Your best insult

[MrsGaGaGo]

Someone messaged me on here to tell me they knew a good vet :) :) :)
What's the best you've heard?
Remember it's all tongue in cheek :)

I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

So now we know why some mammals eat their children...

Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception

You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity

Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

I quite like "of all the hundreds of millions of sperm in that ejaculation, its hard to belive you were the fastest"

I also saw somewhere recently "you cannot even begin to grasp the enormity of the fuck I do not give" - which is a rather flowery way of saying "I dont give a fuck" I suppose.

My (male) friend did a good self-depreciating one on himself - he was involved in a reasonably minor acccident on a roundabout with a lorry. The lorry driver (who's fault it was) got out and said "I'm so sorry mate, I could barely even feel you" and my mate said "that's what the missus says too!"

Tatty-enormity of the fuck I do not give :o

"They've got a face like they've been set on fire and put out with a shovel"

I overheard an argument outside a club. This rather large girl started ranting at a man and once she'd finished he gave her a blank look and said, 'I'm sorry I thought you were a phone box.'

A lady got dead pissy at me when my DS1, 9 months at the time, was very whingy in a coffee shop. She complained and said 'this is why I dont' have kids'.

I snapped back 'you'd need to find soemone who'd want to have sex with you first'

I've also called rather stupid year 8/9s 'giant mammary glands' in class. That's a fairly safe insult.

"It has taken years of inbreeding to produce that face."

"She'd be out of her depth in a puddle"

ooh look, it's like a penis, only smaller

you really couldn't set jelly could you?

you're about as useful as a chocolate teapot

as welcome as a hedgehog in a condom factory

a personal favourite:
no darling don't leave, I can make you far more miserable if you stay

have you been doing this long? really? it doesn't show

Face like a jar of angry worms.

She has hair like a spaniel that's drowned in a chip pan.

My colleague had a bollocking from our boss, she couldn't have cared less and this was her parting shot...

Colleague "Shall I get you the number"
Bemused Boss "For what?"
Colleague "For someone who gives a shit"

Oh I was so proud of her!

fell into a fire, put out with a shovel!

overheard this girl in a pub a few years ago arguing with some guy who I gathered was her ex, from what I could gather (they were yelling at the top of their voices) he was trying to assure her that the girl he cheated with wasnt a patch on her to which she replied - listen mate you dont have to tell me Ive seen her - and all I have to say to you is Amber Valetta and Little Britain now Fuck off you peter pan bastard!

honestly laughed so hard I choked -she was only about 18 from the of her too, fair play - she was certainly not taking any shit! lol

You've got a face like a welder's bench

Face like a clumsy bee keeper

Face like a blind cobbler

ooops...that should be "Face like a blind cobblers thumb"

My mum used to say to my sister

I should have held in my pee and drowned you!

I never knew what she meant until i was a lot older lol, my sis is a lot older than me btw so she wasnt saying it to a child before you all jump! :)

Was your cradle rocked too close to the wall?

Fuck off and die

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

when a man tries to pick you up and wont take no for an answer
"Ive already got a c**t in my knickers what makes you think I want another one "

when asked if the sex was good the retort was
"Frankly, it wasn't worth the bikini wax"

"I'm not deaf dear, I'm just ignoring you."

"I'd like to fuck you senseless, but it seems somebody has beaten me to it."

"Even Ghandi would have smacked you in the head."

conversation

her "This isn't working out - I just don't think I'm the kind of woman that you're used to dating."

him "Why not?"

her "Do I look like a hole in a fencepost to you?"