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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at mil regarding 'thank you' cards

80 replies

Amber76 · 28/05/2011 10:05

I had a baby 7 weeks ago; we've received lots of gifts which are appreciated. When someone gives me a present I like to thank them in person. I don't like thank you cards - I think they are pointless if you've already thanked the person.

Over the years I've given loads of baby presents to family, friends, etc. and I have never received a thank you card - this is absolutely fine with me.

My mil 'to be' to be has given us a number of bags of clothes from a charity shop - I accept these and always thank her. I have said thank you to her extended family who have passes on presents. In the most recent bag of jumble she included a packet of thank you cards, stamps and a list of people she wants us to send cards to - she told my partner that I am to send these out asap.

I'll send them because I want an easy life but is this not a bit rude of her? AIBU??

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 28/05/2011 11:13

I would strongly advise you NOT to write those cards. Regardless of the etiquette, responding to this very very rude behaviour will send her the message that the best way to control you is to give you orders through your DP. The next thing you know your DP will be coming along saying "Mum thinks you should...start weaning at such and such a time/use controlled crying/not send him to that nursery/etc etc etc. It'll be indirect pressure and criticism all the way and it'll do your head in. My MIL tried something a bit similar before my DS was born (I'd said no to a visit and she tried to go through DH) and I got DH to tell her to pull her head in sharpish. She got the message loud and clear and it's made the world of difference actually. Our relationship has improved no end as she knows where she stands now.

TBH I'm really surprised your DP even said anything to you - how did he put it? And what was your response? Did your DP agree with your MIL? Cos if he did then that could signal a big problem in the future with regards to other "orders" issued from MIL central control.

Pussinflatboots · 28/05/2011 11:14

My DH got me to write all the thankyou cards - even to his colleagues who we had seen!! At the time, I was in post-birth blur, so just did it. Now I am thinking WTF and it won't happen again!! Tbh, he was prob changing nappies, making dinner, clearing up, etc as he's generally v excellent and a hands-on daddy-o.
MIL gave him a thankyou card to write along with a gift from her friend. Post-birth blur had worn off by this stage, so he did this one . Although I did write one to SIL's best mate who I've never met (DH has) as she sent a pressie [never again emoticon].

meditrina · 28/05/2011 11:14

I send thank you letters, it takes only a minute or two and means a great deal to the recipient.

But what your MIL did was wrong. You can have your children conform to your norms when they are still under your roof, but once out independently, it's up to them - and you aren't even her child! I agree with the other posters who say the pragmatic answer to this one is have DH deal with this.

emmanumber3 · 28/05/2011 11:15

I would send thank you cards to people I hadn't been able to thank in person - gifts passed on through others, sent in post etc. BUT they would be my thank you cards, sent on my initiative when I was bloody well ready to send them!

Had my MIL done this to me I would have considered it a put down TBH. However, she may have thought she was "helping" & not everyone considers quite how her "gesture" might have made you feel. I do hope this is not a sign on things to come .

Congratulations on your LO by the way .

nickelbabe · 28/05/2011 11:16

oh, aslo, I would tell DP to tell her that you have a seven week old baby and that you have a lot more to worry abotu than thank you cards.
and if the people who have sent stuff don't agree, then they should come round and bloody look after the child for you while you and DP write the thank you cards!

Do they really really think you've got time to do all this?????

yukoncher · 28/05/2011 11:20

Yes it will absolutely show her she's in controla nd it will esculate, if you 'do it just as the easy option'.
DH can write them.
Sexist bloody MIL.

SmethwickBelle · 28/05/2011 11:20

Definitely nip in the bud any assumption that you are your partners PA and I think it is cheeky and patronising to send you cards and stamps at all, you're not 8 years old.

Having said that I always send thank you cards after every birth, christmas, birthday, kids stick a scrawl or handprint in too. It seems better to over egg these things than leave some old dear moping.

Eglu · 28/05/2011 11:25

There is not a chance in hell I would send those cards. Please don't go down the anything for a quiet life route. She is being incredibly rude. If your DP wants to write them then he can. But son't you do it.

CoffeeDodger · 28/05/2011 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Amber76 · 28/05/2011 11:27

Thanks for all the responses so far.

My fiancee and I get on great in every way except when it comes to his mother. He has a great sense of humour and whenever she makes a daft comment he'll make a joke of it whereas I get annoyed about it.
I think his mother thinks its a womans job to write cards - I don't really mind that aspect of it. It's the implication that we haven't shown our appreciation and that she has to guide us towards doing it that bothers me. And the thank you cards are cheap, tasteless ones that I would never use. I like the suggestion to send her a thank you card for the thank you cards!!

