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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong to control portions/eating of a 3yo girl?

94 replies

petitfromage · 25/05/2011 20:40

A lovely friend of mine has a dd same age as my ds, they are great friends and have tea together every week. Her dd is ever so slightly chunky (not overweight IMHO but just a bit more 'solid' than others) and as a consequence her mother is consciously reducing the amount she eats. When they are having tea together (often with other friends there too) her mum is always reducing her portion size, asking for the ice cream to be taken off or slipping half her pasta off her bowl and onto others plates. I'm just starting to feel like she might be forcing her 3yo dd to start worrying about her weight/looks when it's the last thing she should be thinking about. She is a good eater - miles better than my ds but I think these things will even themselves out over time.
Should I bring it up with my friend or let it go? Personally I'd be more inclined to up her running around/swimming etc and try to avoid fatty snacks before I'd change her eating habits but with a fussy eater at home I've no idea how I'd really react if it was my son. One of my other friends did notice it though and brought up the issue hence my post here..... thoughts please???

OP posts:
textfan · 25/05/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onepieceofcremeegg · 25/05/2011 22:06

petitfromage you used the words "beg" and coercion wrt "encouraging" your child to eat. That worried me a little.

I can't advise you because I am not in your situation, but begging and coercing are very different to encouraging imo.

simpson · 25/05/2011 22:10

I have one of each...

DS (5) I have to beg to eat Sad

DD (3.4) is solid, like a little barrel but not over weight...yet.

DD would eat 3 dinners if I let her Shock and constantly asks for food saying she is hungry etc...

I do look at DD's portions and have reduced them as I believe I was giving her too much before Blush

Although she does get plenty of exercise walking & on trampoline etc...

Original poster
petitfromage · 25/05/2011 22:12

FYI ds fave foods are raw veg, fruit smoothies and (rather weirdly) sushi so no he doesn't eat junk. He just eats as and when he wants to. A bit like me he won't be told what to do so being told to sit and eat a bowl of pasta he doesn't particularly want is a bit of a struggle, even if I know he needs is (and likes it!)
Believe me if you have to remind a child they need to focus on eating their breakfast/lunch/tea every sodding meal time you'd resort to begging and coercion too. Oh and I'm LP so frequently knackered and feel like a broken record! Any tips as to how to get him to enjoy his food very welcome!!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 25/05/2011 22:13

It is never worth talking to a friend about any aspect of their parenting-they never take it well.

Whatevertheweather · 25/05/2011 22:14

That's just it petitfromage - you do what you do because you don't want your ds to suffer. Your friend does what she does because she doesn't want her dd to suffer.

Not saying either of you is 'right' or 'wrong' just don't want you to judge your friend for doing exactly what you are when it comes to food - what you think is best for your child

whomovedmychocolate · 25/05/2011 22:15

Mine hate to eat too petitfromage - you are not alone. But frankly I've given up trying. They aren't skinny. Something is going in, somewhere along the line. Chill a bit. Both you and your friend have a plan and just stick with it. It'll come right in the end :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/05/2011 22:16

petitfromage... You said further up the thread about your friend "telling her 3 year old DD", that's a different issue than your OP. Your friend isn't telling her DD, is she? She's just monitoring and controlling the portion size as she feels necessary. Your friend's child sounds like a very rapid eater and perhaps that's part of the problem, it takes 20 mins for the brain to send a message that the stomach is full.

I think you're struggling with it because your DS is fussy. I think that fussy children enjoy the attention that being coerced gives them. If that attention is taken away, the fussiness often stops. If it were one of my children, I'd be saying to him that children who like to play football/run about/go swimming, etc. need to eat their dinners. Does your DS have any friends who could be invited to tea to encourage him to eat before going out for a game in the garden?

MarianneM · 25/05/2011 22:16

I actually agree with you OP. I think it's really sad to suggest that a 3yo is overeating. I also doubt that 3yos can get overweight eating normal food. Snacks and sweets and a different story.

I think the surest way to give this girl issues with food (possibly resulting in her becoming over/underweight) is to make such a point about it.

