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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at mil regarding 'thank you' cards

80 replies

Amber76 · 28/05/2011 10:05

I had a baby 7 weeks ago; we've received lots of gifts which are appreciated. When someone gives me a present I like to thank them in person. I don't like thank you cards - I think they are pointless if you've already thanked the person.

Over the years I've given loads of baby presents to family, friends, etc. and I have never received a thank you card - this is absolutely fine with me.

My mil 'to be' to be has given us a number of bags of clothes from a charity shop - I accept these and always thank her. I have said thank you to her extended family who have passes on presents. In the most recent bag of jumble she included a packet of thank you cards, stamps and a list of people she wants us to send cards to - she told my partner that I am to send these out asap.

I'll send them because I want an easy life but is this not a bit rude of her? AIBU??

OP posts:
amistillsexy · 28/05/2011 10:08

She has asked her son to ask you to write the cards?

Did she not ensure that her son was taught to write as a child?

Confused
emsyj · 28/05/2011 10:10

YANBU. That is rude. I do think generally that thank you cards are viewed as the norm for my mother's generation though, so for her sake I send them to her friends when they send wedding/baby/other gifts to me. But she would not do what your MIL has done!

cheekeymonkey · 28/05/2011 10:10

Its old fashioned curtesy which sadly is dying out. I was bought up to always send Thank you cards. At least she bought them for you, you should send her a thank you card for doing that! Grin

horriblemotheragain · 28/05/2011 10:10

hmmm... difficult one. I do write thank-yous, but for close family i usually just say thank you in person. Might be easier to send out the cards as she's requested (perhaps they are giving her a hard time?). But i'd probably say next time I saw her "oh, I only really send a card if I haven't seen the person to say thanks in person". And hope that she's not that bossy ALL the time!

also i am happy not to get a card if i've seen the person and handed over the present, but if i've sent it through the post I like a brief note to say thanks. For one thing it means they've definitely received it!

clam · 28/05/2011 10:11

Well, I disagree about the importance of written thank yous - for people I haven't thanked in person I would always send one - but I would be annoyed too about the pack of cards and stamps being given!

So, she spoke to your DP? So, as the baby's presumably his too, and the people she wants you to thank are "his side," then how about him writing the cards? And posting them?

PercyPigPie · 28/05/2011 10:12

Blimey. Can I ask, does her son have anything to do with the 7 week old baby you mention? I mean, are they biologically related in some way? If so, I suggest that you hand him the thank you cards and hand your rude mother-to-be-(God-help-you)-in-law a book on etiquette.

diddl · 28/05/2011 10:21

I would send a card if the gift hadn´t be handed to me in person by the giver iyswim.

But in this case, I would be annoyed at the assumption that because the stuff is for the baby, the "thank you" needs to come from the mum.

OP-hand it over to your partner!

ToffeePenny · 28/05/2011 10:23

Perhaps in his family they usually thank via cards.
However, you have your own way of thanking people and you have a newborn and recovering from childbirth to do.

She is BU to tell him to tell you. She is not your mother and you are not a child so she has no remit to tell you what to do. Her picking this time when you are recovering and dealing with a newborn is either unthinking or she is using the fact that you'll probably do it for an easy life as a way of setting a precedent that she can tell you what to do via your chap in future.

Easy way to nip this in the bud. His mother, his family's gifts to his (and of course, your) baby. He can send the cards or tell his mother if he doesn't want to.

YANBU (and congratulations!)

shortarsefuck · 28/05/2011 10:24

Can her son not write?

I'd make your DP do it.

Sylvaniasandwich · 28/05/2011 10:24

You should send a thank you to relatives if you don't see them. Older people in particular will find it rude if you don't. I would email with a pic of the baby or send a note. I sent gift to my cousin and his gf and have heard nothing back. I never see them so won't get thanked in person. I didn't really expect them to but would have appreciated some thanks.

Your mil just can't bear the embarrassment. She should be hassling your dh but she obviously sees the baby as your domain. I wouldn't use the cards out of pride but I would make sure I had thanked everyone on the list. They've probably asked her whether you received the gifts and liked them.

