats what im going to try to do, every so often i will make sure she knows she can ask for my help if she needs it, i dont mean constantly going on about it in a nagging way, but if i dont remind her she will end up thinking the offer isnt available anymore then start to worry and thinks she has no help if things go wrong

OP posts:
SockShitter · 29/05/2011 02:30

I can only imagine your sis and her DP think this will put them in a situation where they will be more entiltled to benefits/ council house. She really should find out if that is actually the case before her DP drops his job! Otherwise why would they possibly think they need to arrange care this way around a 10 hour a week job?

I also think if she is desperate to go back to work 2 hours a day ain't gonna kill her!

SockShitter · 29/05/2011 02:32

BTW she sounds about 14 years old. I worry about them when she realizes how difficult a newborn is if she can only just handle ten hours a week work!

Fernie3 · 29/05/2011 06:11

You might find that the baby will actually force them to sort their lives out.
Dh and I had our first baby at 20 I was a student (a bad one!) and dh worked in a crappy call centre job very low pay and really not thinking about the future and we had no family around to tell us what a baby would be like, ignored it until we had to bring our tiny baby home to our crappy little student flat and the realisation just hit both of us that we had to make things better for her. 7 years and 4 children later things couldn't be more different.
I would leave her alone, she will likely sort herself out, she isn't that young let her carry on.

iscream · 29/05/2011 07:59

She is young, she will learn. They are in a magical world of baby bonding ideas most likely.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 09:02

This " 21 year old "man", who is happy to give up working and stay at home with a baby is not the best bet for a happy future. "

Switch the word man for woman and see if it sounds sexist in any way.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 09:04

Also, the assertion that a woman who wants to go back to work that early is using it as a crutch is sexist. That wouldn't be said about a man would it?

Unless I'm reading out if context.

hairylights · 29/05/2011 09:08

" its the fact that that he is giving up work and she is going to continue that i cant get my head around, sorry fabby if you thought i was having a dig"

What exactly IS wrong with that? It's sheir choice. It's what we will do (but were older and wiser and middle class. What is wrong with a working mum and a sahd?