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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at mil regarding 'thank you' cards

80 replies

Amber76 · 28/05/2011 10:05

I had a baby 7 weeks ago; we've received lots of gifts which are appreciated. When someone gives me a present I like to thank them in person. I don't like thank you cards - I think they are pointless if you've already thanked the person.

Over the years I've given loads of baby presents to family, friends, etc. and I have never received a thank you card - this is absolutely fine with me.

My mil 'to be' to be has given us a number of bags of clothes from a charity shop - I accept these and always thank her. I have said thank you to her extended family who have passes on presents. In the most recent bag of jumble she included a packet of thank you cards, stamps and a list of people she wants us to send cards to - she told my partner that I am to send these out asap.

I'll send them because I want an easy life but is this not a bit rude of her? AIBU??

OP posts:
frakyouveryverymuch · 28/05/2011 14:44

Oh and she had a subtle dig to say that if we'd organised the birth announcement cards we could have had thank yous printed at the same time supported by a lovely anecdote about how she received a beautiful birth announcemet less than a week after the birth of a friend's grandchild...

Translation: why haven't you done the birth announcements yet because you're showing me up.

Bit difficult if you live in the middle of sodding nowhere and you don't know whether you're having a boy or a girl or when baby will deign to make an appearance. So much easier if you've got an ELCS booked and you know the sex Hmm

Playdohinthewashingmachine · 28/05/2011 15:01

Give her the cards, list and stamps back yourself, face to face. Tell her that you don't criticise her manners, which occasionally leave something to be desired, and you expect her not to criticise yours. Tell her you have thanked everybody to your own satisfaction, and even if you hadn't, it is none of her business. Then hand her the baby and say "ooh, I think he smiled at you!".

Animation · 28/05/2011 15:05

Playdoh Grin

frikonastick · 28/05/2011 15:10

i have actually done pretty much what playdoh suggests.

MIL thought it was totally ok to send presents and xmas cards on mine and DHs behalf without telling us. some to close family who were perplexed to say the least. she is a loon though.

i have found it best to always be calm, straightforward and face her lunacy head on. that way it doesnt escalate.

skybluepearl · 28/05/2011 15:21

I used to send them but rarely recieved thankyous. I've had a baby too recently and have abandoned hand written thankyous totally. But like you do thank in other ways.

Don't send the cards. Just ring round the family/send emails/texts/FB instead ..... deepest thanks for gifts. They are much appreciated. I would love to write individual cards but I am totally exhausted but thoroughly enjoying new arrival. He is such a joy and i can't wait to introduce you.

gillybean2 · 28/05/2011 15:40

I'd save the cards and send her one every time you need to thank her. Keep the stamps though as you can hand deliver hers...
How many cards are there? Enough for xmas and birthdays till your dc is eighteen I hope! Grin

But seriously... What does your DP say about it? Have you told him you think it's out of order and to return them to MIL? If he thinks it's ok (presumably he did as he took the cards and passed her message on Hmm) then tell him he need sto write the cards and will be responsible for writing all and every card to his side of the family as dictated by his mother from now onwards because you are NOT his/her skivy/PA/secretary.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 28/05/2011 16:16

Another way would be to send her one of her Thankyou cards to thank her for the cards. Put a note inside saying that you tend to find Thankyou cards quite impersonal and prefer to thank people face to face but you will keep them to send to her as she obviously likes them Grin

notmyproblem · 28/05/2011 19:27

Well, if you insist on agreeing with her that sending out thank-you cards to your DP's family and friends is "women's work" then YABU. And making a rod for your own back. I foresee you back in a few years back on Mumsnet complaining because your MIL won't let you return to work after taking time off to have kids, complains about the state of the house and that you don't clean up after your DP, your DP isn't fed well enough, or isn't allowed weeks away with his mates, or is being asked to babysit too much or any number of sexist things.

YANBU to not send the cards. You've said thank-you in your own way. If she's got a problem with that, either tell your DP he's writing the cards, or give the cards back to your MIL and tell her no way. Or ignore the whole thing.

Please please don't just send them to make life easy or be a good little wifey or whatever.

elphabadefiesgravity · 28/05/2011 19:32

YANBU with a 7 week old baby you are lucky if you manage to dress every day never mind sit writing out cards.

bubblecoral · 28/05/2011 19:35

The woman is rude.

Who cares if she thinks it's a womans job to write thank you cards? You don't, and you are the woman in your new family. If she wants them to be sent she can get her son to do it.

