What to say when and 9 yr old starts asking about sex

[taylor74]

My sister called today fuming her DD had told her that some boy in the class asked her if she was still a virgin. Now she was shocked and didn't know what to say so she said when we go to see grandad we take the virgin train. Her DH said she should have told her the truth, me I think she did the right thing. AIBU to think we should keep children as children I think 9 is way too young to be discussing these matters.

My daughter is 9 and is fascinated by it all. As a single mum and children rarely allowing private time on the toilet, she's known about periods for a long time and therefore how babies are made. She asks lots of questions and I try and answer honestly in an age appropriate way. I was an early developer, breasts started to show at 9, periods at 11. My girl is looking like she will be just like me. I take her keen interest as a sign that she is preparing herself for puberty and the challenges that brings. I got into difficult situations as a young teen, so consent and confidence to say no are a part of that. I believe introducing these concepts early e.g. not being forced to hug or kiss people, are essential to prepare girls for the unwanted advances of males who may not have been taught better.
I also think that the term virginity, being more highly prized in the female than the male, is an outdated cultural concept that needs banishing.

@Saggyoldclothcatpuss

Knowledge is power. My DCs know about puberty, sex, reproduction and contraceptives. I started telling them younger than 9, and as we have had hens, dogs and ponies all reproducing, they have a good idea of the mechanics. I have also explained all of the swear words I could think of to them, with their meanings and context, and why they shouldn't use them. This came after DD who was 10, was picked on at school by an older girl for not knowing. Keeping a child in the dark is never helpful or healthy.

Quite right!

If you don’t teach your kids about sex, they ‘learn’ from their peers. Having age-appropriate discussions about sex with your children from a young age is the only way you can control what they learn and understand.

Also, unless your sister’s 9yo is developmentally delayed she will know that the virgin train is not what that boy was asking about, so all your sister has done is given her a confusing response which suggests there is something secretive and shameful that she’s not allowed to know about. That’s not a particularly healthy situation.

bomberboobs why the fuck would you bump a 10 year old thread?!

@Thingumy

nope,he is not asked,he's not interested and prefers to talk about Lego.

dh and I will broach the mechanics of sex when I feel my child is ready and at the moment,my child is not interested and has certainly not come home with questions about virginity.

But if your child did ask, would you tell them the facts? In the OP the child has asked questions which have arisen due to hearing something at school. I think at that point you have to tell them the truth.

Sex is a normal natural thing. The more we talk about it and normalise it the better.

We shouldn't "protect innocence" because it's not not innocent to understand a biological function. I genuinely believe we would have fewer problems with women being too embarrassed to go for smears and fewer teenagers sexually active if we normalised sex and penises and vaginas rather than them being things to giggle over.

I would much rather have open (in an age appropriate way) conversations with all children.

My thinking on this has always been, if they ask, tell them the truth. If they haven’t asked and you think they’re at an age where they’re likely to get information (and misinformation!) from their friends, tell them.

These days I would expect a nine year old to know the basic facts of life. It helps protect them from child abuse. We’ve been open and honest to my son (5) around body parts and where babies come from since he’s been old enough to ask

At 9 they should at least know the basics. I live by the rule that if they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough for an age appropriate answer. Plenty of info online and in books re how to talk to your kids. I just make sure that they don’t discuss with their friends cos I don’t know what their parent feelings are about it.

Zombie
The child is now an adult.

I explained words like that to my 11 yo when they started year 7. I did it because I remember not knowing what any of it meant and it led to bullying because I was so innocent.

For a 9 year old, I would don't say "A virgin is someone who hasn't tried to make a baby yet. Only grown ups are allowed to make babies" or, if they knew the mechanics of sex (like my kids did by early junior school age), my answer would be "it's someone who hasn't had sex yet. Sex should only be done by adults, so of course you are a virgin. The boy that asked you is being silly because he will also be a virgin".

I also go by the rule that if they're old enough to ask then they're old enough for an age appropriate answer.

Better to discuss these matters when they are young enough not to be embarrassed by it.

I needed to read this because I have been facing this dilemma. My son is nearly 10. He knows nothing about sex but he does know the word "sex", and "sexy", he hears it on the playground.
Not long before lockdown, the teachers called me in. There were 2 teachers. They told me my son, and 3 other boys had been overheard saying the word sex by some girls in the class who told the teacher. The teachers told me this was absolutely unacceptable, it was a safeguarding concern, he was to never say it again. The same was said to the other parents. I was absolutely embarrassed and shocked, they were extremely serious about it and made me feel awful.
The other parents were shocked how it had been handled as well.
I am now scared to tell him anything regarding sex education at all incase he mentions any of it in school. He will soon be in year 6!

My Mum was always refusing to answer my questions because she wanted to keep me innocent but then it caused me problems at school because all of the other kids knew.

I remember this in the playground, and everyone shrieking if you said no. Nothing changes!

There is definitely an age appropriate way to discuss this with a 9 year old. She should definitely discuss the basic mechanics of sex and puberty at this age.

Failing to teach your children about human biology is not protecting their innocence.

Why not start a new thread instead of bumping an decade old one? The 9yo girl is now 19 and I'd imagine she knows all about it