DuelingFanjo · 28/05/2011 10:26

"she told my partner that I am to send these out asap."

give them back to your partner. If she asks where they are say 'oh, I gave them back to mrAmber76 so he could do them'.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 28/05/2011 10:39

DON'T SEND THEM. You have thanked people for your gifts which is perfectly polite and YOUR way of doing things. If you send these cards MIL will think she can impose her will on you in other ways. I would just politely but firmly say that you have thanked people in person and you find it a bit rude that you have been ordered to send cards as well - and return the cards. If your partner wants to 'do as he's told' by his mum then that's his business.
I, personally, wouldn't want a card if I'd been thanked already as it's just a waste of paper.

Animation · 28/05/2011 10:41

Wow, that's a bit of a loaded gesture! I would take it as a put down - that I didn't know how to do gratitude all by myself and that I need prompting.

I also suspect that she's also bothered about image - that HER daughter-in-law is seen to be sending lovely thank you cards - looks good on her.

If you prefer to say your thank-yous face to face that should be enough.

Animation · 28/05/2011 10:45

"If your partner wants to 'do as he's told' by his mum then that's his business."

Yes, can he deal with his mother and talk straight?

Checkmate · 28/05/2011 10:51

I do think thank you cards should be sent for gifts. I think its a bit rude not to, to be honest.

However, your mil is being equally (if not more) rude by buying those cards and sending that message through your partner. She could have told him that she thinks its polite to send thank you cards, since he's her child, but instead she's been rude herself.

saffy85 · 28/05/2011 10:55

Incredibly rude. Of her. Are you sure she didn't mean either of you write the cards? I presume your DP is capable of such a boring task?

FWIW I only sent thank you cards to those who sent things who I wouldn't get to thank in person within a fortnight or so after receiving the gift they sent.

MumblingRagDoll · 28/05/2011 10:56

"She wants" you to send cards out.....WTf???? I am a fan of thaank-you letter ut your letters and who you send them to has sweet FA to do with her!

Send one back to HER and put "Thank you for the cards. I will save them for the baby to use on future birthdays"

Cheeky cow!

blackeyedsusan · 28/05/2011 11:00

her son should be writing them, i assume he is the baby's father, and that he can write... she was rude.. there are better ways of approaching it if she would like you to write cards... buying them and suggestin g to her son that he writes them because aunty mabel expects it... and yes she knows it is a pain but please..

RubyGrace17 · 28/05/2011 11:02

I always send thank you cards and encourage/help my daughters to write them too. It's how I was brought up and my older relatives especially enjoy receiving them, particularly from the girls.

However, the way in which MIL has gone about it is incredibly rude and I'd be annoyed if I were you too. Why can't DH write some of them too, I don't understand why she's told him to get you to write them!

Ruby

TheSecondComing · 28/05/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 28/05/2011 11:05

Congratulations!

Misread OP-thought that you were due in 7wksBlush

Even more reason to ask babies father-you must be far too busy/tired.

Isthreetoomany · 28/05/2011 11:06

I think the way that she has 'asked' you to send the thank yous out is a bit rude.
But I do think it is nice to send thank yous, and she may be getting a hard time if she has family friends who sent you cards/presents but received no thank you card. I know 2 people of my parents' generation who collect and proudly display their baby thank you cards, most with cute little pics of the newborn grandchildren of their friends.

yukoncher · 28/05/2011 11:07

What a controlling *** I would agree to tell her asap it's not her place to do that at all.

They only get worse. My MIL is a bloody nightmare. Comes knocking on the door not telling me to write certain things on facebook (that have nothing to do with her) I had to block her from seeing my page.
He son rang, my brother in law, and I told him MIL had gone to skegness, she comes round saying 'that got me into trouble you shouldnt have said anything'.
Ugh piss off.

DH doesn't help though, always asking her for things, when it';s not even needed. It keeps her having the upper hand.

NIP IN BUD

AurraSing · 28/05/2011 11:13

My MIL did the same to me. When dd was about 6 mths old she gave me a whole load of stamped addressed envelopes for her family, saying that I can't use the excuse of having a new born anymore. It's taken her years to get use to the idea that I'm not DH admin assistant.

nickelbabe · 28/05/2011 11:13

I agree that if it's DP's mother, and they're people that DP knows, then DP should write the cards.

You're not the secretary - it's his child too, so he's perfectly capable of writing the cards.
Especially as everyone you know knows that you thank in person, and obviously don't have a problem with it!