Why can't a child enjoy their food? I never control how much normal food my 2.6yo DD eats. If she asks for me, she gets it. Sweets and snacks, no.

onepieceofcremeegg · 25/05/2011 22:16

His fave foods are all very low fat. Would he eat his favourites but with added bits. e.g. dip such as hummous with the veg, or little cubes of cheese? Yogurt or full fat milk blended with the smoothies. Baked potato wedges with the sushi?
He needs protein and some carbs (sure you know this but you did say tips welcome. :) )
Would he cook with you? This worked in the opposite way with my dds, helped them get more veg/healthy options as their favourites are the opposite of your ds's! Say if he made a cheese sauce to go with the pasta? Or a fruit crumble? Even home made muffins/rock cakes to be enjoyed after a plate of sushi and veg.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2011 22:18

Only read OP. Unless the child is seriously overweight or has a health condition, yes, particularly if she is active.

MarianneM · 25/05/2011 22:21

Terrible spelling and grammar there.

Meant to say:

Snacks and sweets ARE a different story.

If she asks for MORE, she gets it.

Whatevertheweather · 25/05/2011 22:22

I'm sorry MarianneM that's rubbish - of course a child (or adult) of any age can become overweight if they regularly eat too large portions of normal food.

worraliberty · 25/05/2011 22:22

She's doing the right thing.

When my boys were little, I was forever asking my friends not to put so much food on their plates. Often they would be given adult sized portions at the age of 3 or 4 when eating at other people's houses...and then a dessert afterwards!

Kids can be naturally greedy and the more you're used to eating, the more you tend to eat as the stomach does stretch to allow the bigger portions eventually.

MarianneM · 25/05/2011 22:28

I think making such a point about it is creating a problem. There are more fussy/faddy eaters and overweight people than ever and I think this is because people have such attitudes to food as most people on this thread.

I still don't think 3yos will naturally eat so much normal food that they become overweight.

simpson · 25/05/2011 22:30

Marianne - what if your child was constantly asking for more??

My DD was at nursery today and had a cooked lunch there. She had a jacket spud with tuna, mayo & sweetcorn. She polished off all of it and asked her for more....they gave her the same again and she still wanted more Shock

MarianneM · 25/05/2011 22:34

simpson, I remember being 7 and being able to eat large quantities at mealtimes. I remember asking for a third helping of some dish of meat and potatoes or something and being reprimanded by a relative. I felt mortified and stopped eating much at mealtimes. Food became an issue for years. I was never fat before! Children run around and GROW.

jordannarikki · 25/05/2011 22:35

I really think it's her business, and not yours. As someone else said she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

But you talk about eating tea together once a week and her asking for ice cream to be taken off. My nearly 3 year old has ice cream very rarely - basically, when she sees her grandparents (once every 6 weeks maybe).

Have you all thought through whether what you're actually serving is healthy for all of the children? No way would I want my DD eating ice cream once a week. Maybe she's pissed off with you lot for encouraging that.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 25/05/2011 22:36

petit i only mentioned junk as you had mentioned ice cream and that he picks at his school food but scoffs the puddings.
You say that you coerce your son to eat because you know he needs it. I would disagree - if there's food on the table in front of him that he likes and he's not eating it then he doesn't need it. I would just calmly take the food away after a reasonable amount of time - fussy eaters tend to enjoy the attention refusing food gives. Offer a healthy snack if he's hungry before his next meal and at each mealtime give a reasonable amount of time to eat then remove the food. Your child will, after a while, eat a lot better if he knows that he won't get attention for refusing food.

As for your friends issue I think it's almost unanimous that most kids - particularly those on the heavier side - need their portions watching. It's also pretty unanimous that your friend should not be making an issue out of it in front of her dd. Whether you want to bring this up with her depends on how close you are and how you think it would be received.

wowwowwubbzywubbzywubbzywowwow · 25/05/2011 22:39

Yes Marrianne I'm sure obesity is caused by parents ensuring that their kids take in an appropriate number of calories for their age and lifestyle and not at all by parents who allow their kids to consistently overeat Hmm

worraliberty · 25/05/2011 22:40

If 3yr olds can't get fat, why are 1 in 3 children overweight by the time they start Reception (aged 4-5)? Confused

jordannarikki · 25/05/2011 22:40

I should qualify my post by saying that my DD goes on long periods of hunger strike where she refuses to eat anything! I still wouldn't give her ice cream once a week though.

simpson · 25/05/2011 22:41

But my DD would do this for every meal if she could Shock

TBH food is not a huge issue for her/me.

We regularly see a dietician for DD (she has severe food intolerances) and they have told me she is on the verge of being over weight.

But I think a lot of it is common sense ie not giving sweets/crap etc too often and obviously if she has been charging around like a lunatic in the garden/park etc then she will be hungrier so will want more Smile

simpson · 25/05/2011 22:42

exactly worral

TheSecondComing · 25/05/2011 22:48

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