OP posts:

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 28/05/2011 12:03

Thinking about it I would actually give them back via your dp as she has had no direct communication with you. It doesn't matter if it's her way to thank people with a card - it's YOUR way to do it in person. How would she like it if you told her that she needs to pop round to thank people in person rather than sending a card (via your dp of course)? I always phone relatives after birthdays etc to thank them personally. Cards are impersonal. Maybe practical if you have hundreds of people to thank after a wedding or something but for baby clothes a verbal thankyou is much nicer imo and to thank everyone twice is just silly.
It is rude not to say thankyou at all. It is rude to buy thankyou cards and stamps for your DIL. It ISN'T rude to thank someone personally. And I second everyone who said that if you don't show MIL now that you won't be pushed around it will get a lot worse.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 28/05/2011 12:05

I'm sorry, I'm finding this thread really bizarre. What's with the 'DH should do it' thing and the many responses debating the etiquette of whether or not to send cards? It's up to your MIL what she does where thank-you cards are concerned, but why on earth is it anything to do with her whether or not you send them anyway?

annapolly · 28/05/2011 12:20

My MIL did this to me when I was first married 27 years ago.

She also sent Christmas cards to all of her relatives and signed them from us.

We sent out own Christmas cards, people must have thought we were crazy.

I would tell your MIL to mind her own business, I know mine just got worse as the years went by.

hairylights · 28/05/2011 12:30

She's being bossy and patronising. Ignore her.

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2011 12:51

Your MIL is nuts, but would it really hurt to send a few Thank-yous? They are usually really appreciated, and they don't take long to write.
And 7-week old babies do have to sleep sometimes...

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 28/05/2011 12:53

I have no objection to the OP sending thank-you cards per se ...
But IF she wants to, and of her own volition, not cards that her lunatic MIL has got for her and ordered her to send. I mean ... what .. I just can't imagine anyone in my life doing something like that to me. I can imagine what I'd say to them if they did though.

Piggyleroux · 28/05/2011 12:57

When my ds was born, mil made me send out birth announcement cards and thank you cards

I was recovering from major surgery at the time but did it for a quiet life.

Yanbu.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 28/05/2011 12:57

Would anyone on here actually want a thankyou card that the sender had been arm-twisted into sending and hadn't chosen or bought the stamps for in preference to an actual genuine thankyou from said person?

MissMarjoribanks · 28/05/2011 13:03

My DH wrote all the thankyou cards after the birth of DS. Made no difference who they were to. MIL wouldn't have dreamed of telling us to send them, although I know full well she would have thought it improper if we hadn't.

I have little in common with my MIL and she is very annoying. However, I have the greatest of respect for her as she does not interfere. And if she does have something to say she says it directly to me. Your DH needs to tell your MIL that she was rude.

Sylvaniasandwich · 28/05/2011 14:05

OP have you actually thanked the people on the list though?

No adult should tell another adult what to do in this way - but I can see why your MIL is embarrassed if you and your DP have just ignored gifts altogether.

suburbophobe · 28/05/2011 14:09

I agree, don't send them, otherwise you are playing into her control freakery! (which will get worse with time).

safran · 28/05/2011 14:18

Sylvaniasandwich has a point have you or DH thanked the people on the list?
Everyone is different - for me I hate text thank yous - texting is for short impersonal messages and nothing else. So face to face, telephone call or email/post (usually depending on age or generation)
She is being rude and it's absolutely your DHs job but make double sure you have thanked everyone or you will lose the moral high ground!

frakyouveryverymuch · 28/05/2011 14:33

YABU and YANBU. My MIL was here visiting for a week, arrived when DS was 3 weeks old, and nagged eery day until I wrote the cards, which I would have done in any case then had the nerve to criticise me for using our monogrammed correspondence cards because 'a pretty card would have been nicer' and that the envelopes didn't match on all of them. Given how expensive the damn envelopes are I'm not going to waste them on people I've never met and DH has only met a handful of times.

Don't be bullied by her - do it your way. If that's thanking them in person, assuming you'll see them soon, then do that. I wouldn't send a card to someone I'd already thanked face to face either (the exception being our wedding gifts where we saw everyone but I didn't exactly have a list to hand to thank people and I wasn't memorising 100 odd gifts.

Oh and while I handwrite the cards (partly because DH's writing can nicely be described as a scrawl) it's his job to draft them.

nickelbabe · 28/05/2011 14:35

yes, but Sylvania - the baby was born 7 weeks ago - the OP should be allowed 3-4 months to thank people for gifts!
anyone would think that looking after a newborn is a doddle!

ScarletOHaHa · 28/05/2011 14:35

I like thank you cards and think the rule of thumb is you shouldn't use/eat/wear gift until one has been sent. I really don't mind if I get them from other people or not and this is especially true for baby gifts. Texting /fb is fine by me.
This is a matter between your OH and his mum. Very odd and rude of her. Ignore and enjoy your new baby x

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