ScarletOHaHa · 28/05/2011 20:55

Playdoh that is brill. Ditto jllly and NMP. Agree with elpha too: when my DC was newborn, I wore things for bed that won't seem too mad still to be in at lunch time

CrystalTits · 28/05/2011 21:13

I'm with playdoh and wowwow. Give the cards back and politely explain that as an adult, you have the method of thank yous all taken care of. Or keep them to send to MIL.

This is precisely the kind of irritating assumption that my MIL also makes, even thanking people 'on our behalf' when I've already sorted it. Anyone would think I was 12, not a mum of 3 in my late 30s. Infuriating. Don't let it take hold!

fearnelinen · 28/05/2011 22:33

My MIL did something similar when she gave me the addresses of her family we weren't inviting to our wedding. When I asked why, she replied "so you can write and apologize" Shock!
I simply said "I'm not apologising to virtual strangers for having my own wedding the way I want it. Now, do you want a refill?"

She hasn't 'suggested' anything since!
(I'm in charge now back off redundant alpha female!!!!)
Stand your ground YANBU

fearnelinen · 28/05/2011 22:35

Oh and PS - there is nothing worse than receiving a thank you card from a child that cannot even write yet!
My rule is, once they can write, they write them (good practise), but until then, they learn to say thank you nicely (lots of cuddles and Oh WOW, thank you sooooo much Grin ). Much nicer than a production line card...

ChippingIn · 28/05/2011 22:51

It is far ruder to give someone else thank you cards and tell them to write them than it is not to send thank you cards. Just tell her that if she wants thank you cards sent - she can write them herself. Honestly, do not do it, you have to put your foot down now about you being an adult and DD's Mum - YOU decide these things not her or your life will be HELL.

ChippingIn · 28/05/2011 22:52

When she comes I would just pass the cards to her and say 'Sorry, you seem to have left these in the bag with the other things, I'm sure you didn't mean to Hmm' (completely ignore the list of people etc). If she says 'Yes I did .... (blah blah blah)' simply tell her that you are an adult and YOU will choose whether to send Thank You cards or not and that if you do, YOU will buy ones YOU feel are nice appropriate.

MollyMurphy · 28/05/2011 22:54

I think if you've said thank you in person/over the phone - however...then you've said it already and a card is not necessary. I wouldn't do it personally. Its rude and bossy of her to demand (via your partner - who I guess she feels is broken somehow) that you do. Why men can just think to say no thank you for themselves and mitigate any drama is beyond me.

troisgarcons · 28/05/2011 22:55

Cards are for people who
(a) are incapable of writing letters and therefore choose a preprinted form of words

(b) those who chose to write rather than speak.

I would agree with the poster who pointed out the more mature members of your extended family may prefer to also receive a written communicaton as well as phone call.

gomummygo · 28/05/2011 23:11

I always send thank you cards, but would actually make an exception in this case as your MIL was so rude about it. Would probably tell your DH/DP that he was welcome to write them if he wished to appease his mum, but that I'd have more respect for him if he told her how ill mannered she was for sending the packet of cards/stamps to you like that!

I hope you put your foot down here, it is a slippery slope!

WillowFae · 29/05/2011 00:56

DH's grandad gave our son (aged 4) a Christmas present one year when we were with them on Christmas day. Naturally we thanked him in person, as did DS. However when DS's 5th birthday came round that February there was no present from his great-grandad. Apparently he decided not to send one as we hadn't written him a thank you letter for the Christmas present. The one we thanked him for in person!

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 01:13

Mature members of the family might like to receive a card if they've not been thanked via some other means. This is all about the MILs anxiety. Rude/thoughtless behaviour on her part. Don't do it. This is a MIL situation that's a slippery slope, IMO. I also agree with Molly. I shall be teaching my sons to stand up to me Wink

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 01:14

X post Willow - Seems I was wrong!

MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2011 02:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cazzzz · 29/05/2011 05:58

My experience may help...
In the past couple of years I have decided to act more like a MAN in these scenarios - I often ask myself ... Would my DH spend his time buying/ sending/ writing cards and gifts to my near and distant relatives? The answer is invariably NO. So I have gritted my teeth and given these things up in connection with his relatives.
Secondly , I read the Manic Mum book by Allison Mitchell. One of her themes is to make you look at what you want to achieve .. And then spend your time doing that, NOT what other people want you to achieve. This has really helped with my resolve and not to give in to social pressure or contrived rituals.
If you like to say Thankyou in person ... That is fine .... Trust your own judgement and do things YOUR way.

JamieAgain · 29/05/2011 11:25

cazz - that's interesting. My own mum has told me she perhaps brought me up to please other people too much. I feel a lot of pressure to not offend other people, at the expense of asserting myself. I think it's common for women of my generation and older to be that way. Will have a look at that book